30 Days of Truth – Day 3

10 Dec

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

There are so many things that I probably need to forgive myself for… but one in particular comes to mind,

I was talking with my dear friend Laurie the other day about how I sabotage any chance at relationships with men because I do not know how to have one.  Sure, I can flirt with men.  Sure, I can sleep with them.  Sure, I can keep them company and keep them entertained for awhile.  But I do not know the first thing about having a proper relationship.  I have had a lot of crappy ones… physically abusive, emotionally abusive, convenient and nothing more…  But never have I had a committed relationship where I am called a girlfriend and treated like one.  Rarely have I had a relationship where I was not just some pawn in a game used for sex and little more.  I do not know what those things are like.

So when it comes to men, here is what I do:

  • I choose unavailable men.  They have their own thing going on, they are too busy, they are emotionally unavailable, they are thousands of miles away… they are unavailable.  They will never be mine.  So I choose them, because then I can avoid the whole relationship thing and just have my cake and eat it too… for a few seconds, at lease.
  • I find a great man who is available, and from the get-go make it physical.  If I make it purely physical, it makes it near-impossible to move it to relationship phase.  Sure, I am not respecting my worth, but I am also not stuck trying to figure out a relationship.
  • I choose a great guy.  Or a decent one.  Or somebody I can barely settle for at best.  I let him fall for me.  And maybe I fall for him too.  And then I ruin it.  I sabotage it.  I cause fights or get needy until I push him away.

Why do I do this?  Because I am scared.  I do not know how to have a successful relationship, and I am scared to try.  And I don’t ever want to admit that I didn’t do something right, or that I am not enough for somebody.  It is much easier if I prevent it from getting that far in the first place.

But there is the problem:  I prevent myself from ever having a chance.  I sell myself short.  I do not respect myself and my worth.  I ruin it for myself.

So what do I need to forgive myself for?  I need to forgive myself for my past.  I need forgive myself for allowing this to go on.  And I need to move on.  I need to allow myself at least the chance to try.



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