Archive | October, 2010

Vent, Baby, Vent!

25 Oct
  • Do not complain to me or around me about being poor if you refuse to work or barely work at all.
  • Do not complain to me about your hours being slashed when you don’t take advantage of the extra hours when they are available (knowing full well the whole time that your hours will be slashed).
  • Do not complain to me that you can’t find a job if you won’t take advantage of any of the ones that come your way.
  • Do not complain to me about me not having enough time to spend with you or not doing enough to make your life easier or you happier when I am simply working.  Sorry that my working my ass off is a problem for you.
  • If I am getting home from work after a 12 or 14 hour day, do not bug me.  That means “do not speak unless spoken to, and if i speak to you, don’t blow me off.”  Because if you do, well, it will not be pretty.
  • Do not think for a second that since I work more than you do (or since I work at all and you don’t, in some cases) that you can mooch off of me.  I earn my money, not you.  You have no right to ask for it, expect it, or expect that you can take advantage of it in any way.
  • And finally, I work hard for my money, so if I want to go and blow it all on shoes or jewelry or a vacation, I can.  Do not judge me for it.

Hi, My name is Bria and I always get what I want.

24 Oct

Except not.

At least not right now.

And I hate it.

And the thing is, I knew from the beginning that this would be the case.  I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to have it all.  But I wanted to try anyway.  I figured that I would rather deal with disappointment of only getting half of what I wanted than the frustration of not getting any of it.

But damn it…  I want it all.

What the hell was I thinking?!?!

Fingers Crossed

21 Oct

Just as I get into a frenzy, things start to look up.

Tomorrow afternoon I have an interview.  It is for a sales position in cosmetics at a department store here in town.

Do you realize that I LOVE sales and customer service?!  And do you realize that I LOVE cosmetics even more?!

Wish me luck!

Wake me up when December ends.

18 Oct

It is approaching that time of year again… the holidays.

This used to be my favorite time of year.  About now I would normally be chin-deep in decoration planning.  Where should I string the lights?  Where will the tree go?  What theme should we use for the outdoor lights?  Should we use gold or silver on the tree, or maybe both?  Is the tree going to be big enough?  I would also normally be knee-deep in planning what gifts I am going to get for who and how I am going to afford it.

Giving has always been my favorite part of the holidays.  I could never pass a Salvation Army bell ringer without dropping whatever change I had into their red kettle.  I always find a wish or two on giving trees to fulfill.  I make sure drop a toy or three into toys for tots bins.  And then there is family and friends.

To me, gift giving is not just a quick, easy grab-a-giftcard-and-go. I have to find the perfect gift, and am never happy until I do.  I think this stemmed from when I was a child.  I always loved giving gifts.  I loved shopping for them, making them, trying to make somebody smile.  But I never really felt it was appreciated as much.

It all started when my little brother got my mother her first box of Zachary chocolates.  She loved it.  She prized this simple box of assorted candies.  And the smile on her face that Christmas was brightest when she opened that box.  I don’t remember what I got her that year… I just remember feeling disappointed when I saw her open my gift with barely a grin on her face.  Each year my brother got her the same box of chocolates.  Each year it seemed to be her favorite gift from us kids.  And each year I felt disappointed that my gift, no matter how hard I searched for it or worked to make it the best gift ever, didn’t match up to that dumb box of chocolates.

And then there was my stepfather.  Each year I would ask him what he wanted for Christmas.  And each year he would tell me not to get him anything.  He would tell me that he didn’t want anything.  I’d get so disappointed.  Didn’t he understand that I just cared and wanted to make him smile?  Didn’t he understand that giving gifts was important to me?

As much as it hurt, it pushed me to try harder to find better gifts.  Each year was a quest to find something perfect for each person on my list.

But this year is different.  Not only is there all of the family drama that is keeping me from going home for the holidays, but there is my own current state of affairs.

Unless a miracle happens, there will likely be no gift giving for me this year.  In my line of work, November and December are quite slow years.  And this year more than ever before that is the case.  My full-time job will likely see a drop in weekly hours from 40-50 to around 10-15.  I have been applying for every job I can find, from full-time work to seasonal employment.  And so far, nothing.  So unless something comes up and comes up quick, I will likely have to turn to unemployment simply to try and cover rent, utilities, and groceries.  There will be no room to buy gifts.

You have no idea how much this hurts.  I was so excited about my list of nonprofits I was going to add to buy giving list this year.  I was excited to add Children’s Hospital and Clinics to the top of my list.  I was excited to support the Human Rights Campaign, Charity:Water, and Invisible Children.  Now, due to my financial circumstances, I have been forced to cross every one of these off of my list for the year.

My heart hurts this year.  I am dreading these next couple months.  It is as if my biggest source of joy-giving-has been robbed from me.

So I am wondering, is it possible to skip past the holidays and just start fresh with January?

You cannot break me.

17 Oct

Go ahead.

Judge me all you wish.

Disapprove of my life.

Be disappointed in me.

I do not care.

As long as I am happy with life I live and the decisions I make, how you feel does not matter.

So go ahead.

Cast your stones.

Try and smother me with your opinions.

I do not care.

YOU CANNOT BREAK ME.

My Best Friend’s Wedding

11 Oct

My best friend got married this past Friday, and I could not be more excited for her.

So, being the typical girl I am, I have to spam you with beautiful pictures from the wedding.

 

Simply Existing

10 Oct

Do you ever feel as if you are simply moving through the motions?  Where you are not quite happy and not quite sad… just… there?  That is how I feel right now.

Right now I am caught simply existing.  I just feel like a zombie some days.  Life is going well, but I feel alone.  Yet as alone as I feel, I think that I create this loneliness for myself.  I seem to keep my friendships and relationships at a distance as not to get hurt or disappointed.  But really, I just want somebody here.  I want to feel close to somebody.

I keep people at a distance so I won’t get disappointed if they become quite distant or leave.  But then my keeping them at a distance pushes them further away.  I can’t win.

I want somebody to come is and break down my walls.  I want them to bust through and be there for me, even when I try to keep them at arms length.

I want to not feel alone.