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Intention

29 Sep

I never intended to be this girl… the girl who doesn’t stand up for herself; who allows herself to get used or walked all over.  Yet that is exactly who I have become.  At work, in love, in life… I stand by idly, allowing others to use me, wear me down, and trample all over me.  I get frustrated and angry, but nothing changes.

I refuse to let that happen anymore.

My intention for this week, this month, this year: To stand up for myself; to demand what I deserve.  My intention is to become a bold woman worthy of the love and respect she desires.

Enough

27 Sep

Fat. Boring. Ugly. Whore. Never Enough.

These words, they plague my mind.  I call myself these names over and over.

Self Confidence… I lack it.  But I would never let you think that.  To your face, I will act like the most confident, self-loving person.  But inside, I hate on myself constantly.

The thing is, I know that I am fabulous.  Deep down somewhere, I know it is true.  Or maybe I just know that if I keep telling myself that, it will become true.

Maybe one day I will no longer be fat and ugly and boring.  Maybe one day I will be enough.

I just have to keep reminding myself, I am enough.  I am beautiful.  I am fabulous.

Time

22 Sep

It seems that these days I am completely exhausted.  Mentally, emotionally, physically… I am drained.

I go to work, and just like any other job, mine has its highs and lows.  When I am working with a customer, laughing with her and making her feel beautiful, I am on top of the world.  I live for moments like these.  When a customer tells me she has never felt so beautiful… that is what I live for.  But the times when I have to worry about pre-sells and dollars and meeting a quota… those moments break me down.  I don’t deal well with the pressure of needing to make numbers.  I deal well with the pressure of needing to make a woman feel good.

Some days I leave work on top of the world.  Customers like Carol and Judy let me know that what I am doing matters, and I am grateful beyond belief for them.  But some days I leave work feeling defeated.  I am trying my hardest, but I don’t always succeed, and that is hard.

My nights out with the girls… I love those moments.  I live for those.  Sitting at the White Horse, my MacLaren’s, with Jackie and Katie… that brings me happiness and excitement.  It gives me energy.  In those moments, I know who my friends are and I know that all is right in the world.

My nights in, laying in bed, usually alone, are needed.  The rest and relaxation is something that I never used to savor.  But sometimes a girl just needs to curl up in piles of fleece and comforters wearing nothing but fur covered mukluks, and just be.  JUST BE.

I need to worry less and just be.  I need to concentrate on feeling and not on formula.  If spending two hours doing my hair and makeup just to go in to work for three and then retreat to bed makes me feel good, so be it.  If sleeping for eleven hours and ignoring all phone calls and texts feels good, then I will do it.

I need to learn to just be.

Absense

13 Sep

A few people have asked me where I have been…
Why did I disappear, all but permanently abandoning this blog.
I suppose life and love and my sanity level have no allowed for much.
I was writing elsewhere, but didn’t share it.
Last week I took that page down.
And now, I feel like a hole in my heart.
I miss writing.
Sure, I still write.
But I miss writing here.
The absence is painful, much like the absence of size 11 Missoni For Target ballet flats in my closet.
(Speaking of which, Missoni For Target’s launch CRASHED Target.com – That is amazing!)
And don’t even mention the Michael Kors Skorpios Large Shoulder Bag in Cinnamon that I will never own.
At $895, I will be feeling the pain of the absence of that handbag for a lifetime.
But I digress.
I am back.
Back to writing.
Back to living.
Back to being the snarky little spitfire you all know and love.
And hopefully my absence did make your heart grow fonder.

A billion boxes later…

29 May

It is that time of year again… moving time.  I am leaving my big house and moving into a much smaller apartment.  And as I was franticly packing, hauling my belongings to the garage, and getting ready to move yesterday, I looked around.  Here I was, sitting amongst 30 or 40 boxes and bags upon bags upon bags of stuff… and I realized that is all it is… stuff.

I have so much stuff.

If you were to ask me, I would not be able to tell you what exactly is in all those boxes or why I have it all.  All I know is I have tons of things.  (Actually, I know why I have so many things, but I will get to that later.)  I have bottles upon bottles of hair and face and body products.  I have 50 or so pairs of shoes.  I have 36 pairs of sunglasses.  I have way too many clothes.  I have candles and pictures and stuff and stuff and stuff.

It made me sad seeing this. I have so much stuff, but I have little substance in my life.  I have six large boxes of holiday decorations, but yet I rarely have anybody to spend the holidays with.  I have quite a few dresses, but rarely do I have anybody to get dressed up for and go out with.  I have all of these things but nobody to share it with.  And that, I believe, is why I continue to buy stuff.  I am alone, and when I get something new, for a moment at least I feel a bit less lonely.  But then the newness wears off and I start to feel lonely again, and I buy something else.

It made me sad to see all of my belongings boxed up and tossed in the garage, realizing that I have so much junk in my life and not much that means anything.  And I think this is my year to fix that.  As I move in and unpack, I must de-cluttler.  I will rid my life of the meaningless and unnecessary things, get rid of the things that have negative memories attached, and move on.

Iit was already decided that I am making this the year of Mr. Big… either moving on with the possible Mr. Big that is in my life currently or figuring out what type of person I want my Mr. Big to be.  And maybe by getting rid of all the excess in my life right now, I will make room for that.

Here’s to hoping.

Embrace What’s Broken

16 Mar

“I suppose we were all searching for someone to teach us the moves we needed to win at life, the knightly code of conduct, the ways of the alpha-male.  That’s why we found each other.  But a sequence of maneuvers and a system of behavior would never fix what was broken inside.  Nothing would fix what was broken inside.  All we could do was embrace the damage.”
-Neil Strauss, The Game

At 22, I have gone on more first dates than I would like to admit.  And even less dazzling than that is the number of those that have translated into second dates  (think # of first dates divided by 2 minus fifteen percent-ish).  I have know all the right words and moves needed to get asked on a date.  When it came to the date, though, I would freeze.  No longer would I show off my shiny confidence.  I would freeze.  I would get nervous.  I would always become less fake and more me, and I’d get scared.  I’d get scared that some of my cracks would show… that they would see how broken I was.  Either that or I would try and be overly confident… keep up the facade, the game.  And sometimes it would work.  But not for long.

Because you can’t fix something that is broken.  You can bandage it up, box it up, dress it up however you like.  But it will always be scarred, flawed.  It will always be broken.

I have learned as Neil says, to embrace the damage.  I have learned from it.  I have accepted it.  This is me.  This is who I am.  Like me or leave me.  Either way, I will still be okay.  I do not need fancy words and fake acts to be liked.  I do not to lessen my standards or let go of my beliefs or dreams to be liked.  I just need to be me.  I just need to be the flawed girl who is making the most out of what she has.  That is what is important.

These days, I go on few first dates.  But when I do go on one, it either turns into a second date or a friendship.  I am no longer plagued with men who, in the beginning, perceived me to have no standards and thought they would score right away.  I am no longer left wondering why he didn’t call.  I am no longer trying to make excuses to my roommates about why a guy I went on a date with isn’t stopping by again.

I have learned to embrace the damage, and in doing so, I have found myself.  And I like myself.  And hopefully someday,  somewhere down the line, I will find a man who has realized that he, too is damaged.  And with luck, he, too, will have learned to embrace the broken pieces.  And when that day comes, I have faith, we will learn to grow together.

Impossible Love

22 Feb

It’s funny how loving somebody is something that you have no control over.  I realized today that I do love somebody, and that it is an impossible love.  He does not love me, and I know this.  I have come to terms with this.  But yet here I am, loving him.

How do I know that I love him?  Because after all this time, I still can’t get him out of my head.  After all the crap, I still get the nearly daily urge to call him and see how he is doing.  I still want to fix his struggles; to save him.  Because that is what you do when you love somebody… you want to save them.  You want to fix their problems and make them all better.

He chose to let his depression take the place of me.  He chose the bottle over me.  And I had to let him go, knowing that it would never work… that I would never get the attention and love and respect I needed.  It is still, to this day, one of the hardest things that I have ever done.

I want to save him, because thats what love makes you feel compelled to do.  But it is an impossible task, and at this moment, it is time that I walk away from all of it.  Maybe I will be a little more successful at that.