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Why I hate holidays.

3 Jul

I hate holidays.  Yes, I said it.  I hate holidays.

Holidays used to be something that I loved and celebrated.  I relished in the time spent with family.  Independence Day always meant going to parades, street dances, concerts and fireworks in Brainerd.  Sometimes I would run off with friends, dance with boys, and cause a little trouble.  But I almost always had a blast.

These days, though, I do nothing but dread holidays.  Easter for the past two years have been spent with friends here that have nowhere to go because, well, my family’s drama has kept me from being invited to my parent’s place for dinner.  I spent the Fourth of July last year at Janelle’s because my family went up to their cabin and I didn’t get to go.  Thanksgiving last year was ruined by my mother’s affair (and my anger about her treating the family like shit) and my not being allowed to even step foot in their house because it would be uncomfortable for her to be around me.  Christmas was spent in airports coming home from finally spending some time with my father in San Diego because my mother and her bullshit had ruined my family and my desire to spend time with them.  I didn’t spend mother’s day or father’s day with my family because, well, I still hate my mother and my step-father won’t have anything to do with me because of that.  My birthday this year… I didn’t as much as get a facebook message from any of my family.

And here I am, the weekend of the fourth.  I have 3 days off work because we are closed, and I am sitting at home.  All of my friends have plans with their families, and mine has rejected me.  It is 5pm on Saturday and I have only gotten out of bed long enough to get a bowl of salad out of the fridge and go to the bathroom.  What is the point of doing anything else?

I don’t want to leave the house and even go for a walk because I will see all these families having fun together and just be reminded of what I am missing.  Yes, I am depressed.  Yes, this adds to it.  But whatever.

And to think, if this is how crappy it is for the fourth of july, I wonder how depressing and shitty Thanksgiving and Christmas will be this year.

Family

21 May

It is funny how we define family.

Most people would define family as their parents and siblings, those they are biologically and legally related to.  I, however, would not define family that way.  I’d say that my immediate family would be the following people:

I have more contact with these people than I do with those I am actually related to.  I see these people more than those I am related to.  And when I need a shoulder to cry on, somebody to talk to, encouragement, or a helping hand, these people are there to help out long before my “family” even notices.  It is a sad but true fact.  I can count on my friends more than I can count on my “family”.  I know more about what is going on in these people’s lives than I do about the happenings of my family.

This all makes me sad and yet happy at the same time.  I am happy that I have such amazing friends, but I am sad that my family is so absent.  Such is life, though, I suppose.

Their loss.  *attempting to convince myself this is true*

The Sweetest Girl

5 Mar

I love my sister.  I am pretty positive that she is the best thing to ever happen to me.  So I thought it was time to recognize another person who has changed my life… my biggest reason for doing my best in life.  That person is my lil’ sis, Hanna.