Archive | December, 2010

Believe

28 Dec

via weheartit.com

You gotta believe, oh
Don’t fear
Don’t break it
You gotta be free
I hope your blinded eyes will see
You gotta believe, yeah
Don’t fear
Don’t break
You gotta be free
You gotta believe
Don’t, don’t let them hold you down
Come, come on, sing it
Oh, I hope my eyes can see
You gotta believe
-The Rocket Summer – You Gotta Believe-

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28 Dec

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

I had a discussion on twitter this evening with a couple of wonderful people (one man and one woman) about singleness, relationships, and what is most important in them.  We talked a lot about respect and self love, validation, and feeling worthwhile.  And it made me think of the above lyrics by singer/songwriter Bethany Dillon.

Somewhere awhile back I lost my sense of self.  I was convinced by men who didn’t deserve an ounce of my time that I am not good enough, that I am worthless, that I am not beautiful or special.  I was convinced that I had little to offer.  Somewhere back there, I lost myself.

A man can be breathtaking and beyond amazing, but it means nothing if he does not respect me and make me feel beautiful inside and out.  And I can have the greatest relationship, the great love of my life, but it means nothing if I do not love myself and find myself beautiful.

Thankfully I am single right now.  I have time to work on me.  Because I want to make you stand in awe and be amazed at what is inside of my heart.  But how can I expect you to be amazed and find me beautiful if I don’t love myself first?

Taking The Plunge

27 Dec

I may love MN, and I may be MN Nice, but I am not a fan of the cold and certainly am not a fan of the water. In fact, I am absolutely terrified of water.

But one of my goals for 2011 is to conquer that fear, and what better way to do so than by taking the plunge?! I get to have fun, face my fears, and raise money for a great cause! Does it get any better?

What is the plunge, you are asking?

The Polar Bear Plunge is a unique opportunity for individuals, organizations and businesses to support Special Olympics athletes by jumping into frigid Minnesota waters.  This is the 14th year of the Polar Bear Plunge in Minnesota.  The first Plunge took place in Minnesota at Como Lake in 1998 and had 65 participants who raised $20,000.  In 2005, 1000 plungers raised $275,000 at 5 Plunge locations.  By 2008, Minnesota had 11 plunges, 3,500 participants, and raised $725,000.  Just two years after that, in 2010, the Polar Bear Plunge took place in 13 different locations, included over 7000 participants, and raised $1.4 million!  This year, there are 14 locations, and hopefully a record-breaking number of participants and dollars raised!!!

Here is where you come in:

I have set a personal fundraising goal of $400, and I would really like to shatter that.  But I can’t do it alone.  So I am asking for your generosity.  Please sponsor me. The donations go to Special Olympics.  Maybe you can afford $5; maybe you can do $50.  Hell, maybe $100 is in your budget.  Whatever you can afford is beyond appreciated.

In 2011, I am conquering fear (and freezing my butt off!!) for a cause.  Will you help?

So please consider pledging support.  Wanna take the plunge as well?  Join our team, I Am MN Nice.  And definitely come out to watch on Feb. 19th!

Goodbye 2010. 2011, Be prepared…

26 Dec

To have your ass whooped!

2010 was a bitch.  Not gonna lie.  Sure, where were some ups.  But there were many more monumental downs.

I hurt and got hurt.  I had monumental heartaches and heartbreaks.  I remembered the loss of my brother.  I suffered from severe depression that nearly ruined my life.  I remembered the past, and begged for the ability to move on.  My dating life was a mess due to unavailable men.  And lets not even get started on family.

2010 sucked.

But the nice thing is, 2010 is almost over.  It is almost time to start fresh.

So 2011, I am ready for you.  BRING IT ON!

20SB Blog Swap: Hope Roth

20 Dec

Today you are lucky enough to be graced with a guest post by the lovely Hope Roth!  We both decided to participate in the 20SB Blog Swap, and both (unbeknown to the other) wrote about fear.  Enjoy, and definitely go check out my post on her blog!

*******

It’s funny that Bria wrote about fear today, because that’s something that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately.

I come by my anxiety naturally. There are several members of my family that, if you figured out a way to harness their nervous energy, could power a small city. I was born to be slightly twitchy. And twitchy I’ve been! From the year before college until just a few years ago, I had panic attacks on a semi-regular basis. Even now, I’m a little scared to say, “Wow, I can’t remember my last panic attack!” It just seems like an invitation for a freakout.

Don’t get cocky or the Universe will make you pay for your hubris.

Paranoia aside, it really has been a revelation to reach a point where I don’t get panic attacks at the thought that I might get a panic attack. Things that no longer terrify me:

  • Taking Nyquil
  • Going to the Dentist
  • Elevators in extremely tall buildings
  • Getting a head cold
  • Driving (see, it can happen!)

I’m not entirely out of the woods (I’d still rather take the bus than drive to NYC), but it’s an excellent start.

How did this happen? Well, part of it is that I learned my triggers and I worked hard to avoid them. Then I learned how to work through my triggers. Now, I can take Nyquil when I’m too sick to sleep and I can get behind the wheel of a car without breaking out in a cold sweat (not at the same time, though, that’s just madness). A good chunk of it was learning to eat better, getting regular sleep, and making sure I stay physically active. I can’t really have caffeine because first it makes me jittery and then it makes me over-tired. I can’t eat sugar on an empty stomach, because it makes me light-headed and jittery (as does too much sugar in general). I can’t let myself get too hungry.

Oh and breathing. Breathing is kindof important. Bonus points if it’s slow and steady and not fast and into a paper bag.

I guess what I’m saying, Bria, is that it does get better. At 23, I was just where you are. And now, 6 years later, I feel like I’m in control of my anxiety, instead of the other way around. I don’t think I’ll ever be totally free of the nervous crazies, but I think that I can keep my power output to a single lightbulb instead of an entire small city.

I’ve been struggling with the idea of turning 30. I guess you could say it makes me anxious (understatement!). It’s time to admit that I’m a real grownup, instead of someone just pretending to be one. My fiancé and I own a house, we adopted a dog and we’re getting married soon. But it wasn’t until I faced down the last year of my twenties that I really said to myself, “this getting older business is for real.” So, I upgraded my night cream and I tried not to think about it.

But, when it comes down to it, getting older doesn’t have to be so bad. Sure, I can’t drink like I did in my early twenties, but who needs the empty calories? And who needs to find themself, at the end of a rough night, clutching their sides and crying out their fear? People often say that they’d give anything to have their youth back. I’ll take the upcoming crows’ feet if it means I can have my sanity back.


My Holiday Generosity

17 Dec

via weheartit.com

As I have stated before, I am not much of a fan of the holidays this year.  Due to family drama that has occurred over the past couple of years, I strongly dislike this time of year.  But more than that, the one thing I dislike most is when the holidays bring out the greed and selfishness in people.  Too often people forget that while many of us are making our lists of what we MUST HAVE, there are many struggling to give their families a single gift.  (Did you know that if you google “must have gifts 2010” there are approx. 361,000,000 results?!  That is ridiculous.)

Occasionally, though, the nice shines through.  Take The Bloggess, for example.  She is a great blogger with an amazing following.  Usually her blogs are full of nothing but funny shit and way too much snark for me to handle.  But when I came across one of her recent blog posts, I started crying at her generosity.

If you’re struggling for money right now and don’t know how you’ll give your kids presents then leave me a comment.  You don’t have to use your real name or leave a url or prove anything.  Just leave me a comment and your email address (always hidden and never used) and I’ll email a $30 Amazon gift card to the first twenty people who leave a comment explaining why it would make a difference in their lives right now.

The response has been so amazing that not only has she given out the twenty gift cards, but she has matched up other readers to fulfill those requests that she was not able to.  As soon as I read this, I knew I had to do something too.  I may not have a ton, but I have more than I need.  So I made an offer to either send somebody an amazon gift card or paypal them $30, or use my resources at work and send some children’s clothes to a parent in need.  It isn’t much, but it is something.

So here I am, extending the request to you as well.  Please help out.  Whether it is in the same way I am, giving to Toys For Tots (PLEASE DO!), or pulling names off of a tree in a local store, please give something.

And if you know somebody in need that I can help, let me know.  I may not have much, but I have more than I need.

30 Days of Truth – Day 3

10 Dec

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

There are so many things that I probably need to forgive myself for… but one in particular comes to mind,

I was talking with my dear friend Laurie the other day about how I sabotage any chance at relationships with men because I do not know how to have one.  Sure, I can flirt with men.  Sure, I can sleep with them.  Sure, I can keep them company and keep them entertained for awhile.  But I do not know the first thing about having a proper relationship.  I have had a lot of crappy ones… physically abusive, emotionally abusive, convenient and nothing more…  But never have I had a committed relationship where I am called a girlfriend and treated like one.  Rarely have I had a relationship where I was not just some pawn in a game used for sex and little more.  I do not know what those things are like.

So when it comes to men, here is what I do:

  • I choose unavailable men.  They have their own thing going on, they are too busy, they are emotionally unavailable, they are thousands of miles away… they are unavailable.  They will never be mine.  So I choose them, because then I can avoid the whole relationship thing and just have my cake and eat it too… for a few seconds, at lease.
  • I find a great man who is available, and from the get-go make it physical.  If I make it purely physical, it makes it near-impossible to move it to relationship phase.  Sure, I am not respecting my worth, but I am also not stuck trying to figure out a relationship.
  • I choose a great guy.  Or a decent one.  Or somebody I can barely settle for at best.  I let him fall for me.  And maybe I fall for him too.  And then I ruin it.  I sabotage it.  I cause fights or get needy until I push him away.

Why do I do this?  Because I am scared.  I do not know how to have a successful relationship, and I am scared to try.  And I don’t ever want to admit that I didn’t do something right, or that I am not enough for somebody.  It is much easier if I prevent it from getting that far in the first place.

But there is the problem:  I prevent myself from ever having a chance.  I sell myself short.  I do not respect myself and my worth.  I ruin it for myself.

So what do I need to forgive myself for?  I need to forgive myself for my past.  I need forgive myself for allowing this to go on.  And I need to move on.  I need to allow myself at least the chance to try.