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Intention

29 Sep

I never intended to be this girl… the girl who doesn’t stand up for herself; who allows herself to get used or walked all over.  Yet that is exactly who I have become.  At work, in love, in life… I stand by idly, allowing others to use me, wear me down, and trample all over me.  I get frustrated and angry, but nothing changes.

I refuse to let that happen anymore.

My intention for this week, this month, this year: To stand up for myself; to demand what I deserve.  My intention is to become a bold woman worthy of the love and respect she desires.

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Enough

27 Sep

Fat. Boring. Ugly. Whore. Never Enough.

These words, they plague my mind.  I call myself these names over and over.

Self Confidence… I lack it.  But I would never let you think that.  To your face, I will act like the most confident, self-loving person.  But inside, I hate on myself constantly.

The thing is, I know that I am fabulous.  Deep down somewhere, I know it is true.  Or maybe I just know that if I keep telling myself that, it will become true.

Maybe one day I will no longer be fat and ugly and boring.  Maybe one day I will be enough.

I just have to keep reminding myself, I am enough.  I am beautiful.  I am fabulous.

Time

22 Sep

It seems that these days I am completely exhausted.  Mentally, emotionally, physically… I am drained.

I go to work, and just like any other job, mine has its highs and lows.  When I am working with a customer, laughing with her and making her feel beautiful, I am on top of the world.  I live for moments like these.  When a customer tells me she has never felt so beautiful… that is what I live for.  But the times when I have to worry about pre-sells and dollars and meeting a quota… those moments break me down.  I don’t deal well with the pressure of needing to make numbers.  I deal well with the pressure of needing to make a woman feel good.

Some days I leave work on top of the world.  Customers like Carol and Judy let me know that what I am doing matters, and I am grateful beyond belief for them.  But some days I leave work feeling defeated.  I am trying my hardest, but I don’t always succeed, and that is hard.

My nights out with the girls… I love those moments.  I live for those.  Sitting at the White Horse, my MacLaren’s, with Jackie and Katie… that brings me happiness and excitement.  It gives me energy.  In those moments, I know who my friends are and I know that all is right in the world.

My nights in, laying in bed, usually alone, are needed.  The rest and relaxation is something that I never used to savor.  But sometimes a girl just needs to curl up in piles of fleece and comforters wearing nothing but fur covered mukluks, and just be.  JUST BE.

I need to worry less and just be.  I need to concentrate on feeling and not on formula.  If spending two hours doing my hair and makeup just to go in to work for three and then retreat to bed makes me feel good, so be it.  If sleeping for eleven hours and ignoring all phone calls and texts feels good, then I will do it.

I need to learn to just be.