Can I be revived?

17 Aug

I am trying to be strong.  I really am.  But it sure isn’t easy.

Struggling with depression like this is the most horrible thing I think I have ever experienced.  I would not wish it one anyone.  It is the most deep and devastating pain I have ever known, and I can assure you – I have known plenty of pain.  Physical pain pales in comparison to this pain in my heart, mind, and soul.  I want, need, beg for better, but there is no simple procedure to fix it.  I can’t go to the drugstore and buy some $3 bottle of pills that will make everything all better.  I can’t sleep it off.  It is not that simple.

I feel so completely, utterly hopeless.  There is something eating away at the core of who I am, and I fear that there is next to nothing left.  I feel as if who I am has been robbed from me.  It is as if my soul, my happiness, my heart have been tied up and burned at the stake.

I know that I will never be the same again.  And I doubt that I will ever be whole again.  But was I ever really whole to begin with?

I am a walking corpse.  There is nothing left of me… I am just an empty shell moving through the hours.

Can I be revived?

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11 Responses to “Can I be revived?”

  1. Wendy August 17, 2010 at 6:29 pm #

    That’s the hardest part of all this, the fact that it basically kills the person you once were. I am a completely different person now, it stole away my identity, my confidence, my personality, my everything.

    Hang in there, it’s cheesy and lame but tomorrow is a new day, and I have to hope that it will be a good one. I hope you have a good one too, and if not, then hopefully the day after.

    This really sucks, I know it does, and most people won’t ever understand what it’s like. I hope things start looking up for you, I’m pulling for ya.

  2. Cammy@ClassroomConfessions August 17, 2010 at 8:22 pm #

    I agree with Wendy. Take it one day at a time, or even one moment at a time.

    I am a new reader so I have to ask, are you seeing a therapist? I only ask because it really helped me, my mom, and my aunt beat depression. My aunt also used medication, my mom and I did not.

    Email me if you need to talk anytime.

    • devilishdelish August 17, 2010 at 8:46 pm #

      Hey Cammy, thanks for the comment. I do have a therapist, but haven’t been able to see her lately because I owe them too much money and have to pay it before I can go back. :/

      • Cammy@ClassroomConfessions August 21, 2010 at 10:03 pm #

        Oh wow =( I am so sorry honey. Maybe you can seek out free help in your area? I know that there are clinics out there that offer help to those who cannot afford it.

  3. Mom August 17, 2010 at 8:28 pm #

    It is brain chemistry that needs adjustment. I suggest that you talk to your doc about taking effexor and klonopin. I have tried many many medications over the years and these two are the only ones that have worked for me without bad side effects. Another thing is that I started out on baby doses and still don’t even require the same dose as most people as I am a “slow burner”. I metabolize them much slower than the norm. I suspect this might be true for you as well as we seem to share the same genetics. I’ve never given up on you. Don’t give up on yourself. There is an answer. I love you still.

    • devilishdelish August 17, 2010 at 11:11 pm #

      i cant afford effexor or klonopin. not available in generic. next step will either be higher dose of celexa with a diff nightime pill like doxepin. or prozac, possibly paxil as well.

  4. Livi August 18, 2010 at 7:08 am #

    It can get better *hugs* keep hanging in there, there are times of remission that recharge you.
    Try speaking to a doctor to see if there’s any other options that you can try.

  5. Jes August 18, 2010 at 8:42 am #

    I wish that there was something I could do to help, but I pray that things get better for you soon. Just remember that you are loved, even by complete strangers.

  6. Natasha August 18, 2010 at 12:29 pm #

    Praying for you, Bria. You’re strong, and you will come through this so much stronger. Love x

  7. tifakaylakat August 18, 2010 at 1:05 pm #

    I know how difficult it is. You are not alone in your pain, many people have been there, many have gotten better. I know you can. Believe in yourself.

    “But the storm, painful as it is, might have some truth to it. So sometimes, one simply has to endure a period of depression, for what it may hole of illumination if one can live through it, attentive to what it exposes or demands… Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover and remeber that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.”
    -May Sarton

    Best wishes,
    Kayla

  8. Mom August 19, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

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