Simply Existing

10 Oct

Do you ever feel as if you are simply moving through the motions?  Where you are not quite happy and not quite sad… just… there?  That is how I feel right now.

Right now I am caught simply existing.  I just feel like a zombie some days.  Life is going well, but I feel alone.  Yet as alone as I feel, I think that I create this loneliness for myself.  I seem to keep my friendships and relationships at a distance as not to get hurt or disappointed.  But really, I just want somebody here.  I want to feel close to somebody.

I keep people at a distance so I won’t get disappointed if they become quite distant or leave.  But then my keeping them at a distance pushes them further away.  I can’t win.

I want somebody to come is and break down my walls.  I want them to bust through and be there for me, even when I try to keep them at arms length.

I want to not feel alone.

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2 Responses to “Simply Existing”

  1. tifakaylakat October 10, 2010 at 11:45 am #

    Darling,
    I always read your blog, but I normally don’t comment. But fact of the matter is, I can’t stand you feeling this and me not doing anything to help. YOu are great and superb, but most of all you are normal. I know exactly how you feel. Pushing people away when all you want is a hand to hoold is what most people do. I think it’s an evolution thing, we want to weed out the people who don’t care. But you have to be oh so very careful when you do that, and you need to stop it when you realize you’re doing it. I know it’s next to impossible. But if you want anything to change, it’s what you’ve got to do.

    “I am not alone. You are me and I am you, and they are we and we are all together in this miricle of life”
    -Colleen Sell

    You are strong. YOu are important. We do care about you. I hope you realize how much you’re worth to us.

    With love,
    Kayla

  2. Naomi Orre October 10, 2010 at 5:21 pm #

    I feel like this a lot, Bria. We shouldn’t feel this way either! It’s hard for me to verbalize sometimes, but what I can say is that it could be 100 times worse than what you are feeling right now. Always remind yourself the good things about you, and do what makes you happy, vibrant.. rather than just “existing”. If you feel the happiest when shopping, then do it. Or if you want to sit by the river and hear the water crash on the rocks, then do it! Certain stuff like that can engerize our bodies again. I came across this quote on a page earlier…

    “Being lonely … being alone … for many people … sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn’t honor the person you are is worse.”

    I think it speaks for just about anybody or everybody we know in our lives. Solo, single, taken, one friend, twenty friends… just make yourself happy no matter what. We all have one life so make the best of it. As we know, life passes by way too quickly.

    Love & hugs & kisses,

    Naomi Marie

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