This life is a struggle, and I am ready to give up.

8 Aug

This life is a struggle, and I am sick of the push-pull.

If you have been reading my blog for a more than a month or two, you know that I  struggle with severe clinical depression and anxiety. It got to the point a couple of months ago where it was bad enough that I checked myself into the hospital. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done, but I had to do it.  They put me on medication, and tried to help me figure out some things in my life.

For the first month or so after that, things started to look up.  The medication, being new to my body, took some adjustment, but made me feel so much better.  I was so focused on only that aspect of things that I didn’t really pay attention to any of the other stressors in my life.  I pushed everything that would get me frustrated out of my life, no matter how important dealing with it might be.  It was the only way I could think to make myself feel better.

But here I am now, August 8th.  I have been out of the hospital about 1.5 months.  And I am right back where I began.  Despite my meds, my depression is through the roof.  My level of anxiety is just as high as before, if not higher.  The only difference is that with my meds, it doesn’t manifest itself physically as much as it did before.  I still eat, sleep(too much, though… it is near impossible to get out of bed), and go to work.  I don’t have physical panic attacks.  But inside, in my heart and in my mind, my struggle is ten times worse than before.  All I want to do is cry, all the times.  I feel completely hopeless and helpless.  I am a wreck inside.  And this has been going on for a few weeks now.  My only break from it was when I was on vacation and had a wonderful person and a beautiful city to distract me.

When I put myself in the hospital, all of these things were manifesting themselves physically.  Now I just can’t get them out.  I want to cry but can’t.  I want to scream but can’t.  I want to get it out, but can’t.  And I don’t know which is worse, how I was before the meds or this.  Before the meds and before the hospital, I just wanted to die.  I was so sick of not being able to function normally that I just wanted to die.  But now… now I can function normally but everything is eating me away inside.  And that makes me want to die.

Honestly, I feel closer to suicide now than I did before the hospital and the meds.  I don’t think I could ever kill myself, but I wish I could.  I find myself saying in my head and even to friends things like “I just want to make it all end.”  Or when Tommie made a comment yesterday about how we could die freakishly anywhere, like being hit by a bus on our drive home from McDonald’s, I said something along the lines of  “Sounds great to me… at least this would be over then.”  I constantly find myself saying and thinking these things.

I know that where I am at is not healthy.  And maybe I should get my meds looked at.  I don’t know.  But the fact of the matter is that even if I do, it will not take away the things in my life that are causing me stress.  I work at a job I hate, am in too much debt, am not in school, and I feel completely unsuccessful.  And I want to fix these things, but it is all cyclical.  And going in to the doctor or seeing my therapist because I am in such an unhealthy state will simply add to the debt.  And it is frustrating.  I just don’t know what to do.

And I know that some people reading this might think that I am being whiny, or trying to get attention, or any litany of stupid things.  But the simple fact is, I am writing about it because it is the only way I can seem to get it out.  It is the only way I am still able to express how I feel inside.

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351 Responses to “This life is a struggle, and I am ready to give up.”

  1. Sam August 8, 2010 at 1:16 pm #

    As someone who has recovered from clinical depression, I strongly urge you to get your meds checked. It is absolutely true that different/new/more medication won’t make the individual stresses in your life go away, that’s not the point of medication. What it is supposed to do is help balance your brain chemicals out so that you feel better equipped to handle them without feeling overwhelmed. I went through several medications before I found the right one for me. The first one made me sleep 18 hours a day and feel suicidal, whereas before those meds I had trouble sleeping and was incredibly sad but hadn’t actually thought of harming myself. The second medication had the opposite effect: I was way too hyper, I would wake up early (like 3 AM) and start rearranging my living room. The third made me feel more “normal”. I eventually weaned off of them and continue to feel “normal”. Actually I’d say now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Get your meds checked, you deserve to be happy, too.

    • Leigh August 13, 2010 at 9:35 am #

      bria-

      journal in a notebook or on the web. write every passing emotion and feeling. take crayons to paper and be angry or vulnerable or sad. but, let it out. if you can’t scream or cry, then find another way. but you can’t bottle it up. you can’t contain it. you got to get rid of those feelings – honor them by writing them or drawing them, but then let ’em go as best you can. i’ve been there. i know so intimately what you’re struggling with.

      i’m sending you love and light.

  2. anonymous August 11, 2010 at 11:58 pm #

    😦 I’m so sorry. I hope things get better for you soon.

  3. @laurenlankford August 12, 2010 at 7:01 am #

    Bria,

    You are so dearly loved. My heart aches reading this blog post because I so wholly understand exactly where you are. This past fall/winter/spring I reached the worst part of a combination of depression, severe anxiety (complete with panic attacks), and post traumatic stress disorder. I will never forget it. I want to encourage you with everything I have to tell you that you can overcome it, and I have full faith that you will. I completely understand that you have no hope – or maybe you do…I did not. But I have hope enough for both of us now!! Hah 🙂 There IS healing and you CAN grow through this and come out alive…and be fully alive. Even in the worst hours, when all the voices in your head are telling you the worst things, cling to the fact that you are loved and cared for and that it is truth and it is reality even though your emotions and feelings do not align.

    I am wishing comfort, peace, and strength for you – and so, so much love. Don’t ever forget what a beautiful girl you are and how valuable your heart and body are to the world. You have done, can do, and will do so much good.

    All my love.

    – lauren xoxo

    • stevehaase August 12, 2010 at 10:47 am #

      Hang in there, Bria. There’s more people who love you than you can possibly know. And even though things might look really dark now, the sun always comes out. It always does, doesn’t it?

      Sending you lots of good vibes,
      Steve

  4. hannahkaty August 12, 2010 at 9:39 am #

    You are in my thoughts and prayers today love. Hold tight and hold strong. You are not alone, please don’t ever think that you are.

    You are strong and I know you are resilient. I am here for you.

    Best,

    Hannah Katy

  5. Kate August 12, 2010 at 9:43 am #

    As a future doctor, I definitely urge you to get your meds checked, or at least talk to someone. The meds are supposed to be helping, not making you feel worse. I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much! I understand about working at a job you hate and feeling like you have to because it’s the responsible thing to do and you have debts to pay. But I’ve recently been realizing that it is NOT worth it if you are giving up yourself in order to “be responsible”. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. I will pray for you and I truly hope you can figure the meds out. I agree with the earlier commenters – you are SO worthwhile and SO loved, and you deserve to be SO much happier than you are.

    Kate

  6. Dave Folkens August 12, 2010 at 9:59 am #

    Bria,
    I know how hard this is and can’t say enough about how many great people are really out there for you. Life can be totally crazy but keep at it and I do believe things will get better and get easier for you. Know that you have tons of people thinking of you and sending good thoughts, prayers, karma, and 🙂 your way.

    All my best-
    Dave

  7. trulytrayce August 12, 2010 at 10:00 am #

    Bria,

    Your post brought tears to my eyes. BUT hope to my heart. I hope you see that today and everyday people are listening and praying and hoping for you. You are struggling but have managed to reach out by writing this post. Even though you don’t know many of us we are here for you. I agree with the previous comments, GO get those meds checked and know that even in dark times there is always light.

    Much love, strength and blessings to you! Keep fighting for your happy!

    xo Trayce

  8. Megan August 12, 2010 at 10:01 am #

    Bria,

    I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. That’s such a hard thing to go through but I want you to know that you’re not alone. You are cared about and loved. You have an amazing, beautiful future ahead of you. I’m praying for comfort and peace for you.

    Blessings!
    ~Megan 🙂

  9. Meredith August 12, 2010 at 10:04 am #

    Bria,

    You are loved.

  10. Charlotte August 12, 2010 at 10:04 am #

    I agree with what others have said–please talk to a doctor about your medication. They can try a different one, or a different dosage, and that could make all the difference.

    I know what it’s like to feel unsuccessful–to hate what you’re doing but feel trapped. But what you do is only a tiny part of who you are, and you do deserve to be happy. Work with a doctor who can help you start to balance things out inside your head, and figuring out how to change the external stressors will become a lot easier and a lot less overwhelming.

    You have a lot of support from people who know you, and from those who don’t. Be nice to yourself, be open with your friends and family about what you’re going through, and remember that it won’t be like this forever.

    Take care of yourself. We’re all thinking about you.

  11. Ginelle Flores August 12, 2010 at 10:05 am #

    Bria,
    you are strong and you know it, don’t eeever give up always remember that you are not alone and you have lots of people looking after you.
    If you ever need me, for anything email me or something.
    You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it, keep moving forward
    lots of love,
    Ginelle

  12. Stephanie August 12, 2010 at 10:05 am #

    You are strong, tough, resilient and loved. To paraphrase Emerson, what lies behind you and before you are tiny matters compared to why lies within you. Don’t give up; you have the strength to get through this. You’ve proven this before, and you’ll prove it again…take the time to take care of yourself first, because YOU ARE IMPORTANT!

  13. becky August 12, 2010 at 10:09 am #

    So many have been where you are. Myself included. Get the meds checked. Accept rather than fight the fact that you feel sad For me, fighting only made it worse. Breathe and live this moment to the next as best you can.

  14. Ashley August 12, 2010 at 10:10 am #

    We do not know each other, but I want you to know that you are being prayed for and are loved by so many people. Beyond the darkness there is always light! You will get through this. Much Love

  15. lovebomber103 August 12, 2010 at 10:10 am #

    You can make it through this. You being you makes you beautiful, don’t ever forget that. I understand that the debts can be overwhelming, but you will find a way to get through that, something will come along. In the meantime, find something you adore to help balance the job you have – if writing is it, then start a book or chronical the things that have helped you in your depression as a way to help others – reflecting on that again may help get you through this latest relapse. Know that you are strong, and know that you are loved. I’m praying for you.

  16. Millie August 12, 2010 at 10:11 am #

    My heart aches as I read your words, dear Bria. I can no way pretend that I know what you are going through. Still some of the themes you wrote about are familiar to me, in my own tiny way. Please know that you are surrounded by love, even when it’s hard to see and feel. And with the help of professionals and your most cherished ones around you, you’ll find a way through your darkness. I know you can’t see this yet, but someday, hopefully soon, your story of healing will inspire and help others who know all too well the pain you describe. Until then, hold on. Today, and everyday, you are being showered with love and prayers. I truly hope you can feel it.

    So much love!

    Millie

  17. jessica August 12, 2010 at 10:12 am #

    Hang in there! Lean on everyone that has a willing heart. Talk to anyone with a willing ear. And, see your doctor. Things can only get better from here. You deserve the best…make sure you get it 🙂

  18. Han August 12, 2010 at 10:12 am #

    Dear Bria,

    I’m not a doctor or a shrink or anything like that but I witnessed a friend of mine go through depression, it’s a long story but I was first on the scene when he tried to take his own life. I know how hard it is to find the silver lining to your cloud when it feel like you can’t see the sky. My friend used to say it was like being in a hole – you can see a tiny bit of sky but you can’t find a way to get there.

    I know you may not feel like it but you are precious and cared for. As Sam and Kate both said – get your meds looked at, they are supposed to make you feel better not worse. Then start with other things, take it step by step and don’t worry about the next step until you get there.

    HUGS!

    Han

  19. Jaya August 12, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    Dear Bria,

    Please don’t give up. There are many people who care for you, and will help you get through this. Even if you have lost all hope, I and many others with me will continue to hope for you and help you fight.
    Please do get your meds checked.

    Keep your head up.
    Love,

  20. jay (@cosmicgirlie) August 12, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    My dear Bria,

    I cannot urge you enough to get your meds checked. I too suffered sever depression and had many vile panic attacks which would leave me immobilised, was on drugs and actually tried to take my life repeatedly. After I weaned myself off the last batch, I still face a long battle (it’s now been 10 years) but like you, I just wanted everythng to stop – suicide felt the only way. Having taken myself off the drugs I can see more clearly to say it’s not the way; though I still understand it.

    Please go and get your drugs checked, as soon as possible. If you can find a friend to talk to then please also do that; if you’re feeling brave enough you can talk to me about anything you like, I’ve learnt how important it is for people to listen to me when I’m in this place and I always hope to pass on or return the favour. And please, if writing is what’s helping you right now, then don’t ever stop.
    Thinking of you, with much love and support.
    jay
    xxxxxx

  21. Becca @ Respectivating August 12, 2010 at 10:14 am #

    Bria,
    I may not know what it feels like to have full-blown, diagnosed depression/anxiety, but I do know how it feels to belittle myself day after day, thinking I’m not good enough; wondering if life is worth living; wondering what people would say about me if I died tomorrow–would they even care?
    I know how all that feels, because I do it. A lot. More than I should.
    But you know what? Something, someone, always reminds me that it IS worth it, that I AM special and loved.
    And my hope is that that’s what all of these comments are doing for you, reminding you that you are beautiful, and loved, and that your life is valuable.
    In the words of Angel Second Class Clarence, “Every man’s life touches so many other lives. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole.”

    Also, as someone living with a relative who is constantly being put on or taken off of meds, I agree: please talk to your doctor about a different doseage, or a different med, or something.

    Thinking of and praying for you!

  22. Julie August 12, 2010 at 10:17 am #

    Bria,

    I pray that you can begin to heal and to see the tremendous value in your life. Please try to think of the time and money you may spend on getting help not as an increase in your debt, but as an investment in a future filled with peace of mind and joy in your heart.

    You are absolutely right, life is a struggle, but it is a battle that is well worth the fight! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today!

  23. ljkc August 12, 2010 at 10:20 am #

    Bria, I am so proud of you.

    I am so proud of your courage to be transparent and share your thoughts and feelings w/others in this public forum. You may feel weak but your words showcase a strong woman who knows herself. You are SO strong. You are. Thank you so much for sharing your life, it is inspiring to others. Look at these comments 🙂

    xo

  24. Jeffrey August 12, 2010 at 10:23 am #

    Bria,

    Please know that there are people all over the world who love you and are thinking about you. I’ve struggled with depression a lot over the years and, while I might not be able to fully empathize with your situation, I can understand a bit of what you’re going through. Please stay strong and know that there is a whole community here for you if you need to talk.

    Hugs,
    Jeffrey (Pittsburgh, PA)

  25. Rhonda August 12, 2010 at 10:23 am #

    Good for you for writing. Sometimes even that is challenging in times like these. Thanks for speaking out and sharing your story. Love and peace to you.

    I have found incredible joy and release through hooping. If you email me your address I’ll send you a hoop. Hooping.org has lots of information.

    At the same time I have found incredible joy and release through Zoloft & Klonopin! Take care of yourself like you would a friend. It will get better.

    Much love,
    ~a friend

  26. B August 12, 2010 at 10:24 am #

    Please know how courageous you are just to recognize what is going on and speak about it. You are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  27. Denise August 12, 2010 at 10:25 am #

    Bria,

    Hang in there, sweet, sweet girl. Believe it or not, there’s more beauty and good in this world than pain. You can get through this and will discover all of the happiness in the world. I have faith in you and your struggle. You will beat this. I will keep you in my thoughts & heart.

    -Denise

  28. Nate St. Pierre August 12, 2010 at 10:25 am #

    My dear Bria,

    I cried reading this post and the other two you referenced. Not out of pity, or because I felt sorry for you, but because it brought back an entire flood of thoughts and feelings and emotions from when I went through the same thing for a few years. The depression. The daily panic attacks, so debilitating that you physically shut down and can’t do anything. Wanting to scream and rage and cry and knowing that you can’t really do that, and even if you did, it wouldn’t help anything, and the fear and pain and destruction would still be there, gnawing at your insides, making you want to die, to do anything to escape from the torture. And all the while knowing that there’s nothing really THAT different and bad about your life, but your body is interpreting everything all wrong and throwing you down a rocky cliff for no reason.

    I could go on and on . . . reading your description of where you’re at right now sounded just like the kinds of things I would write and say during those years of my life. Years, yes. I know you’ve been dealing with it for years (forever?), and that the push-pull is emotionally, physically and mentally exhausting. It is SO hard, Bria, and to even have the strength to acknowledge exactly what’s going on, to initiate the process with the hospital and meds, and talk about it openly here on your site . . . I hope you know what all that means. It means you’re still fighting. And as long as you’re fighting, you can still win in the end. It’s a long, hard road with a few ups and more than its fair share of downs, but it does come to an end eventually. And if you continue to be brave enough and strong enough to fight through, you will find that end. And the end will be a place of stability and peace, and a larger measure of joy than I know you’ve experienced in a long time.

    Here’s a bit of truth you can hold onto: as Lauren said above, no matter what kinds of horrible things the voices in your head tell you about your situation, the ultimate truth is that you are valuable, and you are loved. Nobody can know exactly what kinds of things you’re battling with, and how hard it is to be you right now. When I was going through this, I remember saying that it’s something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. But I have seen this happen time and time again with people like you and me, and you know what? It does not last forever. I can laugh about it now, believe it or not. Of course, it’s always with a little bit of trepidation lest it return, because I still feel a little twinge of it sometimes, and I have a tiny bit of meds I can use if necessary, but the fact is that it’s far, far away these days. And when I read something from someone like you, who is in full battle with it at the moment, my heart goes out to you.

    Today I just want to leave you with encouragement, hope and love. You are a beautiful person with a good heart, and I can’t wait for you to get to the point where you’ll be ready to share all that you have with the world in a big way. Once you get past these hardships in your life, you’ll feel as though the world is at your feet, and you can do anything. And you will, my friend. You will.

    Because look at all you’re accomplishing even now, even while going through this. And once you beat it (or, as I put it, just get THROUGH it), you’ll be even stronger and have even more to give to others who are going through the same thing.

    I’m praying for you today, Bria.

    Much love,
    Nate

  29. Iselin August 12, 2010 at 10:26 am #

    Dear Bria,
    Please don’t give up.

    Know that you are loved, more than you can possibly comprehend.
    Know that you are amazing, in a completely unique way, just the way you are.
    Know that the world would not be whole without you.
    Know that you are strong, and that you can get through everything.
    Know that some time in the future, you will once again be happy, once again love life.

    I know it’s hard, but please don’t give up.

  30. Heather August 12, 2010 at 10:26 am #

    Bria,

    We are strangers but my heart breaks for you reading this. I have suffered with panic attacks, anxiety and depression since my early teens and it continues now into my 30s. The ups and downs can be truly devastating.

    Please do not give up on yourself, ever. Have hope, do not be afraid or ashamed to lean on your support network or on those people that can help you and do not be afraid to get the help you need. The added debt of getting more help may sting, but the road to recovery is worth the cost because a happy healthy you is the greatest investment of all.

  31. Starstrukk August 12, 2010 at 10:27 am #

    I to, have been where you are now. I understand the general feeling of “this is bullshit”. I always felt like life was extemely hard on me, and I watched my friends live a semi normal life and wondered why I had to be the one who had to force myself out of bed every morning and convince myself that going to school, and watching tv, and even eating was worth it.

    I was placed into a hospital after my first suicide attempt. but it seemed like things werent getting better, actually, I felt like they were getting worse. I couldnt handle the thought of my family feeling ashamed of me, so further into depression I went.

    But soon enough, after i was released I found what made me happy. Life, Traveling, Helping others, and religion.

    Although, this may not work for everyone, it helped me, I began seeing that just nature was beautiful all by its self.

    So my point of this book, lol, is find something that makes you happy, painting, singing, dancing, traveling, swimming, anything. it helps, more than I can express.

    Best wishes, Star.
    ps, you’ll be in prayers. ❤

  32. Kate C. August 12, 2010 at 10:28 am #

    Bria,

    Sending much love and hope your way. People all over are pulling for you. You CAN do this — and come out of it stronger, more fully alive, and filled to the brim with hope and healing and love.

  33. Natasha August 12, 2010 at 10:29 am #

    Brea- Please get your meds checked by the doctor! I know that even though you mention that therapy and meds are expensive and it’s cyclical, in the long run it might help and that is worth it.

    You’re in my thought sna prayers.

  34. Bree August 12, 2010 at 10:31 am #

    I know things are tough for you right now but you have to be strong. Remember that you may not be perfect but you are God’s creation and he doesn’t mess up! You are a beautiful strong women and I know that you can and will pull through this rough patch of life!
    “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you
    need, and thank him for all he has done.”
    I will be praying for you every day that God gives you the courage to stay strong and the ability to get your life back on track so that you can again know joy!!

  35. Kimberly August 12, 2010 at 10:32 am #

    Know that you’re loved! I said a prayer for you today.

  36. Kylie August 12, 2010 at 10:32 am #

    Bria,

    You can do this! Despite all that you are faced with, everything you’re going through, you are wise enough to write something so thoughtful and even eloquent. You are willing to reach out to someone, anyone, and that means you are stronger than you think. Echoing what others have said, this will not last forever, and you have the support and love of people you don’t even know. You will be in my prayers.

    Kylie

  37. Renanda August 12, 2010 at 10:32 am #

    I stumbled upon your blog and my heart aches for you. You used the words Fighter and Believer to describe yourself. Depression is a long battle, that may come and go. It may take several different kinds of medications and lots of trial and errors to find what works for you. FIGHT for it. Don’t loose hope. BELIEVE that the world is on your side- because it is.

    Sending you well wishes and prayers!
    -Renanda

  38. Stefanie August 12, 2010 at 10:33 am #

    Bria,

    I completely understand what you are feeling. I struggled with depression for over four years. I definitely recommend that you get your meds checked out. It is something I should have done, but never did so I felt like you do for years. Those were horrible years.

    I want you to know that you are strong enough to get through this, and you are not alone.

    Sending lots of love your way! ❤

  39. Angie August 12, 2010 at 10:34 am #

    Hi Bria,

    i just wanted to encourage you, to let you know that you mustn’t give up. I know life can be hard, especially in these times, but know that there are always, always people who love you. I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there, and just writing it down for total strangers to read. It shows that you’re strong, and unique and beautiful inside as well as out, and no matter what, don’t give up!

    much love and kisses, Angie

  40. juli August 12, 2010 at 10:35 am #

    Lover, Fighter, Dreamer, Believer — this is who you are. Hang on, keep talking and keep reaching out to those who love you most. You are loved.

  41. David August 12, 2010 at 10:35 am #

    I would just like for you to know that you are loved more than you could ever know, that there are countless people who are always here for you and love you no matter what and that these people want to help you in any way they can!! As hard as this may be and as much as it’s tearing you apart on the inside, this is something that you can and will get through, and it’s something that you will come out of with so much joy and hope that you won’t even feel like the same person. You are an amazing girl and you are loved and cared for beyond belief, and you will get through this!!! Please keep in mind that there are so many people that are always here for you and want to be here for you because of the genuine love that we all have for you!! 🙂

  42. Katherine August 12, 2010 at 10:35 am #

    Hi Bria. I am so sorry to read about what you are going through. I really admire the steps that you have taken to deal with this already. It really is amazing. Please keep trying to get help for this. You are an inspiration for continuing to believe in life when it has become so difficult. Please don’t lose hope. I think you are amazing. I am Praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story.

  43. Wendi August 12, 2010 at 10:37 am #

    Bria, hope you find some strength in these comments to be kind and patient to yourself.

  44. Annalisa August 12, 2010 at 10:41 am #

    Hi Bria. (:

    Can I start off by how beautiful I think you are? When I first entered this website I thought, what a pretty girl that matches her pretty name.

    Please dont take your life, I promise things will get better. It might take time, longer than any of us would rather, and your feelings of giving up will probably be stronger than ever. But remember that you are never alone. Ill always be here for you to rant, cry to, and listen. More importantly, Im here to be your friend.

    No matter how depressed, youll have me and so many others to share your pain and suffering. We may not be able to stop it instantly, but we will try our hardest to make it better. Dont give up, we are all supporting you in any way we can. You are loved Bria, remember that.

    Ive left my email, please write whenever you need to. (:

    Everythings going to be more than alright, everythings going to be great. (:


    Annalisa

  45. Priyasha August 12, 2010 at 10:41 am #

    Bria, I’m so so sorry that you have to go through this.

    Nobody deserves to, but you ARE strong and you have the power to make it through this.

    Look at how many people love you – how many people have commented showing their support. You don’t know it, but there are tons of people out there who love you (like me, I’m a complete stranger), because without you, there’d be one less beautiful person in the world and we don’t want that.

    You’re amazing, and you’re beautiful, and none of us want you to give up.
    Please stay strong and know that people love & support you.

    Priyasha

  46. Chrissy August 12, 2010 at 10:44 am #

    Bria,

    I couldn’t possibly imagine what you are going through. Even though I don’t personally know you, I want to reach out to you and let you know that you are loved and people really do care about you. I agree with the previous posters; you should have your meds checked and find something that you love to do that will make every day feel worthwhile. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  47. bubbleboo August 12, 2010 at 10:44 am #

    Oh, Bria. Sweetheart. You are so brave, and stronger than you know. That you are here, writing this stuff down, getting it out there is great. It’s great therapy, and it means people have a place to show you that they care.

    And people do care. And they want to help you. They want to make things better and take the pain away. I know it sometimes feels impossible to find a way out – believe me, I know. But there is hope in you, and you are not alone.

    Never be afraid to ask for help. Never be afraid to open up and talk to someone you trust – even if that person is on the other side of a computer screen. The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself. I know you don’t know me, but I’m at the end of an e-mail if you need me.

    I know the tiredness. That heavy, all-consuming fatigue that makes getting up in the morning akin to climbing Everest. The best thing – and the hardest – is to push through it. Climb that mountain. Walk. Run. Scream and yell.

    Don’t let it take away who you are.

    You are a Lover.
    You are a Fighter.
    You are a Dreamer.
    You are a Believer.

    Believe in yourself.

  48. zea August 12, 2010 at 10:46 am #

    It can be so tough sweetie! Hold on in there because you’re doing great- even talking or writing about this kind of thing can be a a massive struggle, so well done. You’re in my prayers love. xx

  49. Bre August 12, 2010 at 10:46 am #

    Hey there beautiful! I know it’s a hard, long struggle and the meds are just making you feel worse. Please believe that it has to get better, there’s no where to go but up from here. Maybe a new medication, I know that requires more money from the appointments required, but there has to be a way. If nothing else, know that if the world lost you, someone would care, someone would miss you. I would miss you. If you need someone, my number’s 803.574.9754. Anytime, day, night, weekends, or holidays.
    Love always,
    Bre.

  50. Gabe August 12, 2010 at 10:47 am #

    Stay strong, full of hope. People love you!

  51. JM August 12, 2010 at 10:47 am #

    There is a world of people out there to support you and we are all here for you. You are not alone.

  52. Alex August 12, 2010 at 10:47 am #

    Firstly, let me say much respect to you for confronting your problems by putting yourself in the hospital that time. Too many people suffer in silence without taking that step.

    Don’t give up. You are an amazing person with a lot to give to this world. We keep discovering new treatments and therapies for Depression and Anxiety. I was a participant in a very cool study myself about depression and seasonal affective disorder (feel free to email me for details if you’d like).

    As hard as it might be, take time to remember all of the wonderful good things about yourself. There is no shame in battling depression and anxiety. They are an epidemic and need to be treated with the respect they deserve.

    Know that you are not alone and that there is an incredible amount of love and support in this world for you.

  53. Melly August 12, 2010 at 10:49 am #

    I have been there. It was years ago but I remember it so I understand.

    My recommendations would be to go see a doctor and get your meds checked and maybe see a counsellor so you can work through your feelings and find a way to either deal with what is causing you stress or find a way to change the situation.

    All is not lost, no matter how you feel now.

    I hope you do start to feel better soon, but please don’t give up.

  54. Carly August 12, 2010 at 10:51 am #

    Hello Bria!

    Another stranger here! Hey listen, just because we’ve never met doesn’t mean I don’t care about you! I am so sorry that you are suffering. I have suffered at the hands of depression myself. Please please give your doctors at least one more chance to fix your meds. I know it seems like a downward cycle with your finances…but if you give them a chance to get it right…you have a great chance of turning everything into an upward spiral, and getting everything under control. It might take only a phone call which might not cost anything! I am rooting for you and sending you lots of strength, good vibes, and white light!!!

    Please take care and know that you are not alone. I will be thinking of you a lot from now on. I will be thinking of you from time to time when I’m falling asleep, probably sometimes when I wake up and don’t feel like getting out of bed. I’d bet that a lot of the people leaving comments here today will also be thinking of you. When you are feeling your worst, you can bet one of us, many of us will be thinking of you and sending you strength and holding you in our hearts.

    Please give your doctors one more chance.

    Lots of Love,
    Carly

  55. Heather August 12, 2010 at 10:51 am #

    Bria-
    I suffer from anxiety problems myself and definitely understand your feelings. PLEASE have your meds reevaluated–you should not be feeling the way you do on them. In fact some have the side effect of suicidal thoughts in young adults–which you are–so the meds could be part of the issue.

    So, follow your own credo and be a fighter and a believer! You can get through this! Life can be SO wonderful–don’t miss out on it. I hope the support form others gives you strength and HOPE.

    TAKE CARE!

  56. Jes August 12, 2010 at 10:52 am #

    Bria, you are beautiful, amazing, strong, and loved! You are in my prayers, and I hope a little extra sun shines down on you today.

  57. Amanda Hite @sexythinker August 12, 2010 at 10:53 am #

    Bria,

    Taking care of you has to be the most important and only priority no matter what the cost. Life can be a beautiful precious thing. My heartaches reading your blog. I’m praying at this moment that you find peach and hope. I think it’s really important to create a supportive environment for yourself on and offline. If you don’t have a strong offline support environment there are several places online where you can surround yourself with positive, genuine people like us who care. Places like it itstartswith.us

    Authentically,
    Amanda

  58. brook August 12, 2010 at 10:54 am #

    I know what it feels like to want to give up. And.I know what it feels like to be glad I’m alive after wanting to die. Love makes it worth it and I love you. I don’t want you gone, and I don’t even know you. Please know that life gets better, even if it doesn’t look like it. Know that we are here for you, even if you don’t see us.”everything works out in the end. if its not ok… its not the end.” -brooklyn

  59. Kite August 12, 2010 at 10:55 am #

    Things will get better, Bria. I hope they do as soon as possible for you.

    Best wishes.

  60. Kate August 12, 2010 at 10:56 am #

    Please don’t give up.

    Please.

  61. Lola August 12, 2010 at 10:59 am #

    Dear Bria ~

    I understand. I’ve been dealing and struggling with depression for 11 years now and although I don’t think I’ll ever find the “perfect” anti-depression cocktail, the meds I’m currently on work better than any of the others. So although it’s been said already, it’s important enough to be said over and over again: please get your meds checked.

    Finding the meds that work best for you will get you feeling well enough to start working through the details of your beautiful life. And it IS a beautiful life. You may not be able to see it right now, but it’s there. And as the fuzzy, murky veil of depression is lifted by the meds, you’ll start to see it again, and be drawn to it, and want to be a part of it. Ignore the gut-wrenching worry about adding to your debt (yes, I understand that too) and please go see your doctor again. You are worth the expense and deserve to live and enjoy your beautiful life.

    Sending you love, light, hope and joy.
    ~ Lola

  62. Cammy@ClassroomConfessions August 12, 2010 at 11:00 am #

    Bria! I am praying for you! Don’t give up. I have been in your situation, I know how hopeless it can be. You feel like you are worthless and you have contributed nothing to the world and so it would be better off without you. TRUST ME, we need you here! E-mail me anytime if you need an ear.
    XOXO

  63. Krystal August 12, 2010 at 11:04 am #

    Bria,

    You are wonderfully made, and people care about you more than you can ever know. Please don’t give up, because you are here for a reason, and you have a purpose. You may never know whose lives you are touching and what joy you are bringing to people. I know things seem bleak now, but there is hope, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Please read and re-read all the wonderful comments here and KNOW that you are loved, and cared about and prayed for.

  64. Jen @ lifelove'n'wine August 12, 2010 at 11:05 am #

    It breaks my heart to read your words…I have felt all of those things before. The wish that I could just end it all and the belief that it won’t get better. Please, please know that it will. Debt is not the end of the world…though it feels like it…I’ve been there too. Your health needs to come first. Please go see a doctor and/or therapist. You are a beautiful person and you deserve whatever it takes to feel better. My thoughts are with you and I wish you all the best in getting out of the hole that is depression.

  65. Mare August 12, 2010 at 11:08 am #

    Having lost one brother to suicide and a sister who has attempted it twice, my heart is breaking for you and your loved ones. Please know the hole that is left is huge and gaping and can never be filled. You belong here. You are loved here. You can’t see it through the fog of pain and depression, but you are. Let the love, the meds, the doctors and your family and friends help you get better. You WILL get better.

    I don’t know you, but I do know you are going to get through this. It won’t be easy. It won’t be overnight. You’ve touched me and I would be very sad to learn you aren’t here. It’s worth it to do the work and remember what joy and happiness feels like.

    Hang in there. There is a future and it’s bright. The shades are just pulled for now.

  66. Vanessa August 12, 2010 at 11:08 am #

    Bria, It really took a lot of courage to open up the way you did. There are so many of us who suffer silently. I know because I did. I wish there was some magic powder to sprinkle over you to turn the darkness into light, but since there isn’t, I send you a very warm, big virtual hug. Please listen to that part of you that is screaming to live and be alive. The universe really does love you.

  67. Kristin August 12, 2010 at 11:08 am #

    Bria,

    I know where you are and how you feel. It’s not whiny to say it. It’s necessary to say it. If anyone were to accuse you of “whining” the simple fact is that they don’t understand what’s going on. The last thing you should feel is shame about your condition.

    I have been medicated on and off for most of my life. I am sometimes bad. I am sometimes good.

    But either way, I won’t give up. I don’t think you want to either: you see beauty around you…lover, fighter, dreamer, believer. You will live up to those descriptions.

    Love,
    Kristin

  68. Athena August 12, 2010 at 11:08 am #

    You sound like you are going through a really rough time…Im not familiar with meds and their unpredictable effects but they seem to be doing a lot more damage than good! If you could focus on solving that issue first, then you can be receptive to the love all around you and know you and your life are beautiful and precious! You are wonderful and fantastic just the way you are, no need to be “successful” for anyone! Do everything you can to remind yourself that you are amazing, it’s very clear from your blog that you are!!

  69. cjy August 12, 2010 at 11:09 am #

    Bria, I have to go along with the several who have commented and say “GET YOUR MEDS CHECKED!” and also you must, must, must be seeing a psychiatrist, psychiatric nurse practitioner or the like at least once a week to monitor your meds and see how you are doing not to mention that talk therapy is very valuable to the process of healing. I too suffer from depression and am taking anti-depressants. Your life can and will open up and be yours again if you take the steps to get well.
    Back to the talk therapy – it helps you to put in a new tape so to speak. Negativity breeds negativity and the bad tape running in your brain when you are ill perpetuates the problem. So too when you are being advised and counseled by a good therapist more and more positive and reaffirming information is added to the tape – and the better it gets – the better you get. My therapist described it to me as “What fires wires” – The negative or positive thought patterns in your brain get wired in. So as you can imagine – it takes time to rewire – but with the proper meds and therapy – it works. You do need to be patient, hopeful, and determined. All the other problems in your life that you describe are solvable once you get the depression managed. I am living proof.
    Take the journey.

  70. Lena August 12, 2010 at 11:10 am #

    Oh, Bria…dear one. My heart hurts for you and for what you are going through. Yet, I know you can and will find the strength to survive this.

    …sending (((hugs))) and warm thoughts of strength, comfort, and support your way.

    love,
    Lena

  71. Christy August 12, 2010 at 11:11 am #

    Bria,

    I felt sucidial many times during my life. The one thing that kept me from giving up was knowing that I had people that loved me and cared about me. People love you and care about you. Don’t give up.

  72. jamie August 12, 2010 at 11:12 am #

    Dear Bria,
    As you can tell, you’re not alone. We’re here with you lifting you up in prayer. As somebody, who also understands what you’re going thru, please know that there is hope. I wholeheartedly agree with everybody who said that you need to talk to your doctor about getting your meds checked. I know it’s a pain in the butt to get what you need from a doctor and to find answers that you need but it’s worth it. You have to take care of you. You have so much to offer this world. I’m somebody who has dealt with depression on and off for many, many years. I’ve attempted suicide. I’ve had post-partum depression. I’ve had an early mid-life crisis. There is hope and you can come out of this better than ever. Please believe that. Please believe that you are a beautiful person with so much to give to this world. In your darkest of days, know that you are not alone. Praying for you, sweet one. Much love to you!
    -jamie

  73. kelly August 12, 2010 at 11:13 am #

    you are amazing for sharing your struggles with so many people. know that there are so many people on your side, praying and hoping for you. keep going. don’t give up.

  74. chalkboarder August 12, 2010 at 11:15 am #

    You don’t know me. I know part of what you are experiencing. Struggle and finding path out of these feelings is hard and lonely.

    I won’t give you cliches, or easily discardable statements. I will challenge and ask you to believe in your gut that you have the ability to shape your world.

    Please feel free to come play, laugh and struggle in my village/tribe. You can find me on twitter @jeffreyjkingman or simply email.

  75. Kristin August 12, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    Dear Bria,

    I don’t know you, but was directed to your blog by a friend on Twitter. I too have suffered from depression. I hated my job, but felt stuck by debt and lack of educaction. Men broke my heart. Friends and family didn’t understand. I wanted it all to end too. But with a lot of prayer and hard work on my part, I am now doing better. Life isn’t perfect, but I am going to school part-time to do something I’ve dreamt about for 15 years. I’m going farther into debt, and other sacrifices are being made. I still have struggles, but overall I am happy. You can get there too! You have tons of people who love you and seem like a bright lady. Please don’t give up. Talk to someone about your meds. Get yourself stabilized. And things will turn around. I read this quote in a catalog today, and I hope you will take it to heart: “Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, adn smarter than you think.” ~ Christopher Robin to Pooh

    Kristin

  76. illuminarti August 12, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    Bria – So many people care so much about you… please always remember that. Put yourself first, and take care of yourself now. Get your meds checked, talk to your therapist – do what you need to do to allow yourself to begin to escape from this. Don’t worry about debts, those can be overcome in time; and can never really harm you. You’re such a beautiful, valuable person… keep fighting; there is so much love and wonderfulness all around us, even if you can’t see it right now. Lean on the folks around you, and you can get back to a good place again. Things can and will be better; just give yourself time, and don’t be shy to take all the help you can get – there’s a lot of people on your side.

    • illuminarti August 12, 2010 at 11:21 am #

      And what a friendly icon it picked for me 🙂

  77. Sadie August 12, 2010 at 11:16 am #

    Bria,
    You are:
    Beautiful
    Amazing
    Fantastic
    Talented
    Strong
    Brilliant
    Loved
    and so much more. You have the support and love of so many people, and we’re going to help you every way we can, just say what you need. We love you and care about you. Don’t ever give up. Even if it doesn’t seem like it now, you’re SUPERWOMAN, Bria. And you can totally win this.

  78. Layne August 12, 2010 at 11:17 am #

    Bria, my heart truly goes out to you. I too have struggled with depression and anxiety in varying degrees over the years, and reading your story just makes my heart ache. Please know that you are not alone in this and that there is so much beauty in life when you get past this. And YOU WILL get past this. Keep fighting. <333

  79. Caroline August 12, 2010 at 11:19 am #

    I don’t have a solution for you, but I’d just like to offer my support and encouragement. No matter what route you take, I hope that you get on the road to recovery and begin that uphill climb away from depression. There’s a lot of greatness in this world, so I hope you will get to enjoy it soon.

  80. Paulette Morris August 12, 2010 at 11:19 am #

    Take care and hang in there. Lots of good advice here. I found this blog through a twitter post FYI. There are a lot of people out there pulling for you. Looking forward to reading a happy updated blog post. 😀

  81. Lauren August 12, 2010 at 11:21 am #

    Darling Bria,

    You are amazing. Look at all of these people that came, just for you. You are loved by so many. I am in awe of your strength and ability to place these indescribable feelings down in words. Your writing is beautiful and thoughtfully crafted – far far from any sort of whining, it’s your truth. There is nothing more noble than sharing your truths and feelings, regardless of the form.

    Look into the meds and never be afraid to share in those trying moments. You are beautiful, inside and out.

    Keep loving. Keep fighting. Keep dreaming. Keep believing.

  82. Allison August 12, 2010 at 11:21 am #

    Bria,
    You’re such a beautiful girl and I hope that amidst all this pain you are feeling, you never lose sight of that. In your profile, you describe yourself as a “lover, FIGHTER, dreamer, BELIEVER”. Read that over and over and over again if you have to, say it in the mirror to yourself, do whatever you can to make you feel these things again, because they are all more than true. You have such heart, such passion, and you are more than capable of doing such great things. I pray that you find comfort, strength, and the ability to believe in yourself once again. Please be encouraged in knowing you are never alone, you haven’t been forgotten, and you are loved more than you could ever imagine.

    Love you girl. Be strong, stay strong. You can make it through all of this ❤

    1 Peter 5:7 " Cast all of your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

  83. Lexie August 12, 2010 at 11:22 am #

    Bria-

    I just want to say that I’ve been there, and I completely understand you. I suffered from depression/anxiety and I was medicated for years on Lexapro and was in therapy for 2 years. Like you said, it helped for a while, but the depression would fight its way through and things would start to feel helpless.

    It’s terrible how disorders are looked at these days; it’s not spoken about and people treat you differently. I never felt like I had anyone to talk to because I felt like my friends would think I was crazy. I felt like there was something wrong with me, and I wondered, “Why can’t I just be happy? Why do I need to be on meds just to function?” Well, normal is relative, as I’ve come to find out. One day I was in a session, my therapist told me that this is something I will be struggling with my whole life. Those words were the hardest to hear. It felt like a life sentence, something I’d never escape.

    I’m sorry to say there’s no instant cure. Bravo for you, checking yourself in and trying to get help. That’s a big step, recognizing that you want things to change, and you’re being proactive. While I don’t think depression can be “outgrown,” I do believe that it can be overcome, daily. It never really goes away, but somehow we learn how to surpass those feelings. I think people with depression are the strongest, because we have to work so hard against feelings that would destroy most people. Don’t give up hope, Bria. There will come a time where you too have overcome this, and it will all be a dark chapter in your life. You’ll make it through to the other side. What worked for me was turning to my religion and to the Lord. I know this isn’t for everyone, but there will be something in your life that will help you realize, “Life is worth living. I have something to offer.”

    Bria, life is worth living. You have something to offer.

  84. Basht August 12, 2010 at 11:24 am #

    you aren’t being whiney. We all have a right to express our feelings. i wish that i could give you a million hugs and help you out.

  85. Noland Hoshino August 12, 2010 at 11:25 am #

    There are 76 reasons to embrace life. 76 people responded to your post (I’m 76th). If 76 strangers take the time to send their love and share a part of their life with you, than you are a special lady.

    Please print the 76 comments and read one every day. It will help you through the tough times and give you answers to your questions.

    Sending you good vibes and karma.

  86. Chris Havrilla August 12, 2010 at 11:28 am #

    Bria,

    I want you to know you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. It breaks my hurt that you are suffering. Please go get your meds reassessed — keep fighting and advocating for yourself. It may take a while to find the right mix for you but when you do, you will be ready to tackle everything you want and need to deal with — one step at a time. You can do this — I am in awe of the strength and courage you have. I hope you see it the way we do! Never give up — you can beat this and live the beautiful life you deserve.

    Love and prayers,
    Chris

  87. Laurel August 12, 2010 at 11:28 am #

    Hey Bria,
    I can’t completely understand what you’re going through, but I can imagine that it must, frankly, suck. Depression is different for everyone, and though I’ve faced it a little off and on, I don’t know what to say to make you feel better. Just know that you’ll be in my prayers(I don’t know whether or not you’re religious, but there it is).

    I know you can work through this. It’ll be tough, but getting through it will just make you stronger than you already are.

    Sincerely,
    Laurel

  88. Amy August 12, 2010 at 11:31 am #

    Bria, I just wanted to add my strength to the power we’re all sending your way.

    And I wanted to say that I used to think depression was “in your head.” That everyone should just look on the bright side—-but then I had a baby and got post-partum. My son was beautiful, delivery was simple, I even fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans. But I wanted to kill myself rather than ever see anything happen to this sweet new love. What?! I knew then that it didn’t make any sense, and I’m so glad I didn’t act on it. Because now he’s going into high school and we locked arms on a bungee-swing ride the other night for the thrill of a lifetime, one of the millions of happy moments I’ve shared with him. And I would have missed them all if I had given in to my dark thoughts.

    My depression was chemical, and I’m so grateful it happened. It gave me empathy about how real that problem is. Hang in there getting your meds right. It can be a frustrating process, but it will give you your life back, and the strength to reach your goals one tiny decision at a time.

    You. Can. Do. This. And you can be happy.

    Love to you.

  89. lewelen August 12, 2010 at 11:31 am #

    Bria.
    Recovery, in all things, is never trouble-free.

    Through our lovebomb group, I learned you have been having suicidal thoughts. I hope that the your meds can be adjusted for depression. I pray you are strong in mind, body and spirit and accept the challenge of LIFE!
    Find a job you LIKE.
    Enroll in ONE daytime, evening or online class!
    WRITE WRITE WRITE.
    At least putting it on paper is a place to release. Do not hold it in.
    KNOW that you are not alone and most importantly –
    There would be no replacing you… and the world would be a lesser place without you.
    I can say that because I know.

    My step-son took his own life at age 26. He left a young wife and a new baby. He left a mother, a father, a step-mother, 2 half sisters and many other family members and friends behind. People who are never able to get away from the question of why… or the what ifs… and are afraid to mention his name and walk on eggshells around the ones most affected because his leaving left a VOID so huge, it will never be filled.

    Bria. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. God Almighty has placed you on this earth for a reason. You have a journey to make.
    I don’t know you – but I can tell you from what I have learned from my own girls, you are unique. There is only one of you. You cannot be replaced. You are precious in the sight of God.

    Isaiah 41:10
    So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

    • Cheryl August 12, 2010 at 11:36 am #

      Bria, You are a beautiful child of God. He loves you & cares deeply for you. I would suggest that you open up a bible (new living translation is easier to understand)and just start reading. It will give you so much encouragement when you are feeling low.
      Please hang in there.
      We Care!
      Hugs!! >j<

  90. Kitty August 12, 2010 at 11:33 am #

    My dear friend,

    I know your pain all too well. Reading you post broyght back so many memories…

    I want to encourage you with a few things I know it’s hard to remember when things are like this …

    1. Let knowledge and fact trump feelings. When your feelings are so desperate, they can make you see things wrong. Take what you KNOW is the truth and cling to that. You are valuable. You are loved and cared about. God loves you.

    2. Have those who say they love you write you a letter. That way, when everything is ouch and crazy, you can easily remind yourself what is true. It gives you a rock to cling to in the storm. You can start by rereading this and many other comments. Print them. Carry one or two in your pocket.

    3. Ride it out. It FEELS like storms will last forever, but that isn’t true. Go back to the hospital if you need it to keep yourself safe, but DON’T GIVE UP. This isn’t the end of the story!

    I know your pain, and my heart cries with you. I care. You are loved more than you know, I promise. There is life after this. I am living proof.

    God bless you, Brie.

    Kitty

  91. Jeannie August 12, 2010 at 11:34 am #

    You are so loved and cared about. Don’t trust your feelings because they are always going to go up and down, but trust the truth. You are loved and there is a great purpose for your life. You will get through this. You will become joyful once again. All you need is to get over this mountain. Because after being joyful once, you know that all the pain is worth it. Youbare important to this world. I can’t wait to hear your success story. Love you Bria.

  92. VeritableAlly August 12, 2010 at 11:36 am #

    you are NOT whiny.
    The people who read your blog care
    I wish there was something more i could do that we could all do.

    all you need to know is that we are behind you – always.

  93. Heather August 12, 2010 at 11:42 am #

    Dear Bria,

    I’m not going to pretend like I know exactly what you’re going through, because everyone is unique and everyone takes life a little bit differently. I do know some of your feelings though. I was once extremely depressed, even though I was never medically diagnosed, I just hid it well. I too once contemplated suicide, and almost went through with it a few times. My emotions ranged from “I hate the world” to “I’m so sad I’m going to break” to “I feel nothing anymore”. There were so many times that I walked past the pill cabinet in my house, knowing that I could take a bottle’s worth and it would be over. But something inside of me, a little light, kept me holding on. One day, I was about to commit suicide by slitting my throat with a knife, but I just couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough (or weak enough, depending on how you look at it). I’m happy to say that now, I no longer suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts. I’ve learned that EVERY SINGLE LIFE is valuable.

    Bria, I don’t know if you believe in God or not, but I do. I strongly believe that He was the one that gave a little 12 year old girl hope to live. If you don’t believe in God, that’s your business. But if you do, know that He’ll give you all the strength and more to live, to fight. He already has.

    ❤ Heather

  94. kxm August 12, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    Dear Bria:

    Your post makes my heart ache because I feel so much of what you are going through. I too am frustrated with the process of trying to figure out how to take care of myself, but I’m continuing to push forward and find ways to ask others for help, which I’m really lousy at doing.

    I understand well the problem of feeling overwhelmed and trapped. You wrote “I work at a job I hate, am in too much debt, am not in school, and I feel completely unsuccessful. And I want to fix these things, but it is all cyclical. And going in to the doctor or seeing my therapist because I am in such an unhealthy state will simply add to the debt. And it is frustrating. I just don’t know what to do.”

    You are right that everything is interconnected, but you have to figure out what things are the most important–what is most likely to help you move to a healthier state of mind so that you can better deal with the rest? There may be ways to get financial assistance for your medication, or places that offer sliding scale rates for therapy that will ease some of the financial burden.

    But it is important to invest in your health and well-being–without those you cannot find a better career, go back to school or otherwise make your life feel more fulfilling.

    You are not alone, nor a whiner. It’s hard to talk about these things, I know. Still harder to keep at it when you feel sooo very low. But let’s do it anyway. I want to tell you that you can do it and there’s hope, so I guess that means that I’m going to keep trying to get my life together too.

    Take care of yourself because there are people who need your beauty, love, grace, intelligence, strength, and wisdom.

    May you have love and it’s causes.
    May you be free from suffering and it’s causes.
    May you never be separated from the joy that knows no sorrow.
    May you abide in equanimity, free from bias, attachment and anger.

    Namasté, dear one. _/|\_

  95. Joy August 12, 2010 at 11:48 am #

    Bria! You’re so young and you have so much to live for. I know it all seems hard now, but when things get rough, always know that you’re just in a dark valley. You’ll get to your mountain top soon enough. Don’t give up hope. Never, ever. There are too many things to see in this life.

    “This too shall pass.”

  96. R August 12, 2010 at 11:53 am #

    I do not know what you are going through, and I would never pretend to. I support you on your journey and hope that you are able to see the same beauty in yourself that others see. Life is a battle for everyone, and reading your words gives me hope that there is someone strong enough to withstand what is tossed at her. That someone is you. You are extraordinary. You are amazing. You are the only you there is. ♥

  97. PILATES Jenn August 12, 2010 at 11:56 am #

    Hi,
    I hope you feel the love a total stranger can send your way. Life IS tough and it IS hard…but it IS worth it. Please know you are never alone in your struggles. God is by your side and wants nothing but peace and love for you.
    My mother suffers from depression still and I have seen first hand how sad it can be. Medications can help you. My only other advice would be to try meditation. Start small, and stay positive. Exercise is also proven to help treat and even cure depression (although I think it works best in combo with meds and exercise!!!! even if it is a walk and all you do is cry while you walk…get movning) My heart goes out to you and hope you find peace and feel love from all around you.

  98. Sara August 12, 2010 at 11:56 am #

    I agree with many of the comments–get your meds checked and that may be the start of feeling better. Remember you are beautiful and every life has meaning.

  99. laurel August 12, 2010 at 12:00 pm #

    beautiful Bria,
    I am amazed at how strong you are even through all of this… to so honestly tell what you are going through. Don’t give up. You’ve made it this far. YOU ARE SO LOVED. You are in my thoughts and prayers… prayers that you find healing. You WILL find it, just don’t give up.

    much love,
    laurel

  100. Beth Gallagher August 12, 2010 at 12:03 pm #

    Bria, Thought I’d drop a note into your heart. Suffering…and you are suffering greatly, is so difficult, brings out so much pain, darkness and hopelessness in our minds…at the same time, it changes us in ways that when we look back we can see clearly how it has strengthened us,made us more compassionate towards others and grew us up in ways we never knew we needed. It makes us reach out for help, pushes us to know we want to live. I”m hoping you decide to take that one step to choose to live and be strong, receive encouragement that you are worth taking the step to continue getting help until you are better, stronger. Never give up on hope and never believe the lie that the world would be a better place without you. You are here with a purpose and a call to love others and receive love to be the person you were created to be beyond your depression and anxiety. There are many seasons of your life waiting in your days, months and years ahead!

  101. Chelsea August 12, 2010 at 12:03 pm #

    Thinking of you today – just keep going one day, one moment at a time.

    • Sam Ordos August 12, 2010 at 12:23 pm #

      I just did a quick websearch and it looks like the meaning of “Bria” is “noble” and “strong.” My prayer for you is that you continue to find the strength to believe that the light always wins over the darkness. We love you and want you here on earth with us forever. It’s not fair, its not easy, (life, that is), but it is beautiful and real and important. You can do it.


      Sam

  102. Jenn Hoff August 12, 2010 at 12:08 pm #

    Bria, I am so sorry for what you’re feeling and what you’re going through. I have a rare genetic disorder that makes me unable to move much or function, either. I’ve been struggling with similar feelings, knowing that there’s no cure and that it’s just supposed to get worse through my life! I know the Lord has a plan for me, but I have no idea what it is right now! 🙂 It’s certainly not what I thought it would be.
    Even though our situations are different, I feel like I can relate to what you’re saying. Hope is a dangerous thing to loose, and it’s very hard to get back. One thing that I think is awesome that you’re doing is having this blog that people can relate to who are feeling depression as well. Maybe that in itself is enough to live for right now.
    I hope that things will get a little better for you and that you can find the right balance of meds. My ex-husband felt deep depression for years until the right combo was found. I think hope could still be around the corner.
    Anyway, I’m sorry that I’m blabbing, but I’m just thinking of you even though we don’t know each other, and you’re in my prayers.
    Jenn

  103. Danielle August 12, 2010 at 12:12 pm #

    Dear Lover, Fighter, Dreamer, Believer…be strong. Life is truly a gift. xo!

  104. Raine August 12, 2010 at 12:12 pm #

    ❤ HUGS, my friend. I understand where you are coming from, I too have depression and panic disorder. I am on wellbutrin and ativan. I have crossed many a road thinking "Go ahead, hit me, do me a favor." It was really bad a couple months ago and I couldn't figure out why my psychitrist wouldnt up my meds, but they can only do so much. So, I really urge you not to give up on them, maybe you need an adjustment, but don't stop taking them.

    You are loved. I know you are because there are over 100 comments before me, and although I have not read all of them, I am sure that people don't think you are whiny.

    You are loved. I know it's hard to remember that sometimes, but you have affected so many people, you probably don't even know.

    You are loved. You can do it, it may seem like you'll never be happy again, but you will. I get depressed thinking that I'll always have to go to therapy and take meds, but that means that I am alive and well. Lots of people have to take meds for one thing or another.

    You are loved. I am rambling now, but I hope you read all of these comments and realize that you are loved. I know you don't know me, but you can email me anytime.

    HUGS, my friend. ❤

  105. Cat August 12, 2010 at 12:14 pm #

    First of all let me say that I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. I myself went through a stage of being completely depressed, suicidal and having horrible panic attacks. But I got through it. And I KNOW you can too. I’m not saying this to brag or make you feel worse about yourself but to let you know that you can get better and stay better. You are a beautiful woman and you deserve to feel like you’re worth something.
    Reading all of these positive wonderful comments shows how much people care about your well being, even if they don’t you from Jack.
    I really really really really hope you get everything sorted (including your meds) and your life turns out just the way you want it to.
    Be happy, always.
    Cat xxxx

  106. Jade August 12, 2010 at 12:14 pm #

    Bria, you are so brave to bring all this out into the open and talk about it with everyone. You’re a strong person and you can do this! The sky’s the limit, we’re all rooting for you! ❤

  107. cleaneatingchelsey August 12, 2010 at 12:18 pm #

    Bria,

    You are so worth the fight my dear. I can feel through your writing that you are a FIGHTER – someone who DOESN’T GIVE UP. I promise there is more to life than what you are experiencing right now. I pray you get your meds checked and get the help you DESERVE. You are a strong, beautiful, and determined woman.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep holding on.

  108. lizisme August 12, 2010 at 12:19 pm #

    I know how you feel. But hang in there. I too suffer from the exact same things. Some days are harder than others. But you sound like a very strong woman, so don’t give up. Just know, how strong you are for posting this.

    I hope you feel better.

  109. Amira August 12, 2010 at 12:19 pm #

    Bria,

    I know where you are. I suffer from depression and slight anxiety. I know what it’s like to just want to end it all, but you have to remember there are people who love you. And if you don’t know that, then maybe they should try harder. My depression is so bad that sometimes I feel completely alone. Nobody truly understands how that feels, and it sucks. I know it does.

    As for your meds, I understand that they don’t work. I’ve been on different anti-depressants and they just never worked. They both made everything worse. The first one made me feel worse. The second just made me crazy. Sometimes all the overwhelming stress would build up and I would go insane and try to kill myself. So I stopped. I’d rather be depressed and feel lonely rather than hurt myself…

    But you will be in my thoughts. I hope you find some peace within yourself and I hope you can get those debt issues dealt with. Just take it all one step at a time.

    I believe in you,
    Amira

  110. Angela August 12, 2010 at 12:20 pm #

    Bria,
    You are loved! You are surrounded by more people who care for you than you may even realize, and you have an amazing blogosphere willing to rally around you and send good thoughts your way.
    I have faith that you will beat this and get better!
    Stay strong.

  111. Caitlyn August 12, 2010 at 12:24 pm #

    Bria,
    My whole heart goes out to you girl. My whole family, including myself, has struggled with depression. I remember the different medications they put me on and feeling exactly how you feel. Better at first, but then something would change. One made me so angry I didn’t even recognize myself. Another made me feel just like you, like it was all bottled up inside and I just wanted to let it out, but for some reason my tear ducts just weren’t working anymore. I 100% agree with the people who have said that you should get your medications checked. The first one isn’t always the right one! While going through all of this please remember one thing, you are loved. By family, coworkers, friends and strangers like most of the people commenting on your blog. We love you and we want nothing more than to see you be able to post happier things and mean them. That is the ultimate goal. I have faith that you can beat your depression and your anxiety with some help. I will be praying for you every chance I get!

    Love,
    Caitlyn

  112. Natasha August 12, 2010 at 12:25 pm #

    Bria,

    Reading this post, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I read your previous posts that you linked to in this one, and I want you to know how incredibly strong you are. You knew that you needed help and you went for it. So many people don’t, and I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to do it, but you did. Your strength is truly amazing and inspirational.

    I urge you to look for help again. Definitely get your meds checked, and I think that looking into counselling or a similar talking therapy would be a great idea for you. As you say, this could put you into debt, but that would be temporary and when you feel healthy you’ll be able to work through that so much more easily. I fully believe it would be worth it.

    Bria, you are so beautiful, so strong, so inspiring, so wise.

    You’re in my prayers x x

  113. KT August 12, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

    I suffer with severe depression and I’ve tried to commit suicide several times, however after many years of trying different medications I’ve finally found one that helps. I’m telling you this so you can see that there is hope at the end of the tunnel. If you’re feeling actively suicidal then check yourself back into hospital or at least get your meds checked, talk to people about how you feel: family, friends, your doctor etc. They all want to help you. Stay safe *hugs*

  114. Sabriel August 12, 2010 at 12:27 pm #

    Bria,
    I also suffer from sever clinical depression. I have been in and out of the hospital several times, and have attempted suicide twice. As I know that you know, the darkness is overwhelming and thick. I used to (and sometimes still do) feel is pressing on my back and clouding my eyes. But I am here to give you a message of HOPE. of LOVE. of TRUTH. I am steadier, and though I know that I will fight that darkness all my life, I am more able to see the light in my life. You are beautiful, you are talented, you are a DAUGHTER of GOD. I know that I can tell you all of these things and they will only glance aside, but more than anything I want to tell you that I BELIEVE IN YOU and the human heart beating like mad within you. You WILL rise above, and be that much stronger, that much better for this pain. I love you, I believe in you.

  115. chelsea August 12, 2010 at 12:30 pm #

    bria,

    keep trying. i know that life can be a struggle and that it’s hard to keep going, but you need to. for all the reasons there are in the world not to live, there are a million more reasons to celebrate life, to enjoy it, to find ways to push past the grief and fight for happiness. i know that it doesn’t seem like there should be a fight just to be happy, but sometimes we have to, and it’s worth it.

    sending positive thoughts your way. ❤

  116. Cheryl August 12, 2010 at 12:30 pm #

    Oh Bria –
    I am so familiar with what you described since my teenage daughter has suffered with depression & anxiety for the past 4-6 years. She went through several medications, saw a psychiatrist (at times weekly) had an intentional overdose attempt and wound up in the county mental health complex for a few days and has struggled off & on for years. She describes some of the exact same things as you have. She is a beautiful, creative, intelligent young lady with friends and a loving family and she still struggles with it. Things have improved tremendously since she finished high school, so perhaps a change of venue for you (such as a new job) would also help. Please know that you are not alone and that many, many people care about you and love you and will help you when you need it. Perhaps a different medication would help as well. Just reach out to friends and those available to help. Please ask for help when you need it and realize that you are a precious, valuable human being that has a purpose for being here. People care, please know that.
    Take care and Godspeed –
    Cheryl

  117. Robin August 12, 2010 at 12:30 pm #

    Bria,

    You are loved and you are worth the effort. There’s a life worth living on the other side of the tunnel you’re in right now, get help to find it!

  118. Livi August 12, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

    There are so many supportive comments here and I hope you take strength from them. I’m afraid all I can offer you is that I know how you feel, I really do. I wish I could give you more but that’s all I have.
    I truly hope that you listen to all these people and go and get your medication reassessed and find the help you deserve.

  119. Dith August 12, 2010 at 12:34 pm #

    Hello lovely.

    Have been there too. I now actually work to support those who are still ‘going through it.’ I, and many others, are living proof that it can, and does, get better.

    It may not FEEL as though it can improve, but your feelings do not always match with the FACTS. For e.g. do you feel loved at the moment? Now look at the amount of comments you have, from both good friends and strangers (hello). Do your feelings match the facts? Getting the idea?

    Love and prayers coming your way. God bless.

  120. quinn August 12, 2010 at 12:42 pm #

    you’re not whiny or attention seeking, anyone who thinks that doesn’t understand that you are poorly, and that’s not your fault.

    i’m sorry you feel so terribly low, i remember coming out of hospital for my anorexia and everything felt more frightening than before. i can relate to how you feel, similar thoughts and such.

    all i can say is that there are people out there who love and care about and who want to help. it can get better, many of the folking walking past you on the street will be proof of that.

    if you can, ask for more help and if you can’t, well, please just don’t give up hope. thinking of you, love and hugs x xx

  121. Courtney August 12, 2010 at 12:46 pm #

    Hey Bria,

    Like you, I’ve suffered from severe depression and anxiety, and OCD to boot. I agree with above commenters who recommend getting your medicine checked out- its taken me two years to get to the point where my medicine has put me at the place where I feel normal. I too went through a time where it felt like all my emotions were curled up in me, and couldn’t come out- my therapist helped, but so did giving myself the time and the space to heal. Stay strong, and know there are too many people who love and care for you to let you go.

  122. PDSjr August 12, 2010 at 12:47 pm #

    Saying a prayer for you right this minute. You are loved!!!

  123. Kristen August 12, 2010 at 12:49 pm #

    I can’t even began to say I know what you are going through because I firmly believe that without walking in another person’s shoes, there really isn’t any way of knowing how you feel. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t empathize with you! My husband deals with depression and anxiety so I do have a little understanding of how tough it is to feel so useless and worthless regardless of all those “good” things in your life that people will point out.

    Just know that my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you and I am hopeful that you will get to a place where you can find happiness and peace in your life. Just remember that there are good times and bad times, and although you are currently in a very bad time – a good time is surely on its way to you! Hang in there and keep making the world a more beautiful place by being in it and by sharing your honest feelings!

    (((HUGS)))

  124. Max August 12, 2010 at 12:54 pm #

    Well, on the bright side, if you’re where you started, then all you need to do is start over.
    Might sound silly, but, living is worth the effort, right? =)

    Look at yourself. Look how strong, determined woman you are. You chose the hard choice: to admit that you’re not ok, and you did’nt find the way to solve it on your own.
    this is the hardest part. The aprt where you feel that effort is not working. But all you have to do is try, just a little longer.

    You’ll see. It’ll turn out right.
    You can do it.

  125. Nikki T August 12, 2010 at 12:54 pm #

    Bria,
    Although we are strangers, I wanted you to know that your life is worth it…YOU are worth it!
    If people think you are seeking attention, then they may not understand that it takes a STRONG and COURAGEOUS person to reach out to others, to cry out for help and encouragement- everyone needs someone and everyone needs encouragement sometimes.

    Someone is thinking of you, someone loves you, someone needs you. YOU are a wonderful person and you deserve to live, to love, to feel.
    http://www.operationbeautiful.com

  126. Emily August 12, 2010 at 12:58 pm #

    You are loved, and it’s hard being in debt… but you’ll make it out okay. Email that Suze Orman lady. Might help. 😛
    It’s harder being in depression, but you can make it through that too. I believe in you, we all do.

  127. Connie August 12, 2010 at 12:59 pm #

    Dear Bria,

    I feel for you and I understand your troubles, even though I haven’t even gone to college yet. Don’t worry. If you try hard enough, there will ALWAYS be a way to accomplish your goals. And you have loving friends around you who want you to stay with them.

    Things will get better. I promise.

    Love,
    Connie

  128. Lillian Chang August 12, 2010 at 1:01 pm #

    Bria – You have such courage to share these thoughts with all of us. You have courage. That’s already something incredible…so many people lack that. Don’t give up. Be brave. Find the beauty in your life. It’s so much easier to say, I know, but Bria, you have so much to offer to the world. We are all here to support you. I’m sending all the good thoughts out to you – I hope everyone’s comments here will help carry you through to a better time.
    xo.

  129. Aphre August 12, 2010 at 1:06 pm #

    Bria, I want you to know that I understand exactly how you feel. I also went to the doctors for help with my mental problems, and I guess I expected that, after going through all that and taking all the pills like a good girl, that things would improve, however slowly. It was a real blow for me when I realised that the medication can only help with the physical symptoms, and that my life was what was making me miserable.

    When I feel this way, I make a list of things I feel are contributing to the way I feel. Then I separate them into two lists: things I have control over and things I don’t. Then I take the list of things I don’t, and throw it away. Get the list of things that make you unhappy, like your job, and work out a long term plan to change them. I know you can’t just quit the job you hate, but you can start looking for another. Look for jobs that have learning opportunities – some employers will actually pay you to go to school and do relevant courses.

    Please, please, see a therapist. Medication can only do so much, but a therapist will be able to help you to work through how you FEEL. I know you are worried about the cost, but you can’t put a price on you being alive and happy and having a future.

    I know that we’re strangers, but I suffer from bipolar disorder and I COMPLETELY relate to you. My blog is here, if you ever need to talk:

    http://lightning-shy.livejournal.com/

  130. Marla Rae August 12, 2010 at 1:08 pm #

    I know exactly how you feel. I have been there. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety for many years. I tried a million medicines and it only seemed to make things worse and I was very suicidal, even hurting myself. After a blood test, I found out that I was vitamin D deficient. I started taking supplements immediately and within a few days all of my depression was gone. It was like someone had flipped a switch inside me. I don’t know if you have had any blood work done, but it is worth checking out! And if you ever want or need to talk or vent or anything, you can email me anytime! I know how lonely it can make you feel! Sending hugs your way!
    : )
    *Marla*

  131. Amy August 12, 2010 at 1:10 pm #

    Do not give up, Bria. Take every day as a new chance to heal. Expressing yourself with your wonderful and courageous writing is one great way to do it. You WILL find new hope and light and inspiration around the corner. I have been there, too. I had terrible anxiety and panic attacks for a while, but I deal with them so much better now. I still can get very anxious, but it’s not nearly as bad as it was. It took me a few years to get here. I also have a family history of depression, and have seen the lows and also the truth that it can get better. Sometimes it just takes trying different meds, different strategies, a different doctor – keep trying until you find what works. If being on vacation helped, that’s a sign there IS an answer. Don’t stop looking. And know that are you a precious soul who is loved. You have gifts only you can bring to the world, so please keep sharing them. I send you wishes for peace in your heart, love in your life, and light in every day.

  132. Madeline August 12, 2010 at 1:12 pm #

    Dear Bria,

    You are strong
    You are gorgeous
    You are powerful
    You are loved

    The world is a beautiful place, and in spite of

    debt
    sucky jobs
    depression
    negativity

    I have faith that you’ll pull through

    and be
    stronger
    more gorgeous
    more powerful
    and more loved
    than ever

    Because you deserve to be happy
    and you can be
    and you will be

    When you find yourself feeling particularly unhappy
    try making a conscious choice
    to do something to improve your mood
    if only a little bit

    If you’re not sure what to do
    the Internet is a wonderful resource
    Here are a few of my favorites:

    Read entries on http://www.GivesMeHope.com
    Participate in http://www.OperationBeautiful.com
    Check out http://www.1000AwesomeThings.com
    Browse http://www.HappyNews.com
    Investigate http://www.Happiness-Project.com
    Watch funny/fascinating videos on http://www.Wimp.com

    all small things
    not to “cure” anything
    but to help you rewire your brain a little at a time
    and help you focus on the positive things
    big and small
    that make life beautiful and worth living
    Because they are there if you look for them
    I promise

    You’ll make it out of the maze
    and the sun will be shining when you do

    I send you love and light and hugs
    and wish you all the best

  133. idwsj August 12, 2010 at 1:15 pm #

    Bria, we don’t know what you’re going through. Even those who have had similar experiences can’t understand the exact feelings that you’re feeling. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be there with you.

    People struggle, some much more than others. But regardless of the struggle, what is shared between people is support. The desire for someone who is grappling with the depths of darkness to climb out of the hole and into the hope that lays ahead. And as murky as things can seem at times, if the world can manifest untethered and unadulterated love in the form of simple words like the comments on your blog, you know things can be OK.

  134. Heather M August 12, 2010 at 1:16 pm #

    Bria – can you see how much even strangers love you? We are all routing for you during this tough time. And I personally know where you are right now and how awful a place it is to be. But life is beautiful and it does get better and you WILL make it through this. You have all of us supporting you!! Keep fighting!

    Heather

  135. Louise August 12, 2010 at 1:20 pm #

    Sending a giant, explosive ball of love and joy from LA. We don’t know each other, Bria, but pull through this. You are loved.

  136. Rissa August 12, 2010 at 1:22 pm #

    hang in there love. i’ve been where you’re at, and no matter how bad things get, there is a way to make them better without having to kill yourself. it takes a lot of time and willpower usually, but there is always a way out. i would talk to your dr or shrink or whoever is overseeing your meds and let them know how you’re feeling. sometimes one of the side effects of medication can be suicidal thoughts, so dont feel bad admitting that. i think youre incredibly brave to have checked yourself into treatment, and to be on medication at all. your smart enough to know that something isnt right and that you need to take care of it, and i admire that.

    just hold on. you’ve got what it takes to move past this, but its still gonna time. youve only been at this a few months. keep searching for what you need, and dont give up. ❤

    also, i thought you might like this? in case the link doesn't work, its josh groban "don't give up"

  137. Kristin August 12, 2010 at 1:26 pm #

    Bria,

    I don’t think that this post makes you seem whiny or attention seeking. I think that you are incredibly brave for posting this. I admire you so so much for having the courage to let people know what’s going on. You are so much stronger than you know. I’m incredibly proud of you and happy for you. You’re very amazing.
    But I just wanted to let you know that you are most definitely not hopeless or helpless. There are so many of us here that love you so much, and we’re always here for you. We’re here for you no matter what, no matter how terrible things might be going. We love you and value you. God loves you and thinks that you are amazingly beautiful and wonderful in all of the good things and bad things that are going on in your life. Rest in him.
    You’re strong, beautiful, wonderful, valuable, and completely worthwhile. You can make it. You can do it. Keep strong. We love you and believe in you.

    Lots of love and a huge hug,

    Kristin

  138. Evestar August 12, 2010 at 1:27 pm #

    Don’t give up! Things get better from here, remember, if you never experienced pleasure you would not recognize pain. Pleasure will come back into your life, and this experience will make you appreciate it so much more than before. Trust me, I know.

  139. Heather McClees August 12, 2010 at 1:27 pm #

    Hi Bria,

    As a girl who has struggled with depression my entire life, but clinical depression since 19, I can promise you that you will survive. Life can be so dark, so scary. I recently lost my father and found the depression creeping back up inside of me, years after I had overcome the worst of it. I fight it daily and am surviving, but it may never go away. Wha I can tell you is this life is not the end. We have a God who love us more than we can imagine and who cares that we are hurting. Rely on Him, trust Him, FIGHT. We were not put on this earth to die in fear or live in fear but to live with hope and to live for loving others and following our hearts. Do that daily. Do what makes you smile, whatever that might be- even if its the smallest tiniest, silliest thing. Do it every day. You will survive. Pray hard and dream, even when no one else supports you.

    God Bless,
    Heather McClees

  140. LuAnn August 12, 2010 at 1:28 pm #

    Huge hugs from me!

    You are a vital part of the human family, and we are all standing by you and thinking and praying for you during this time! You can make it! We believe in you!

  141. Haley August 12, 2010 at 1:42 pm #

    You can do it. You can live through this. Life can be difficult, but it is doable. Otherwise it wouldn’t be life. God Bless You.

  142. Perri Gorman August 12, 2010 at 1:51 pm #

    Bria,

    I had panic attacks years ago and have had numerous bouts of depression in my life. This is the first time I have ever written that online, but I hope that it helps you know you are not alone. From my experience, medication alone is not the answer. Find someone to talk to for support to work through why you feel this way. Excercise, everyday, even if it is a walk. It is hard when you feel tired but do it anyway. Check your diet and eat more veggies – lots of them! Omega 3s and vitamin D are great mood boosters too.

    You will get through this. You may not be able to see the way out, and it may take time, but you will get there. The quote that keeps me going in hard times is “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”. Give yourself a gift everyday and think about the things you are grateful for.

    Reach out anytime. 🙂

    Perri @bethebutterfly

  143. E August 12, 2010 at 1:52 pm #

    You are strong, capable, and brave (even if you don’t feel it right now) and you will pull through this. Don’t give up! Sending you so, so, so much hope and love.

  144. Marion August 12, 2010 at 1:54 pm #

    Dearest Bria,

    although my depression was not nearly as bad as yours, I can relate soooo much to the black space of no-way-out engulfing you…

    I want to tell you how similar it was for me after the birth of my daughter when postnatal depression hit me. The thoughts in my head were only negative and I was unable to willfully think positive thoughts. Thus, I also had lots of negative feelings, plus the physical reactions such as panic attacks. It was necessary for me to get meds which “rearranged” my brain, making it possible to have positive thoughts again and thus feel joy again.

    Therefore I repeat what other people said before: Please take the effort and get your meds checked! Seems to me your current meds alleviate the physical symptoms but not the neurological problem in your brain which causes those negative spiral of thoughts.

    I will hold you in my thoughts and heart.

  145. Alex August 12, 2010 at 1:55 pm #

    Bria
    Please don’t give up. I had a friend who also struggled with depression, and I know first hand how it eats up at everything.
    I also know, though, that things can and will get better. So please don’t give up, and please ask for help.
    All my love and thoughts x

  146. Jess August 12, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

    As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, I know how exhausting it seems sometimes.

    But please know that you are not alone, that you are loved, and that you are going to be okay. I promise.

    xo, Jess

  147. Sara at Saving For Someday August 12, 2010 at 2:00 pm #

    Bria,

    It’s easy for all of us to say Don’t Give Up. But know that we’re all here b/c we chose to stop by your blog and offer you a glimmer of hope. We may not know you but we love you. We love you because you are one of us. Your story resonates. It touches us in some way and we are each throwing you a lifeline. Tie them all together and you have one super sturdy rope. A rope not to hurt yourself with But a rope to tether you to the safety of those who love you, to hold you and help you to stay connected.

    I shun regular medicine when it comes to dealing with my anxiety and stress and sadness and depression. If you can find a homeopath, do so immediately. The help your body needs and your mind needs isn’t more drugs, it’s found in nature and can be more helpful than you will ever know.

    You are loved and amazing, there is only one of you. You are the miracle that was granted to earth. You are Bria!

  148. Katie August 12, 2010 at 2:00 pm #

    Hi Bria,

    You’re doing a very courageous, smart, and loving thing for yourself and everyone who cares about you by getting help, so hats off to you for that!

    I actually see your situation from both sides, because I have struggled with and been hospitalized for the same condition, and because five days before Christmas in 2008 I lost a dear friend to suicide.

    It doesn’t matter that I don’t know you– I know that someone loves you very much. Probably a lot of someones, as your blog shows an intelligent, good-hearted young woman with incredible potential. My friend was one of the best souls I will ever have the privilege of knowing and the world is a colder place without her– I have no doubt that you would be missed every bit as much.

    Plainly speaking, I know it just totally sucks and sometimes there’s no getting around the suckitude. Episodes of severe depression and anxiety can certainly feel like they take over your life because they are so awful and debilitating, but (aside from treatment– just for the day-to-day) what helped me and what might help you was just focusing on the fact that this is something that *happens* to me, not who I am. YOU are so much more than your illness, and you are irreplaceable.

    Don’t let it trick you into isolating yourself either– that’s the nature of the beast, but the truth is that if you genuinely reach out for help and ask the people in your life to be there for you as you work toward recovery, your true friends aren’t going to abandon you. All of these posts are happening because someone thinks so well of you, and a pack of strangers took a look at what you have to say and agreed!

    And this is just my experience, but it got easier as I got older. The early twenties nearly killed me, but at only 28 I’m in a really good place. I hope I’ll see you there.

    Very best wishes,

    ~Katie

  149. Playing Out Time August 12, 2010 at 2:02 pm #

    Bria,

    It takes a lot of strength to share something so personal. I am proud of you for sharing and reaching out. You are loved and important! You are in my thoughts and hope that you find something today that puts a smile on your face.

    Lisa

  150. Melissa August 12, 2010 at 2:02 pm #

    Bria-
    I will pray for you. I hope all the words and encouragement you are reading help in seeing that you are not alone. You are a beautiful person that God has a plan for. Look, even today you are making a big impact on this world in a positive way and you didn’t even know it. Keep your head up and know there are people out there that are praying for you!

  151. losingomentum August 12, 2010 at 2:03 pm #

    Hi Bria, I am Christi; a 25 year old Credit Counsellor who works for a non-profit organization who also suffers from anxiety. I was so touched by this post you wrote. I would be honoured to give you some tips and advice on being a 22 year old with what you say is a lot of debt, and no, I don’t charge anything :P. I am doing this outside of work anyways, I just want to share my knowledge with you.

    To start, you need to treat your doctor/therapist appointments as prescriptions that are non-negotiable when it comes to your budget. Think of it like paying rent. The top four things your money needs to go towards BEFORE ANY DEBT is your home, your food, your transportation, and your health. I know budgeting isn’t sexy, but if you want to go through one with me, (maybe over MSN or email?) I would love to help. I wish someone did the same when I was 22 and had $15000 of debt. We can go through your income, your debts, and where your money goes every month and then go over all options you have available to you. I won’t be able to tell you the company I work for because this is outside of work and just girl to girl, but in return I won’t ask for your personal information, only dollar figures. Seriously, I would LOVE to help you figure this part of your life out so that it’s not such a huge stressor for you. You can email me at losingomentum@gmail.com. DO NOT BE SHY, I WANT YOU TO EMAIL ME!

    As for your meds making you feel like you still want to cry but CAN’T, want to scream but CAN’T, etc.. I went through the same thing. You need to remember that you’ll need to try a few different medications to find the right one for you. There is a right medication out there for you, and not going to Dr appts to find it is going keep you where you are now.

    Keep blogging, it seems to do amazing things for you! Bria, you have a lot of people thinking of you today. The world would be a sadder place without Bria. You’ve helped a lot of people through this post, including me. Thank you.

    Christi

  152. Jess August 12, 2010 at 2:07 pm #

    Also not a doctor, but I would encourage you to get your meds checked.

    Aside from that, I have felt the way you feel. In time, it passed. The emotions shifted, moved, and I was able to move forward again. In the meantime, just take each day at a time and know that this, like everything, is temporary and will pass.

  153. Alison A. August 12, 2010 at 2:19 pm #

    Things are tough for you now, but like many of the people above me have said, you are loved. Take that knowledge and use it as your strength. Believe in yourself because so many people believe in you already. You’ve been fighting a very hard fight, and to see you pull through this far, even as you struggle, is a testament to your strength.

  154. C August 12, 2010 at 2:23 pm #

    Hi Bria, lots of hugs and positive thoughts coming to you! I hope you continue to write here or in a journal if it helps you to express yourself.

    *hugs*

  155. steph anne August 12, 2010 at 2:27 pm #

    I may not understand what you’re going through but just wanted to let you know we all are here for you!

  156. Ben August 12, 2010 at 2:32 pm #

    I know how you feel.Try to stay happy! Stay strong

  157. Kate August 12, 2010 at 2:39 pm #

    Just the fact that you want to change the way you live your life, want to get help and fight, even when your heart barely feels in it, is proof that there is hope. You are stronger than you feel, braver than you even know. Just take each day one at a time, and remember that it’s okay to feel helpless, to surrender to the feeling of being overwhelmed. It’s not your responsibility to always be trying your hardest, nor is it your duty to have things under control or know all the answers. There is nothing remotely whiny about expressing what you have every god-given entitlement to express- rather, it’s about damn time somebody listened, gave you a shoulder to lean on, and let you take a rest from trying to hold yourself together. Even the most powerful among us feel weak sometimes. Whether you believe it or not, every day that you have mustered the will to get through and fight back the darkness as best as you can is a triumph, for which you deserve to be proud. You’ve been working hard, and more than anyone you are owed the support you need.

  158. Amy August 12, 2010 at 2:40 pm #

    I found a link to your blog from a blogger friend Prone to Wander. I want you to know that I am a complete stranger that cares if you live or die. Why? Because I know that life has it’s overwhelming crap, but I also know that it can be beautiful. I really hope with all my heart that you will be able to be as overwhelmed with that someday 10,000 times more than you are overwhelmed with the crap right now. My heart is breaking for you. I hate cliche crap, but it really is. I hate that anyone be in the place you are right now. Sending you love, and letting you know that you have a whole slew of bloggers that care about you… strangers that we are, we care that you are going through this and we want to see you enjoying your life and overcoming all of this. Stay strong and hang in there. BIG BLOG HUG from this blogger!

  159. Kimberley August 12, 2010 at 2:41 pm #

    Bria, I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been there too and gone through the same things.

    I am thinking of you and sending all my positive and healing thoughts to you.

    Love Kimberley

  160. whitney August 12, 2010 at 2:41 pm #

    Bria,

    Keep pouring your heart out with your words. It will keep you sane & hopeful. It’s not whining, so don’t let anyone let you feel otherwise. Your feelings are valid & deserve to be expressed and heard.

    Just keep breathing right now. There are dozens and dozens of comments already on this blog from people who have experienced similar agony, apathy, and anxiety. I’m no exception. I know it’s somewhat impossible to imagine a world where you feel better, but please, believe our words when we say – your life WILL get better. There is so much ahead of you. If you can just keep breathing – in and out, one moment at a time – you’re going to get there. Please know that while all of our hurts are different, you’re not alone. You’re loved and valued. There are people who don’t even know you who are moved by your honesty and your desire to overcome. Again, I’m no exception.

    I have no idea what faith you have, or if you have any at all, but for me – God was the only way I got through the darkest times in my life. It helped me to read the pleas and cries for help from David and Micah in the Bible, and to see that even in their depths of despair, their faith gave them hope and got them through.

    Some of the chapters/verses that helped me/that I could relate to were:

    Psalm 6
    Psalm 13
    Psalm 22 (favorite)
    Micah 7:7&8

    I hope their words can bring you comfort. As soon as I hit “submit comment,” I’m going to pray for you. I hope peace and healing find you soon.

  161. Jared August 12, 2010 at 2:44 pm #

    Hey Bria,

    Know that you are loved, at all times, in all walks of life. Psalm 18:2-3

    I said a prayer for you today.

  162. Christine Hansen August 12, 2010 at 3:01 pm #

    Bria-Sweetie, DO NOT GIVE UP!!!

    I have battled depression and anxiety all of my life, and have been where you are right now – feeling like I don’t deserve to live, feeling like there is no way out, feeling like things will never get better.

    What I can tell you is that things DO get better, especially if you can spend a little time every day doing something that makes you happy. I highly encourage any or all of the following:
    gardening – even if it’s just planting a few seeds – you’ll want to see them pop up out of the earth and grow!
    taking a walk in a lovely location
    enjoying a very nice cup of tea and your favorite cookie
    doing something secretly nice for someone else (like leaving a little treasure for someone to find)
    doing something creative, like drawing (have you tried zentangles yet?), painting, playing with Play-Doh, or singing in the shower

    Bria, you have to make yourself do these things – at first, it’ll seem forced and uncomfortable, but once you get used to it, you’ll be able to look forward to your next “Bria Time.”

    I strongly encourage you to get your meds checked immediately. I also encourage you to journal your thoughts – have you heard of Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way? It’s a great place to start re-connecting with yourself.

    I am sending white light and love your way, dear Bria, that you will feel better fast!

    xoxo,
    Chris

  163. Ty Sullivan August 12, 2010 at 3:03 pm #

    Dear Bria,
    Wow…OK, I’m going to pretend to know what your going through or the level at which you are but I am going to say that you are not alone!
    You know that.
    You know this can be beaten down.
    You know you can come out ahead of this.
    You just have to believe.
    As you can see by this HUGE turn out of people that don’t know you and from those who have been down your road have come out with tremendous results.

    My heart hurts when I read of someone as young as you coping with this. As a father of a 2 year old daughter who’s mother deals with periodic episodes of depression I can say I hope that she is spared of the feeling you have and that someone like you will one day reach out to her to help her should she need it.

    You are in my thoughts. I send bountiful amounts of love and strength your way and I believe in you and that you will come out of this STRONG!

    Much Love and Peace,
    Ty Sullivan

  164. lil miss butterbean August 12, 2010 at 3:06 pm #

    Bria,

    I have been where you are, and I promise you, it does get better. You will fall a few times, and feel like you just can’t keep going, but I know you have it in you to keep fighting. I cannot count the times I felt that there was nothing left, only to find something worth holding on to. Go back to the doctor and have your medication checked. Your body goes through changes and sometimes medications that you’re taking don’t fit anymore. Someone, somewhere needs you in their life, it may even be one of your readers. Please hang on and seek help again, I promise you, it will be worth it in the end.

  165. Allison August 12, 2010 at 3:10 pm #

    I am praying for you, Bria.

  166. Kristy August 12, 2010 at 3:16 pm #

    First of all, good job checking yourself in to the hospital. I’m so sorry you’re still struggling. I’ll echo a lot of the previous comments and urge you to get your meds checked.

    Please hang on. Thing will get better.

  167. SK August 12, 2010 at 3:22 pm #

    Bria,

    I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there, too. Please just remember that you are loved, and there is a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. I’ll keep you in my thoughts!

    SK

  168. Sarah August 12, 2010 at 3:24 pm #

    Bria, life is wonderful. I know you are strong enough to get through this. Smile!!

    <3,
    Sarah

  169. LINDA PIEKKOLA August 12, 2010 at 3:32 pm #

    Hey Bria, Please don’t give up, there really is something out there for you. Just take each day as it comes. And most important, know that you are truly loved and you have a purpose in this world, you may know what it is right now, but you will find when your not expecting to. My daughter was a bit younger than you when she went through what your going through now. And no, it’s not easy, but you can do it. She did, and is expecting her first baby in Dec. If you need to talk email me back and I’ll give you my phone #, cause you can call 24/7. I’ll sing happy songs to make you smile.
    BIGGET HUG AND LOTS OF LOVE
    Linda

  170. Casey August 12, 2010 at 3:39 pm #

    Dear Bria,

    I am glad you have shared your feelings with the online community. You write very well and have expressed your feelings nicely. Simply knowing that you can do that is a great step toward feeling better, being able to express yourself.

    For one thing, don’t bother to stress too much over your debt. If you need to talk to someone just do it. It is more important to take care of your essential health and worry about that later. Also, i encourage you to reach out more in your community to look for free or low cost solutions. For example, an organization like this, but in your area: http://www.qualitybehavioralhealth.com/

    Other than that,forcing yourself to remember the positive things no matter how silly or hard it is is key, and remembering always that it WILL get better. I enjoyed reading your post and I hear you! As humans, we can get through anything!

    Sincerely, Casey

  171. Hannah M August 12, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

    I don’t know you personally, and I have been lucky enough that I have never been where you are. But I do know that you are strong and brave for being able to talk about your feelings like this,you are beautiful andthat there are so many people out there who love you. Please keep hanging on
    Thinking of you

  172. Anonymous August 12, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

    Bria-

    I too have had struggles with depression. Medication really is an amazing thing, but it sounds like yours isn’t working for you. you need to get this checked. You will feel so much better. Depression is a sickness, it’s not your fault. Remember those who love you and those you love. Thoughts & prayers coming your way.
    Much love.

  173. jacklyn August 12, 2010 at 4:07 pm #

    Hi dear I am praying for you and thinking of you. I also have severe depression and anxiety attacks I am much better now butif you want to talk to someone a friend email me jvkrol@comcast.net I also had the same thing about suicide I couldnt do it Im now glad I didnt but I promise things will get better. I am praying for you and I think you will get better soon! 🙂

  174. GladtobeAnonymous August 12, 2010 at 4:08 pm #

    Bria, while I could never say that I can emphasise, I can sympathise, and I would like to believe I have an idea of how you feel. I want you to know that you getting through this is so important, because if I ever feel as bad as you have, I will want to know that you got through it and that means I can too.
    I wish that you will find the strength to do whatever you think is right, for you. Don’t do anything unless you believe it will help you.
    And lastly, don’t be sad 😦 Look at all the people who care 🙂 You can do this.

  175. Laura August 12, 2010 at 4:12 pm #

    hang in there!!!

  176. anonymous August 12, 2010 at 4:26 pm #

    Bria, I just want to let you know that you are dearly loved and though it may not seem like it things will get better. Just know that there are so many people praying for you including me.

  177. Rebecca August 12, 2010 at 4:27 pm #

    Keep your chin up, you are obviously an incredibly strong person. You may not believe it or see it but it’s true, and even a stranger like me can see it.
    Don’t give up because you could be a lot of things in the end and right now there are people who love you and don’t want to lose you for all it’s worth.

    xx

  178. Holly August 12, 2010 at 4:36 pm #

    Dear Bria,

    Keep pushing through; accept that you will have setbacks. It’s okay if you have days where you still feel the struggle. Tell yourself out loud “Today I feel crapy again, and I may not like it, but the fact that I feel this way is okay”. Sometimes fighting the bad feelings because you think you “shouldn’t” feel this way brings on more feelings of anxiety. Deliberately and INTENTIONALLY, speak words of kindness to yourself as if you were talking to a dear friend. Your friends and family know you to be a strong and caring person, you need to get to know yourself the same way 🙂

    Welcome to the world of Bria, the most amazing, joy filled, life loving person around. She’s there, I know it.

    In love

  179. Christy August 12, 2010 at 4:36 pm #

    Hey~ I just wanted to let you know that I previously suffered from clinical depression and only started to have suicidal thoughts after being put on medication. Maybe you should see someone about your meds. I know it sounds cheesy, but the first thing that commercials say in their warnings about anxiety medications, is that if you start to have suicidal thoughts or tendencies, you should immediately see a doctor.

    Hang in there!

  180. Terri August 12, 2010 at 4:40 pm #

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. Depression is a very hard disease to control, either medicated or not.

    Please know that there are people that love you and want you to be well.

    You are a strong woman, you know that you need help. You showed that when you checked yourself in the hospital. PLEASE stay strong and know that even though many of us don’t know you, we are praying for you

  181. Amanda August 12, 2010 at 4:41 pm #

    Bria,
    you are in my prays and thoughts.

  182. Allison Blass August 12, 2010 at 4:43 pm #

    Sending you an enormous hug and lots of happy thoughts. I have never been in clinical depression, but I have been depressed and I feel for you. I hope that you find the peace that you seek and I hope that you choose to find it through life.

  183. anwyn August 12, 2010 at 4:45 pm #

    Bria,

    I’m not sure I can offer insight or help in anyway. Just know that you are interconnected with everyone and everything else on the planet. We value you. I will think positive thoughts and hope for healing. Love sent even from a stranger is a reflection of who you are.

  184. anonymous August 12, 2010 at 4:47 pm #

    dont give up. we’re all here to help you and we dont want you to give in to the tide. hang in there, there are so many people who are in the same situation as you and who have gotten back on track.

  185. heidi August 12, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

    bria,

    three years ago i was a total mess – i dropped out of school for no real reason, lied to my parents for two years that I was still in school, was broke, unemployed, lonely, dealing with a mother suffering from bipolar disorder, and I was suicidal. I felt like a complete failure who had made an irretrievable mess of her life. All around me, my old high school friends were getting on with their lives, had boyfriends and degrees and careers, and I felt like I was just incapable of living life.

    I started seeing a great therapist, who changed my meds and more importantly was great to talk to. I started volunteering with charity and tutoring refugee kids. I got honest with myself and people around me and began taking baby steps towards a new life. Three years on I am studying at a prestigious university, happy, confident and blissfully in love – something I never thought would happen for me.

    Bria, I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is just one phase of your life. It doesn’t define you or your life. I know it is easy for me to sat now that I’m on the other side, but this is all part of the tumult of growing up. There is so much more ahead of you that you can’t even imagine yet. I’ll NEVER forget what a dark, hopeless, desperate time that was and my heart really goes out to you being in the middle of it right now. But please know that it is just a part of your journey.

    Please look after yourself girl. I’m thinking of you. You’re going to be fine

    Lots of love,

    Heidi

  186. mike August 12, 2010 at 4:52 pm #

    Hey Bria, I just want you to know that no matter what you are going through or what problems you may have, God is bigger than all of them. Give your problems to God, talk to Him and He will take care of you :).
    “I give it all to you, I offer up my soul, its already over”
    -“Already Over” by Red

    “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
    -John 16:33

  187. Cloe August 12, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

    Don’t give up, Bria! You are sooooo loved 🙂

  188. Kate August 12, 2010 at 5:00 pm #

    Bria,
    I can not say that i know what it feels like to go through depression. But i know how it feels to be affected by someone who has gone through it. You are loved by many people. Please don’t give up. You are incredibly unique and deserve to live happily.

    How can there be light without dark? good without the bad? to be able to experience the goodness, we have to be put through bad times for a comparison. Don’t give up. I’m praying for you.

    “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

    Lots of love.

  189. Sophia August 12, 2010 at 5:17 pm #

    Bria,

    Please don’t give up. It sounds to me like you haven’t yet shared your gift with the world. Each of us has one and I just know that your life has a purpose greater than what you have known so far. I hope deep down you know this and will take each moment to get yourself a little closer to sharing whatever it is with whoever it is that needs it.

    I don’t know what your gift is, maybe today you don’t either but can you give up the possibility that tomorrow you just might?

    Your future is full of many many potentials and depression and anxiety is one potential but so is wholeness, wellness, healing, love, and happiness.

    Best wishes Dearheart,,,,you are loved.

    Sophia

  190. Patty - Why Not Start Now? August 12, 2010 at 5:22 pm #

    Bria, yes, you are loved, and somewhere deep inside you love yourself, even though you may not believe it right now. Please find someone to talk to. And make a commitment to go there regularly for as long as it takes. If you can’t afford to see your therapist right now, ask her if she has pro bono sessions available. If she can’t work with you, ask her to recommend someone else. There are services out there for you, and people who will help at little or no charge. Universities and colleges often offer free/low cost counseling with students who are in training. And they’re good! Caring and committed. They want to help and are supervised by professionals. All the things you mention – the job you hate, the debt, not being in school, feeling unsuccessful – there is a way through, even though you can’t see it right now. But believe me, the way through is much easier with a guide, a supporter, a helping hand. So walk towards it. And btw, meds are important, but they are only part of the picture.

  191. Nyx August 12, 2010 at 5:29 pm #

    You aren’t whiny – just stating how you feel.

    I kind of know where you’re at. I struggled with depression many years ago (and yes, it was of the suicidal variety), and I still battle it from time to time now. It’s a vicious dark dank hole, and you’re going to have to claw and scrabble your way out.

    But, it can be done.

    You have a future hon. And guess what? It’s all sorts of bright and shiny.

  192. Nicole August 12, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

    God loves you and He will get you through this. Hang in there… and don’t give up. You are loved!

  193. Mathilde August 12, 2010 at 5:32 pm #

    I am sorry to see how low you’re feeling right now. Life is a bitch and brings a lot of bad things but there are so many beautiful things worth living for. Don’t ever let anybody tell you to stop whining, if writing helps you, do it, overdo it even. Fighting depression is hard, but possible. Surround yourself with people who care, try to find something that soothe you (i plant seeds of all i eat and watch them grow), sleep all you need without guilt, eat a lot of fruits (great for the energy) and one day soon, you’ll see the end of the tunnel. I promise. In the meanwhile, i’ll send some hugs your way and hope you’ll find the will to smile again 🙂

  194. James August 12, 2010 at 5:39 pm #

    Hey Bria,

    Beautiful name. 🙂 I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this dark time but have faith that you will pull through this. Remember to focus on all your blessings, you have a community of people who care about you and want you to feel better and find peace within yourself. Continue to share and express your thoughts, keep writing! You are an intelligent, articulate woman, that’s very clear. With every negative thought, focus on saying something positive. You’ll get through this. You are loved.

    James

  195. Megan August 12, 2010 at 5:42 pm #

    Bria,
    You are beautiful and special and deeply loved. There is no one on this planet like you and the world NEEDS you with all your gifts and talents to make it a beautiful place. Don’t give up, you can do this. You deserve to be happy.
    -Megan

  196. Yesenia August 12, 2010 at 5:45 pm #

    Bria,I feel for you. I understand the difficult struggles that you have and are going through. I wish for you the best. Do not give up, the brighter light is yet to come and shine onto you. I have no doubt that with your strength you will be able to make it through, and be all the better because of it. You are incredibly strong and i admire you for that. My deepest love is sent out to you.

  197. Sean Darcy August 12, 2010 at 5:47 pm #

    Bria-

    You are loved so much more than you’ll ever understand. You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are a princess. Please hang in there, and I promise that your life will have a profound effect on others. Grace, and peace.

  198. Joshtyn August 12, 2010 at 5:49 pm #

    Oh Bria, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You must be strong, you can be strong and you will get through this. This too shall pass. Much love, Josh

  199. lauren schmidt August 12, 2010 at 6:15 pm #

    You are not alone! Never give up! You are amazing!

  200. Katie August 12, 2010 at 6:21 pm #

    Hey Babygirl, I am praying for you and, though I don’t know you, I love you. You can and will get through this…but just remember even if you can’t find any strength, there is ALWAYS strength in the arms of Jesus Christ. When you feel like you have nothing left, he always pulls through for you. You CAN lean on him.

  201. Anonymous August 12, 2010 at 6:23 pm #

    Bria, you are loved more than you know. I am so sorry that you are struggling right now, but I pray that things start to look up for you again. Life is worth living, and you are valuable!!

  202. Cora.Bird. August 12, 2010 at 6:26 pm #

    Hello Bria, It’s time like these that we call on our friends the most. Remember that you are not alone, even in a dark corner, there is light in your life. I continue to struggle with the same thoughts and emotions that you mention and sometimes phone calls and many tears are the only thing that get me thru. It’s ok to feel what you’re feeling but it’s not ok to give up. I live by the motto that any day I wake up is a good day because I can bring a smile to someone else’s face which helps! Be well.

  203. Schakett6 August 12, 2010 at 6:27 pm #

    Bria,
    I may not know exactly what you are going through but I struggle with depression and anxiety also, like you, and so many others. Know that no matter what goes on, your life matters! You were put on this Earth to serve a purpose! Find something or someone positive to focus on and hold on to it! Find one good thing in each day and let that be your rock for that day! Do not focus on the tomorrow or the next week but focus on what you cam control Today! Know that hundreds of strangers are lifting you up in prayer and in thought and have been touched by YOU today! Xoxoxo

  204. angharad August 12, 2010 at 6:29 pm #

    I am sorry you are going through such a hard time at the moment Bria.Just know that others have been through what you are going through, and those who don’t give up have made it out the other side.

    Don’t forget:
    wherever there are shadows, there must also be a light.

  205. lauren nicole August 12, 2010 at 6:30 pm #

    bria,

    my heart aches for you; depression is a struggle, no matter what degree. but there is a light at the end of the tunnell, of course, because there are so many people with love and compassion for you. and they truly do, not just saying it to be nice. which, is hard to know or believe, i’ve been there too many times, but know when i say we all love and care for you. my heart and soul go out to you for your struggle and situation; i hope depression leaves your life very soon, because he is a wretched character and brings so many things to your attention that don’t even matter or make sense. ignore his lies and untrusting ways, you’re a stong, wonderful young woman and depression does not own you no matter how much it can seem to have a hold on your life. know that there’s so much love and light out there, in life, in the world and in people. bria, you will bring so much to the world because you are a bright and beautiful person. remember: you are loved. always. ❤ ❤

    – L

  206. Eileen August 12, 2010 at 6:31 pm #

    You are not alone. A lot of people care about you and want you to feel better. Please get your meds reevaluated. There must be a better solution for what you are going though and you deserve an answer and working solution. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

  207. Elbiddulph August 12, 2010 at 6:33 pm #

    We don’t know each other, but your story reminds me that there are so many people we come across every day who are suffering, for one reason or another. And many of them need us to simply love them.

    Know that so many people care about YOU. I hope you continue to work with your doctors and whatever support system you have available to you. Each day, I hope you feel a little stronger and a see the world a little brighter.

  208. Megan August 12, 2010 at 6:48 pm #

    The world would be a less beautiful place without you in it.

  209. Matthew Carpenter August 12, 2010 at 7:10 pm #

    Walt Whitman struggled with depression and ultimately conquered it, living until he was nearly 73…no small feat in the late 1800s. At at the apex of his depression, he wrote the original edition of “Leaves of Grass”. It contains the poem called ‘Walt Whitman’, and the entire poem would be a relevant read, but it’s far too long to post here. Instead, I’ll just share a part of a verse that addresses his changed worldview –

    “And I know I am solid and sound;
    To me the converging objects of the universe perpetually flow;
    All are written to me, and I must get what the writing means.

    I know I am deathless;
    I know this orbit of mine cannot be swept by the carpenter’s compass;
    I know I shall not pass like a child’s carlacue cut with a burnt stick at
    night.

    I know I am august;
    I do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood;
    I see that the elementary laws never apologize;
    (I reckon I behave no prouder than the level I plant my house by, after all.)

    I exist as I am—that is enough;
    If no other in the world be aware, I sit content;
    And if each and all be aware, I sit content.

    One world is aware, and by far the largest to me, and that is myself;
    And whether I come to my own to-day, or in ten thousand or ten million years,
    I can cheerfully take it now, or with equal cheerfulness I can wait.

    My foothold is tenon’d and mortis’d in granite;
    I laugh at what you call dissolution;
    And I know the amplitude of time.”

  210. Scott August 12, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

    Bria,

    Seek help when you need it. Lean on friends when you need them. Life won’t always feel bad. You’ve got a lot of life to live yet.

  211. Lori August 12, 2010 at 7:29 pm #

    Bria,

    Never, Never, Never give up. You are too precious.
    I hope you have someone you can talk to about your feelings, that is able to help you sort things out and feel better. You are such a treasure. You are so dearly loved and cherished. Don’t hesitate to call on friends and family for help. Love you so much and will pray for you.

  212. Lauren August 12, 2010 at 7:40 pm #

    Praying for you and your health. Never think that you’re being whiney. Those thoughts and feelings are strong and real, but I know you can be stronger and overcome them. You’re amazing and your life is so important. Know that you’re loved by so many. Stay strong. Love.

  213. jess August 12, 2010 at 7:42 pm #

    dear bri,

    i too have been feeling this way lately and i hope you can also see the beautiful grace of our god. i don’t want to get all preachy on you. i’m just saying…every day that we wake up is a gift and we can’t take it for granted or be ungrateful. you are a very pretty girl from what i see and i hope you are being loved by your friends and family. everytime u feel down and feel like there is no way out of that way of thinking….pick up the good book. i promise to you….i swear that it’ll speak to you in more than one way. just turn to a page randomly. any book or verse….start reading and see what it says. this still happens to me now. i hope this helps. and i’ll pray for you and your well being.

    -jess

  214. Vienn Peridot August 12, 2010 at 7:44 pm #

    NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP!
    I’m in the same place right now, and while it does go up and down I can tell you it IS worth it to stick around. You are NOT alone, it DOES get better. You CAN make it through and beat the demons inside.
    You can get this shit out so it no longer festers inside. Write it out, draw it out, dance it out, scream it out (Into a pillow or a cat’s tummy. The latter elicits amusing facial expressions from the cat!)
    Take a ‘you’ day, a day off from everything. Watch your favourite movie, slum around in your PJs, put the world on hold and pamper yourself. Invest in yourself because you are WORTH IT. SCREW what other people think!
    Don’t quit now. Don’t let it beat you. You’re stronger than that!
    “I don’t know when, but I know now; Together we’ll make it through somehow.”
    I love you, don’t give in!

  215. Gert August 12, 2010 at 7:52 pm #

    Hey Bria. Your story resonates with me. I’m so impressed with the way you can put your feelings into words. That’s a very powerful gift! It helps you to organise your thoughts, and it helps you to tell your story. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed of the things you feel. You are *not* alone and you are very brave to put your thoughts out there.

    I am so impressed with your ability to analyse your thoughts and your awareness of the imbalance in your mind. You should be very proud of being able to reach out and ask for the things you need. I can see you’re overwhelmed by all the things that bother you: a job you hate, financial stress and a mind that doesn’t always cooperate. Of course they add to your feeling of being unsuccessful. But you don’t have to fix everything in one go.

    The fact that you sought help and that you’re writing down your thoughts is a BIG step towards climbing out of that hole. Your situation is unique of course, but I emphatise with your feelings, having been in a big dark hole of depression myself. It was a long struggle to climb out, and I could not do it alone. My biggest victory was reaching out for help. And now years later, I have the strength (and my therapist’s blessing) to cut down on medication.

    About meds: your mind is incredibly complex, and the best neuroscientists and psychiatrists don’t fully understand all the complex ways in which medicines affect it. It’s possible that your meds could need a little tweaking, so that’s something to discuss with your therapist. Also, meds can help you to give you a little more peace, a little more energy, a little nudge in the right direction. They help you see things in a different light, but they don’t solve all your problems. It’s ok to be on meds and *still* feel miserable.

    Your journey will continue, and you’ll go through stormy waters, but you are not alone, and you will find a calmer happier place where you can bask in sunlight.

    Lots of love from me to you.
    xx

  216. taylor August 12, 2010 at 8:16 pm #

    dear bri,

    i want to let you know that you are not alone. i myself have GAD (general anxiety disorder) and panic attacks all the time. i understand the physical and emotional pain of anxiety. i dont know you, but i love you as a sister of God and also as a fellow person with the everyday struggles of anxiety. i will be praying for you and you will be in my thoughts. you will be able to over come this no matter what even if you feel like your the lowest you can get. your an amazing person. anyone who loves with anxiety is, because it is a task to live with every day. but you are amazing and you will be in my prayers.
    love,
    taylor

  217. Maria August 12, 2010 at 8:17 pm #

    Your post reminds me of me at various points in my life. Depression sucks balls. Seriously. A lot of people don’t understand just how hard it is to fight the disease. I will continue to battle it for the rest of my life. You are not alone. You are loved and cared for. You are loved!

  218. Matt Herman August 12, 2010 at 8:25 pm #

    Bria,

    I’ve dealt with some simular problems myself and I know how alone it can feel and how you just want to give up.

    Keep fighting, don’t give up.

    Every day I tell my daughter three things: I love you, you are special, and you are the only you in the universe. My daughter is only 4 months old, so she shouldn’t really understand what I am saying, but she always smile when I say it.

    Bria, you are loved, you are special, and you are the only you in the universe. Keep fighting, the universe has great things in you future, waiting just for you.

    -Matt

  219. Peliroo August 12, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

    Don’t give up sweetheart. You are touching someone’s life somewhere in a beautiful way you can’t imagine. (Hug)

  220. korakaos August 12, 2010 at 8:37 pm #

    Hello there dearie. I know you’ve already got plenty of responses. But I wanted to say something too. I’ve never read your blog before- came across it by accident today. I want you to know that I was in fairly well the exact same place as you once, as depressed as you, and my diary was my only outlet. I will be honest and say there are still days I look at my existence and want to escape it- but I knew that wouldn’t do any good. It would only create more of the same.

    I agree with some others I saw who were recommending that you have your meds checked. The most advanced way to do this is to go get a SPECT scan, which will show exactly how the chemicals in your brain are behaving, and then suggest the best course of action thereafter.

    I also recommend the following which help ANYONE’S chemical composition: Drink enough water, do chanting (oms and the like), sing, listen to Mozart, Vivaldi, or similar artists (even heavy metal, I think), and get plenty of exercise, the best of which imo is doing yoga asanas, because it will stretch and tone every part of your body- bringing your temple and your mind and spirit into perfect union. And you’ll look hot too, and feel super relaxed and able to meet anything. Keep communing to discover more about yourself. Trust yourself- trust love over fear, for there is no love in fear. This will create the magic you’ve been looking for- it did for me.

    Oh, and try cacao nibs! They’re like little pills themselves but they’re chocolate and organic!

    • Tillie August 12, 2010 at 8:48 pm #

      Hello Beautiful girl. Your post just breaks my heart. I have never been depressed, or suffered from the things that you talk about, but, I have had close friends go through the pain and anguish that is brought about by this disease. I know that you can get through this. I know that you have a bright and gorgeous future ahead of you. I know that things get tough and sometimes, its hard to think about the future, but darling, you have one, and its full of the most wonderful things that you can imagine.

      Keep up the fight precious girl! Never give up, and even on the days that it is the most hard, hold your chin up, because people love you! And love, will help you through this. I promise.

      Stay strong my dear. You are amazing, inspiring and, a testament to the fact that we as humans are resilant, brave and capable of anything.

      So much love its unbelievable.
      Tillie xox

  221. Tillie August 12, 2010 at 8:49 pm #

    Hello Beautiful girl. Your post just breaks my heart. I have never been depressed, or suffered from the things that you talk about, but, I have had close friends go through the pain and anguish that is brought about by this disease. I know that you can get through this. I know that you have a bright and gorgeous future ahead of you. I know that things get tough and sometimes, its hard to think about the future, but darling, you have one, and its full of the most wonderful things that you can imagine.

    Keep up the fight precious girl! Never give up, and even on the days that it is the most hard, hold your chin up, because people love you! And love, will help you through this. I promise.

    Stay strong my dear. You are amazing, inspiring and, a testament to the fact that we as humans are resilant, brave and capable of anything.

    So much love its unbelievable.
    Tillie xox

  222. Anonymous August 12, 2010 at 8:54 pm #

    There is always hope. You are loved!

  223. Aimee August 12, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    Bria, you can make it through this. Be strong! You will get better.

  224. Brianna August 12, 2010 at 9:14 pm #

    Bria,
    You are not alone. A few months ago, I was in your situation exactly. I know firsthand how tough it can be. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. It means a lot, and you’re touching a lot of lives. Please keep this community in mind when you have thoughts like this. Remember, we love you!
    <3<3<3 Brianna

  225. Kae August 12, 2010 at 9:22 pm #

    Please hang in there! What’s on the other side, past all of this, is worth it. When you’re feeling so much pain it’s hard to think about the future, but someday you’re going to wake up and realize that you’ve gotten past it. You’re important and you matter. Really.

  226. Maureen August 12, 2010 at 9:28 pm #

    Hey Bria,

    You are not whiny. There’s nothing wrong in letting yourself go, whether it is to somebody or in a blog. This is what I used to think too. I wasn’t diagnosed as being depressed yet but I felt it. I mean, you know when something wrong is going on with you. And you think about dying, all the time.

    You are great and amazing because you dare to admit it. You want to get better. You tried to get better. I don’t. I don’t dare to admit that something was wrong. I don’t dare to get help. You inspire me and probably a lot of other people who are going through the same thing. From the moment you checked yourself into that hospital, you are strong. You just have to continue being that.

    ❤ Maureen

  227. Giacomo August 12, 2010 at 9:48 pm #

    Bria, the first thing I said when I opened up your blog was…wow, what a pretty girl! Why would you be anxious and depressed? Then I remembered where I was in my middle-late 20’s – not far removed from my fighting in Operation Desert Storm with the Marines, fresh off two go-nowhere relationships, and struggling in my career.

    One of my co-workers at Boeing looked at me and laughed at my depression, calling me “The Black Eeyore” from Winnie the Pooh, of course. He never let up, “You’re 24! This is the time of your life!”

    I think I’ll end there…12 years or so later, no more nightmares from my war, no more worrying about what other people think of me, and I’m still here. Bria, you do the SAME!

    May God bless you with the peace that only He can provide, that which surpasses all understanding!

  228. Cora.Bird. August 12, 2010 at 9:50 pm #

    I’ll hold your hand.

  229. Eric August 12, 2010 at 10:02 pm #

    Bria,

    I am praying for you as you persist through this struggle.

    Know that God loves you and nothing you are going through can keep you from God’s love:
    “Be encourage in the truth that you are not alone and that you are loved. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

    Be encouraged that Christ will empower you:
    “You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.” – Philippians 4:13

  230. meg August 12, 2010 at 10:23 pm #

    just gonna say: stay stong. you are beautiful inside and out, and i and hundreds of others know you have the courage and grace to make it through this. keep fighing.
    love, a friend

  231. Susan August 12, 2010 at 10:27 pm #

    Bria,
    Don’t give up. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep fighting and be as strong as you can.

  232. Miss Lissy August 12, 2010 at 10:28 pm #

    Dear, I know it doesn’t feel like this right now, but you will make it through. I believe every word you are saying and I know that somehow, you will pull through this. It may take a day, it may take a 100 days, but you are not alone. I for one am right here with you. I understand wanting to die, but I also know you have so much to live for. You might not see it right now, but someday you will, so don’t give up on today because your someday is coming. And it’s sooner than you think.

    I am here for you.

  233. chantelle August 12, 2010 at 10:33 pm #

    CHIN UP, CHAMP! You can pull through.
    We believe in you, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t believe in yourself. Good luck, and I send you my love! You CAN do it!

  234. Ariel August 12, 2010 at 10:38 pm #

    Hang in there girl! You can make it. You’re pretty, and eloquent, and driven. Keep trying!!!

  235. Mandi James August 12, 2010 at 10:44 pm #

    Bria (Beautiful, Radiant, Intelligent, Affectionate)-I dont even know you, but I bet that is a true description of you. I bet that as I get to know you better, if I ever get the chance, I could go on and on. I know this because a couple years ago I was standing in your shoes, disbelieving that I had any worth (just as you probably are right now). But boy was I wrong! I knew God all my life, but I never fully gave him control of my life, being the perfectionist that I am, so the consequence of that was that I suffered emotionally for years and years. The older I got, the more I accepted my view of myself, my unrealistic standards clashing with my everlasting failures (in my eyes anyhow). A few years ago it all came to a head as I contemplated suicide, toyed with self destruction (in more ways than necessary to describe here in detail), and I basically just began to fall into a spiral, eventually losing my job (a job a hated), my home (now I am stuck apartment hopping until I can dig myself out of the mess), my car (b/c I was in over my head in debt, and still am), many of my friends…the list goes on. I am not telling you this to depress you, but rather to show you two things 1. you are not alone 2. there is incredible HOPE! Why? Because I am IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE NOW! Do I still look in the mirror and feel beautiful every day? no, but most of the time I have the strength to remind myself that I am special and unique. Am I living in a new home, with a new car, out of debt? Hell no! Haha. But I am coping, taking it a day at a time, learning what is TRULY important in life, and most importantly not making the same mistakes as in my past. You can’t change what is done, but you CAN move on and YOU WILL! I think I was about your age when I began my spiral of depression. I had dropped out of college, gone back here and there, but wasn’t sure what I was doing or who I was becoming. I hadn’t ended up where I had planned to be, I hadn’t found a job I love (and I still haven’t, but I won’t give up). I had decided life was too hard, too horrible to go on. If this is how people treated each other, if i was never going to feel worthy, if I was always going to feel hopeless, then why go on? I began to pray to God every night to take my life so that I wouldn’t have to. Thank goodness he didnt; one day I woke up and realized that if my life WAS worthless, he would have answered my prayer already! My HEALING PROCESS: 1. I tried therapists and medications-which caused me to lose too much weight, too much sleep or not enough, mood swings, worse depression, and dependency at times. (I finally got the courage to throw it all away and try something else) 2. I wholeheartedly gave my life to Christ, not just the parts that were convenient (as I had done all my life), but the WHOLE thing. I finally caved and let him have control and it ROCKED MY WORLD! Making these changes was overwhelming at first-I was stuck in depression b/c I knew what my goals were but they seemed too lofty-impossible and I had no idea where to begin. Giving God full control was like a domino effect. I ended up fixing a relationship that turned into a loving marriage, I have a beautiful baby boy who reminds me to smile every day, and I am finally going back to school and searching for a job I will actually be happy with. None of it has come easy and there are still days where I feel hopeless, but on those days I open my Bible (and as cliche as it may sound) it truly gets me through to the next morning so I can start fresh. I am not preaching (for all I know you are closer to God than me), but I am reaching out and sharing from deep within my heart the knowledge that I have to help you heal. Your healing process will be different than mind, but if the foundation is God, the rest will fall into place and you will be amazed. You obviously have a group of people in your life that see how amazing you are and love you dearly, but if you need another, I would love to be there for you b/c I know how painful this experience is for you right now. With tears in my eyes at this very moment, I tell you there IS HOPE and YOU WILL PREVAIL. Add me on facebook.com/mandileighjames, shoot text or call me the next time you feel all alone (email me at mandileighjames@gmail.com and I’ll give you my number). I am not just saying this, I MEAN IT! Use your resources…if people tell you they LOVE you, they mean it! If someone wants to help you, let them. I had a hard time doing that and my journey would have been smoother if I would have left my pride at the door. I am praying for you, lady! I pray you wake up tomorrow morning with HOPE in your heart and a fierce new attitude that you WILL NOT let this take you down!!! ❤ PS If you promise to read it, I have a book I would like to mail to you. (again, just email me your contact info).

  236. Lucy @ lucille in the sky August 12, 2010 at 10:45 pm #

    Oh, Bria. I do not know you, but my heart aches for you. After watching my best friend mourn for her ex-boyfriend who committed suicide recently (and mourning for him myself), I know one thing for sure: more people love you more deeply than you will ever know. You are loved, you are beautiful, you are worth happiness.

    I own an herbal remedy tea company (http://herbalphilosophy.com) and I make a tea called Find Serenity for stress and depression. I would like to send you a (free) tin of Find Serenity if you want to email me with your name and address. I drink it every day. One of my customers is undergoing treatment for breast cancer and she drinks the tea to help with her anxiety. Let me know if you’re interested!

    Best of luck. Sending love and hope across the blogosphere.

  237. Krista August 12, 2010 at 10:48 pm #

    I think alot of us have been EXACTLY where you are. Lost, confused, depressed, nervous, scared, hopeless… It’s an awful, terrible feeling. And although I know that the words I say may not be the answer to your problem, I’m going to say them anyways. Because you deserve to hear them. You deserve to know that you’re strong, and beautiful, and completely worth every moment of every day. You are struggling now. I understand it. I know how it feels when the rain clouds keep following you around and your umbrella is broken and all you see in front of you is a long, wet and broken road. But I’m going to ask you to keep walking down that road. It might sound silly of me to ask you that, because you don’t know me, and you don’t owe me anything. But I think you owe it to yourself. Keep walking, keep moving forward. Get your meds checked (ASAP), talk to people about how you feel, do things that bring joy into your life. Whatever you do, keep walking forward. I think – eventually – the road will get smoother and the rain will go away. It’s going to be a long and hard journey, definitely. But please know that you have hundreds of people (even if we are strangers right now) cheering you on and willing to do anything to help you. Because life is definitely worth living. And you are definitely worth living it. Don’t forget that, my friend.

  238. Amanda August 12, 2010 at 11:18 pm #

    Look how many people love you Bria, and we’ve never even met. We can all tell you have something special to offer the world — you need to believe it too!!

    Life is really really hard sometimes, there is absolutely no doubt about that. I have been right where you are. But please believe me, eventually you will smile again. You will laugh again. And you will be happy again. And you will be SO glad you didn’t give up. Please don’t give up. Please keep fighting.

  239. Emily August 12, 2010 at 11:21 pm #

    You’re not alone, I want you to know that first off. Lots of people deal with things like or simliar to this. I deal with a little depression myself. Just wanting to give up everything, make it go away. It’s not always that easy. But when you have people that care about you, and tell you how much they care makes it a little bit better. I might not know you, but I care. Because I know how hard it is to find someone that cares. G-d always cares, if you haven’t already, then you should reach out to Him. He will always help. Talk to Him, He will be a friend to you when no one else is. I think that talking with Him will help, and one more thing, don’t give up hope. People care about you, even if you don’t know they do.

    G-d Bless
    Emily ❤

  240. Mebediel August 12, 2010 at 11:30 pm #

    Hi, Bria! What a beautiful name.
    You’re so brave just for getting help from others and for sharing it with everyone else.
    I’ll be praying for you. =)

  241. Erin August 12, 2010 at 11:37 pm #

    You are important. You are beautiful. You are loved.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  242. Luke McCusker August 12, 2010 at 11:48 pm #

    You may not even get a chance to read this, but if you do, I want you to know that I care. You don’t know me, but I’ve just read a little bit of your story on this blog, and it matters. It really, really matters. I’ve never been “clinically” depressed, but I’ve felt pretty lost and alone and angry before, and you have to know – you will make it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but if you can just hold out, you will make it. Please don’t give up. Everything could change in a second; you never know what is going to happen. Because life is a story, and all of this pain, all of this ache, all of this suffering is just setting the scene for something even more beautiful than you can imagine – resurrection.

    I would guess that a lot of people try to direct you to God with all your thoughts and feelings. And I’m sure that if you felt like there was even the slightest hope in that, you would have been on that path long ago. And I know that I’m just a random guy telling you something you’ve already heard, but I hope you know – I believe there is an author to this story. Maybe you already know that, but there is a reason this is happening, and there is someone who wants nothing more than to be close to you, and to give you every desire of your heart, and to soothe the ache, and to raise you from the dead. Everything that your heart is crying out for in all of your pain and sadness is everything that the one who created you wants to fulfill. That’s what I’ve come to think is true, based on my own experience. And if you could just believe that too, even if only for a moment, it could change everything.

    Either way, I think it’s very good that you are sharing this story you’re living with those around you. If people call you whiny, or say you’re just looking for attention, they have no idea what they’re talking about. Because sharing this stuff isn’t fun – it’s hard. But it also seems to me like it might be one of the best things you could be doing.

    Don’t stop talking about this stuff with people. And consider, for a moment, the possibility that there is something more than this, and that it might want to heal you as much as you want to be healed, and that maybe all you have to do is ask, for just a moment, and open your heart this one final time, and everything could change. Maybe that’s too much hope all at once to even take seriously. But if you can take it seriously at all, anywhere inside of you, just give it a shot. One chance might be all that’s needed.

    Don’t be afraid to reach out to anything that will bring life.

    If you happen to read this amidst the mass of replies, and you just need someone to talk to, feel free to e-mail me.

    You will make it – hold on tight.

  243. unfoldingyourpathtojoy August 12, 2010 at 11:52 pm #

    Wow..I love the outpouring of support..can you feel that..allow the love and light from others into your heart? I join with all above to say you are loved beyond measure, exactly as you are, exactly where you are..your honesty is to be commended..I cannot imagine what you are feeling, I can only say I send my best to you and that if you take even one bitty step at a time, each step will bring you that much closer to peace..and if you are unable to step, hold the virtual hand of all of us and allow us to guide you to peace..I hear you..I hear your cries..my heart cries with yours..I am sorry for your pain..

  244. Ms. Jenn August 12, 2010 at 11:54 pm #

    I’ve been where you’ve been. The best advice I can give you is this:

    – Don’t stop therapy.
    – Readjust the meds. They’re like the stitches that hold it all together while the inside heals.
    – Look at the last paragraph you wrote. You’re justifying how you feel to everyone, but also to yourself. Your emotions are your own. Don’t think you don’t have the right to express them or to feel that way. It took me years to figure that one out.
    – Baby steps. Focus on the little things you can do. Focus on small things you can do to change where you’re at. This will help the anxiety, but also will help the depression.

    You can e-mail me if you’d like someone to talk to who has been through it.

  245. Vinay August 12, 2010 at 11:56 pm #

    Dear Bria,

    You are a very strong and lovely person…It takes tons of guts to put into words the feelings which are holding your mind at ransom…Girl, you are doing good…Keep writing…find your passion and channel your life for your passion…go dancing, hang out with your best friends,take up yoga, you don’t need meds – you need ‘feel-good’ factors…and there’s plenty of it for all of us.
    This world is a lovely place if you seek it out…you’ve got all it needs to get that lovely happy world for yourself…just go out there and take it…We believe in you!
    With lots of love, prayers and smiles,
    Vinay

  246. erica August 13, 2010 at 12:03 am #

    Hang tough, darlin’ one ❤ We'll be puking rainbows together before you know it. Big hugs.

  247. Sean Stewart August 13, 2010 at 12:13 am #

    I pray that you will rise out of the ashes like a phoenix. You will be stronger than ever before and be an inspiration to many people. I admire your strength to carry on even when you may not want to. Many blessings and prayers.

  248. Charlotte Smith August 13, 2010 at 12:15 am #

    Dear Bria,
    You dear heart……..are loved!! Stay strong and know that things will absolutely get better for you! I am lifting you up in prayer little sister!
    ((((hugs))))
    Charlotte

  249. ally August 13, 2010 at 12:23 am #

    I will be praying for you.
    keep your chin up and know that there are tons of people there for you.
    love,
    ally

  250. Karencilla August 13, 2010 at 12:47 am #

    Hang in there, you are a fighter, an awesome and incredible person. Don’t give up!

    HUGSSS thousands of hugs for you,
    you are in my prayers tonight.

  251. Monica August 13, 2010 at 1:37 am #

    dear bria
    today there are over 200 people giving you there love and keeping you in there hearts. love is hard to see but its there and we, these 200 or so strangers are here. you are an amazing person, never forget that. never feel like you are alone because you aren’t and when you feel so sad just remember we are silently encouraging you to be happy, to overcome this. i’m just kid, a random, i know i will never met you but i hope you survive, never lose faith because i believe that you will be OKAY

  252. Jen August 13, 2010 at 1:38 am #

    you can over come it all and make it through, as daunting as it seems, don’t give up. If writing makes you feel better, keep writing, we’ll be here reading.

    sending love

  253. Winny Hanako August 13, 2010 at 3:01 am #

    Check with your doctor to adjust your medication. At night, take a look at the sky and gaze at the stars. Take in a slow deep breath. Hug yourself and pat yourself on your arms. Focus on each moment. Don’t worry about the past or the future, but do strategize so that at each moment, you are building towards a good future. Take Care Of Yourself. You are going to be okay!! I send you good wishes. Big Hug to you.

  254. Indie.tea August 13, 2010 at 4:09 am #

    I hope that you feel better soon. Just hang in there, the brightest times always follow the darkest.

  255. vini August 13, 2010 at 6:10 am #

    Bria,

    Tough times are passing clouds. And putting up a brave fight without any thought of giving up is the best way to win the battle. Just stick to your medics and bring out the courage and positivity inside your heart.
    We are always there for you, for love, support and understanding, forever.
    My heart-felt love and prayers are with you.

    Best,
    Vini.

  256. Kristen August 13, 2010 at 7:39 am #

    You can only take it one day at a time, write, talk and blog your struggles, this truly helped a friend of mine in her darkest days.

    Hugs

  257. Wendy August 13, 2010 at 8:06 am #

    I too have anxiety and depression, and I’m still trying to get over my horrible panic attacks. The whole thing is so hard, and it makes it even harder that I’m jealous of all my friends who don’t have to deal with this. It’s hard to accurately describe just how terrible it all is, unless you’ve been through it you can’t understand what it’s like. Sometimes it just seems like it would be so much easier to simply give up and stop fighting it. But that’s not true.

    Hang in there and know you’re not alone.

    • Wendy August 13, 2010 at 8:08 am #

      Also I’m here if you ever need to talk, though our experiences may be different, we still belong to the same horrible anxiety club that no one wants to be a part of.

  258. stacy August 13, 2010 at 8:08 am #

    Sweetie, I really feel your pain. I know you don’t necessarily want to hear, “Oh, I know what your’re going through”….you just want help and support. We are here collaboratively to be your strength when you feel you have none left and to offer you support. Reach out to any one of us when you need someone to carry you. Blessings, darling and I’m praying for you! xo

  259. Jenny DeVaughn August 13, 2010 at 8:23 am #

    Bria, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful you are and I love the words you use to describe yourself: Lover, Fighter, Dreamer, Believer. Please know that I don’t know how you truly feel. I’m thinking of you and praying for the best.
    XO-
    Jenny

  260. Becky August 13, 2010 at 8:25 am #

    Like others before me have said – we’re here for you in whatever way we can be!

  261. Jan @ Struck by Serendipity August 13, 2010 at 8:38 am #

    I’m praying for you & hoping that the dark clouds will lift from your thoughts long enough for you to see all that life has to offer. Things do get better. You’re not alone. Hang in there. Be strong. I promise it will be worth it.

    Jan

  262. socarolinesays August 13, 2010 at 8:48 am #

    I too suffer and survive daily. I know how you feel. I live it everyday, just like you do. This blog helped me: http://www.mooshinindy.com. Don’t give up. Please please don’t give up. xx

  263. LK430 August 13, 2010 at 8:57 am #

    Bria,

    As someone who has also struggled with depression/anxiety, I know all too well how difficult it is to get a handle on it all. The most important thing, is to know you are not alone. You are cared about and understood by so many others. Do not give up on yourself!

    Different things work for different people, but I have found journaling and meditation to help ease the negative thoughts raging through your mind. However, nothing can replace quality medical and psychiatric care. I hope you can find a way to better manage your medications. You may also want to look into vitamin deficiencies. Some studies show that people with depression are lacking B6 and other nutrients, causing the body to use other means to regulate mood.

    Best of luck and know you are in the thoughts and prayers of many.

  264. Valerie August 13, 2010 at 9:09 am #

    Bria, I don’t know you but I am familiar with that horrible dark place you are in… And I can honestly tell you that when you come through the other side of depression (we all do), life will be even more beautiful to you than you ever thought. Going through your current depression/anxiety battle will give you strength you never knew you had… You just have to keep fighting to get better. My advice is just to share your struggle with those closest to you, don’t hesitate to ask for help (it helps other people feel good to give it), and just take care of yourself (eat healthy food, try to get outside for a walk everyday, 8 hours of sleep each day). In the end you’ll find your own ways to “heal yourself”. You just need to believe it will get better (it always does) and pushing forward trying new meds, working with your therapist, exploring the things you love and will bring you joy.

    Please don’t give up. I don’t know you but I love you and I want you to feel better soon.

  265. Yuna August 13, 2010 at 9:54 am #

    Hi Bria,

    I feel your pain and I know it’s hard, but please don’t give up on life. In the end, everything will be okay. If it’s not okay, then it’s the end. You, sweetie, are not alone and people actually do care about you. Writing usually makes me feel better, or just get out and get fresh air when you feel really down.

    Try reading uplifting stories and just believe. That’s the most important thing. Believe that you can make it through this and believe that you’re strong enough for everything. Believe that everything will be worth it in the end and believe that you are loved. Believe in yourself, because other believe in you as well. I, for one, believe that you’ll make it through this.

    Don’t give up on life. Just smile and tell yourself that you’ll get through this. We’re here if you need to talk. Good luck with everything, Bria.

  266. Kaleigh August 13, 2010 at 10:24 am #

    Bria,

    I don’t know you, but I’m sure a lot of people have felt the way you do now. I hope that, in and of itself, is even the smallest bit comforting. You are not alone in your pain, but at the same time, you won’t always feel this way. This life is cyclical, and at times that’s a fact that really truly sucks. Not even a year ago, I thought I could never be happy again. Honest to God happy. When you’re miserable, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But guess what? It’s always there. I promise you that this won’t last forever. That if you ride it out, you won’t be sorry and things will turn around in a way you can’t even begin to imagine. Good things will happen. Hold on and know that people out there love you.

    Kaleigh

  267. Cher August 13, 2010 at 10:47 am #

    God only gives you the things you can handle.

  268. Emma August 13, 2010 at 10:58 am #

    I’ve been through chronic depression and anxiety, too, and I know this is so hard. SO HARD.

    But I believe you can make it through this. It’s really hard work, but I hope you will reach out for all the support you can and someday soon you’ll feel just a little lighter and then a little bit more. I am sending all my best wishes to you right now.

  269. Stephanie Motz Skinner August 13, 2010 at 11:51 am #

    Bria Skalsky, I hope you keep loving (yourself and the many good things in life), fighting (for yourself and for what you want), dreaming (of your future – it can and will be amazing)and believing (in you, the way we all do).

  270. Christina August 13, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

    Hello,

    I just wanted to let you know that I understand these feelings and I am crying right now as I right this because it hits way to close to home for me. I have suffered from depression for 14 years and it has been a day to day battle to not let it win. I totally understand how it feels when you just want to give up and end it all. Just a year ago, I almost did. Please do not give up and let this beat you. You seem to be very strong and can overcome this again.

    Know that you are loved- Christ, your family, friends and a lone stranger (me). Continue with seeking help, whether it is doctors, family, friends and even Christ. There is no shame in this and you will get better. I know that we never met, but if you would like to talk and let things out, I am here and you can e-mail me whenever.

    Love, Christina

  271. Konrad August 13, 2010 at 4:43 pm #

    Oh daffodil, I know exactly how you feel. Well, not exactly. Everyone is different. But I’m going through the exact same battle–severe clinical deperssion, anxiety, and panic attacks that have lasted up to two hours each. All I can say is good luck to you, and always try to stay positive. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no matter how many treatments fail, there are always those little moments of happiness that make living worthwile, and the promise of getting better. Because you will get better. I know you will. You are strong and beautiful and too wonderful to give your life up, because what an important life it is! I don’t pray, I never have, but I’ll pray for you, honey, and here’s to our someday-recoveries. *hug*

  272. Erin August 13, 2010 at 5:29 pm #

    Bria,

    I don’t know exactly what you’re going through but what I do know is that you are a much stronger person than you know! Please don’t give up all hope, things will get better in time!

  273. athousandreasonstosmile August 13, 2010 at 5:32 pm #

    I won’t say that I at all understand or can relate to what you’re going through. But my heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine the kind of struggle you’re going through, and I know that nobody should have to deal with that. But please stay strong. I know you can make it through this, and I will be praying for you.

  274. Melissa August 13, 2010 at 5:49 pm #

    Hey Bria!
    I know things aren’t ok with you right now, and i know they never have been. But the good thing is that THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE! You can make it through this. Your life is worth living, no matter how terrible it is right now. Your worth it as a person, and all the terrible emotions inside of you can be beat.
    You hate your job, your in debt, your not in school?
    Put money away each paycheck, and save up money to pay back your debt. Once you have that finished off, save up some money to go to school. Then keep your job and take night classes, then GET A NEW JOB.
    I know I make it sound easy, but it really is. Once you put your mind to something, you can always do it.
    Go see your therapist, even if they put you more in debt. It’s money worth spending. You are worth the money. Write a list of things you want to do in life, and tell yourself that you cannot die, under any circumstances, until you do all of those things. (Don’t be afraid to dream big). Do things, hang out with friends, go to the library and pick out books to read, volunteer, whatever. Push yourself to do it, even if you don’t want to or feel like you physically can’t. YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have people here to support you, and love you and you deserve every last inch of that love and support. You are a fantastic woman who deserves all the best in life and in health.

  275. Autumn August 13, 2010 at 5:51 pm #

    Bria,
    You are surrounded by love, even from those that you don’t know. Keep working toward recovery day by day, fight for yourself, you’re worth it. Sometimes God doesn’t take away our pain, but he will never leave your side when you are going through it. I pray that you are able to find the help and medication that works for you, and that God surrounds you with those who will be an encourgement to you.
    Autumn

  276. Nicole August 13, 2010 at 6:15 pm #

    Bria,
    Please don’t ever give up! I know how it feels to just want to leave everything, and I tried to leave. It was honestly the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I hope you know how much I love you and how amazing you are.
    Much love

  277. Lisa August 13, 2010 at 7:05 pm #

    Bria,
    Love is surrounding you. You are loved by strangers like me. I don’t want you to give up. I want to live and be the beautiful woman you are.

  278. linda August 13, 2010 at 7:10 pm #

    “promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” that’s my favorite quote from Winnie the Pooh. i will hold you close in my thoughts and in my prayers. it took a while for me to get the best combination of meds to work. don’t be afraid to speak up when they don’t work…it’s a trial & error thing. it will be good. Lindae

  279. amy August 13, 2010 at 7:36 pm #

    Big hugs to you sweet girl.
    I have you at the top of my prayer list.
    I have a father that has struggled with serious depression, panic attacks, etc. and I know it is hard. While I do not struggle in this area, I do find myself stressed and turn to art to decompress. I have lots of scrapbooking supplies that I have purged and could use a new home. If you are interested in using art as an outlet feel free to email me and I will ship them your way. xoxo amy

  280. Tootie August 13, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

    I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I will say a prayer for you! Hang in there!

  281. Ariel August 13, 2010 at 8:27 pm #

    thinking of you honey, ive been there many times on and off, but even still none of us knows what you are going through, but know this, you are beautiful and life is worth living even if its a bit shit from time to time…hope you find a way to feel a tiny bit smilier soon xxx

  282. Amanda August 13, 2010 at 8:34 pm #

    Just wanted to say that I’m sending lots of LOVE your way. I’m sure there’s nothing much more I can say to make you feel better, but hang in there. Know that you are loved.

  283. sarah of secrets August 13, 2010 at 8:56 pm #

    I’ve been there before, just think of the people you know, event he one’s who you don’t like. Think of all the good you could do, if you don’t keep going for yourself keep going for the strangers YOU could help.

    Eternally Caffeinated,
    Sarah

  284. Angie August 13, 2010 at 9:35 pm #

    Bria,

    We’ve never met; however I feel how much pain you’re in. It’s great you’ve been working with your depression to get it under control. There’s so much support out here via the Internet, and you have people to help you through this. I wish you the best, and if you ever need anything, feel free to look me up. Bless you, dear one. 🙂

  285. erica August 13, 2010 at 11:02 pm #

    Bria ~

    whatever it takes.
    whatever it takes.
    don’t give up on us…

    http://kindovermatter.blogspot.com/2010/08/all-is-not-lost.html

    you matter. you really do.

    xo,
    e

  286. Amy August 13, 2010 at 11:10 pm #

    Bria,
    I am so sorry you are going through this horrible time. My mother and sister are both bi-polar and I know first hand how they have struggled. They are both doing wonderfully now and you can and will get through this. We are all here to support you!

  287. stacey August 14, 2010 at 12:21 am #

    Hi Bria,
    I’m a 46 yr old woman who is incredibly happy and content and thrilled to be alive. But 20 years ago I was where you are. From age 12 to 29 I suffered from severe depression that left me fantasizing very day about ending it all, in myriad ways. When I finally tried, and drove myself to a mental institution, they sent me in an ambulance to the ER where the physician on staff decided I didn’t need my stomach pumped and told me I was wasting his time: he was trying to save people who wanted to live. That really pissed me off, not a great bedside manner to say the least. But fast forward just 5 years and my life completely changed. I knew at 29, when this happened, that if I lived to see 30 I would be thrilled. I did, and I threw myself a huge Bday party with the help of a very close friend. I never thought I’d see 35, but now it’s in my rear-view mirror. I still have dark days, and two years ago had a stretch of dark months that put me back in therapy. But Bria, I have never, ever again thought seriously about ending my life. Sure, some days I would love to disappear. HOp a plane to Zimbabwe and never look back. But every day I find some reason to be happy about where I am and the life I live — and I DO LIVE. So don’t give up. Life is really awesome, and you never know what’s around the corner. it won’t ever all be roses, but there will be some great moments, happy and sad, but all moments I am so glad I didn’t miss.

  288. isabelrasmussen August 14, 2010 at 1:37 am #

    Remember that you are not alone. I am reading Lisa Nichols book No Matter What and she talks about being suicidal. She is now an amazing motivational speaker who has touched the lives of millions. I believe that you can do the same – move through these horrible times to a life that is completely unrecognizable. I know what it is to fall into the depression and not be able to see anything good and by what feels like a miracle I come out of it and there is good in my life again. I am now trying to figure out why I slip every month. I wish us both unrecognizably beautiful lives.

  289. Laura August 14, 2010 at 1:43 am #

    Bria, you are an amazing, beautiful girl and you will get through this. Everything might seem like so much at the moment, but God is bigger than every trial that faces you.
    The depression won’t last forever, and who knows, when you come out of it you could help guide those who are feeling like you are now.
    Think positively, and watch for the light at the end of the tunnel, because it is there. ❤

  290. Fabricio August 14, 2010 at 6:24 am #

    Hi Bria,

    The truth is i never felt the way you do, and i can’t imagine the terror and the pain you’re being trough. I can understand how difficult life can be sometimes, but there are plenty of reasons to live life to the fullest! I bet you’re such a loving and warm person and have a lot of love to give~
    Cheer up and smile, there’s nothing in life that can’t be solved.
    lot of hugs,

    Fab

  291. Nadica August 14, 2010 at 6:24 am #

    Dear Bria,

    It says that you’re a Lover, Fighter, Dreamer, Believer

    If you’re a fighter then keep fighting and don’t give up.

    If you’re a believer then believe that things will get better because they will.

    There are 300 comments here, most of them are from strangers, telling you not to give up, telling you that things will get better.

    So for the sake of your family and friends, for the sake of the people who care about you and for the sake of everyone that commented DON’T give up. Keep fighting and you’ll get through this, keep believing that things will get better because they and will keep dreaming for the day when all of this is behind you ’cause that day will come.

  292. Carol August 14, 2010 at 6:43 am #

    Bria,

    One has to be strong at a time like this. There are plenty of people out there that love you and care for you. They are reaching out to offer you help. Take advantage of it. Do your best to get out of that dark place. We are here to give you hope and love! Take it, embrace it, and make the most of it!

    I’ll keep you in my mind and prayers.

    All the best,
    Carol

    PS: Do get your meds checked. They should be making you feel better. You deserve to be happy, girl! 🙂

  293. Liz C. August 14, 2010 at 7:47 am #

    Dear Bria,

    There aren’t any simple answers are there? But I was deeply touched by how truthfully and articulately you expressed where you are and how you’re feeling. I hope getting that out (not whiney at all!) and feeling the love being sent in response are helping some of your despair lift. I will be keeping you in my prayers and checking back in to see how you’re doing. Keep on letting it out – rave on Bria Skalsky!:)

    Much love,
    Liz C.

  294. Marie August 14, 2010 at 8:53 am #

    My family will be praying for you. I have a daughter that works very hard every day to deal with the same type of situation. I have learned all I can do to help is pray. Just know you are loved!!!

  295. Twoey August 14, 2010 at 11:10 am #

    Dear Bria,

    When I was 12 I was checked into the hospital for clinical depression and anxiety. My troubles seem to stem right from my birth and I have significant reason to beleive I am the rare child who was depressed since birth. Depression runs in both sides of my immediate family. By the fifth grade I was suicidal and self harming. I had panic attacks that stumped doctors, because I never let on a thing. I was a straight A student, social butterfly, helpful, loving kid who was dying on the inside. The day I checked into the hospital was the best and worst day of my life. I was so, so scared. I seriously could right a book about my 2 weeks there. But things started to change.

    I have had many many relapses since. I am now 15 years old and still struggling with my illness. But I beleive that with each episode, I am getting stronger. I am closer to my family than I have ever been. They are my best friends. I can tell them anything. I am best friends with my brother and sister too. In January I was confirmed into the United Church, completely by my own decision (I come from an agnostic family). I am happier than I have ever been, despite the pain.

    I will never forget the black hole I was in. It will always be a part of me, and still is. But I am a better person because of it.

    What I am getting at is that although the pain is unbearable, and suicide seems like the only option, don’t give up. There are so, so many people who love you. God crafted you out of his own two hands and has a plan for you. This is just part of it. There are hundreds of STRANGERS here who are praying for you.

    You can do it! Tell yourself that every day.

    Medication has the tendancy to either make you feel 100 times better or 100 times worse. You’re feeling worse, and that is so normal. You just need to find the right medication for you. There are a couple really good mottos that I live by. One of them is “everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” So don’t let this be the end! You are so loved. Everyone wants to see you recover.

    Depression is like living a double life. And it can be so confusing when something like a vacation gives you that break.

    I think you are like me. You are young but you have an old soul. A dreaming soul. And a soul that can overcome anything.

    All the best,
    Twoey

  296. catclause August 14, 2010 at 12:43 pm #

    Angel blessings.

  297. Merna August 14, 2010 at 1:10 pm #

    Bria, as you can tell from the hundreds of comments you are not alone in so many ways! Others have felt what you’re going through and got through the other end so KEEP THAT HOPE GOING!!!!

    Second, you can see that strangers around the world are connected to you, praying for you, sending positive vibes, and caring for you. When you’re feeling all alone and that no one cares (and know we ALL go through that and probably will as long as we’re on this earth) then re-read all these comments and know those crazy thoughts are just plain wrong.

    Keep reaching out….keep believing…each day is filled with the wonderful possibility of being better than the days gone by.

    Sending light, love and prayers,
    Merna

  298. laa August 14, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    When I was in your place a few years ago I turned to God and my faith to help pull me through. I felt as though I had to let life go for a while and realize this would be my touch time and then later on I would be able to help others. You will be stronger for this in the future. Never give up and stay strong.

  299. Miriam August 14, 2010 at 3:37 pm #

    Bria, God loves you and His heart breaks for you.
    I used to struggle with depression (sometimes I still do), but my experience doesn’t seem to be nearly as difficult as yours. You have been SO COURAGEOUS. Keep writing. Find something healthy to do that helps relieve the pain and keep doing it. Definitely get your meds checked, it sounds like it could save you a lot of money and pain and whatnot in the end. Keep getting help! Know that you have so many people who are sending you love.

  300. Claire August 14, 2010 at 6:02 pm #

    You are AMAZING just the way you are. Don’t give up, I believe in you and I am praying for you.

  301. Victoria August 14, 2010 at 8:32 pm #

    Hey Bria,

    Reading your blog entry made me went back on things that had gone terrible in my life, and how I felt back then. The struggle one can go through and feel is insane… But there is one thing that I learned at the end: it’s that you are never alone. When I got better, all my blurred views went clearer. Where ever I was.. I realized.. There was another person who was passing through the same harsh time. The person might be in a another country or city, who knows but I knew there was someone, some where, who knew how I felt. Exactly how I felt. It made me feel better in a way, and today still, I feel better knowing I am not alone.

    Right under your name I see these four words… “Lover, Fighter, Dreamer, Believer”. After reading your blog entry, I strongly believe they represent you very well. Embrace those titles, as you know they are a true you. You will make it through my dear, I am positive about it, even through the hardest times.

    Take care, stay true to yourself now and keep on writing. Using it as an escape when everything gets out of control has lots of magical little benefits through time.

    I love you Bria.

  302. Deneen August 14, 2010 at 9:02 pm #

    First order of business, Bria, is to get your meds checked, no matter what it costs. You are probably suffering from a pretty common side-effect of some of those anti-depressant drugs. Remember, if you do yourself in, no one is going to get paid anyway! If you get well, then you can eventually pay your debts (or Not & “f__k ’em if they can’t take a joke.”)

    Trust yourself enough to know that this isn’t the way these meds are supposed to be working and someone trained should be able to help you get on the right dose or another med better for your physiology.

    You describe yourself as a warrior, so now is the time to become incredibly smart and creative on your own behalf. Check out EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) & TAT (Tappas Accupressure Technique). These are amazingly effective energy psychology tools you can use to transform your inner reality on your own and with support.

    Here are 2 sites that offer Free teaching:
    http://www.tatlife.com
    http://www.tryitoneverything.com

    Meds redo first & then, here is a great warrior weapon:
    Appreciation. Start writing down a list of things, people, places you love. Find what you appreciate in your life, Even when you feel that there’s nothing. Appreciate the fact that you are still breathing, that so many people are sending an outpouring of love & encouragement, that you haven’t offed yourself in spite of the desire to do so…etc. Look for things to appreciate as though your life depended on it, because it probably does!

  303. Gwen August 15, 2010 at 1:06 am #

    You arent alone.
    There are many people out there just like you (including myself).

    Us who can relate care about you and dont give up the fight, the outcome will be very beneficial..I have hope for you and everyone just like us.

  304. kori August 15, 2010 at 1:54 am #

    its beautiful that you shared – i think it means you DO want to live….somewhere deep down you may know there are many better times ahead worth sticking through this for. keep dreaming and loving and fighting your battle… there is a reason you’re here thats worth finding out about. you’ll be in my prayers….

  305. kori August 15, 2010 at 1:56 am #

    When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” ~Author Unknown

  306. nicolemarieblogs August 15, 2010 at 2:37 am #

    Hey Bria,

    I just wanted you to know, I’m sending kind thoughts your way.

    My brother struggles through depression. He tried taking his life twice last year, and it seriously tore me apart. My family had him admitted to different hospitals both times. After the second attempt, he calmed down and found a way to re-evaluate his life in a way that makes sense to him. He doesn’t live like the “normal” people in the world. He found his own way to exist, and he lives life the best way he knows how. He spends time with people constantly, is never alone. But he has been happier than ever.

    I just wanted to let you know… you’re not alone. There are people who care about you and whose lives would change (for the worse) if you were suddenly gone. Sometimes, reaching out to those who you love and who love you too can be the best thing you can do. Friends, family, a pet… draw strength from them.

    If I could, I’d send you buckets and buckets of positive energy so you could take a sip every time you find yourself weakening… even just a bit.

    -Nicole Marie

  307. Kym August 15, 2010 at 3:33 am #

    bria-
    i want you to know that no matter what, there are people that love you and you really aren’t alone. i’ve been clinically depressed; i know how empty and scary it can be. you can get through this. i wish you all the best, and you’re in my prayers

  308. R August 15, 2010 at 5:19 am #

    Hey Bria, don’t give up.

    Life is beautiful and you’re part of it for many people including yourself.

  309. Lola August 15, 2010 at 9:13 am #

    My dear, do not give up!
    There are people who love you, they need you. Please, realize that life is worth it. You’re loved, and I KNOW you can get through this.

    xxxx

  310. Christine August 15, 2010 at 10:06 am #

    The last thing you should feel at this point is alone. There are so many people out there dealing with these same emotions. When I’ve been at my lowest points the most motivating things I can say to myself are even in times of such hardship there are still little things that make me smile. You really need to have faith that everyday holds a new opportunity. It seems so easy to dwell in the present and disregard that things can get better. The thing is things will get better, the hardest thing to have with all of this is patience but if you set goals for yourself even if they are miniscule you will feel accomplishment. The first positive feeling I try to attain is accomplishment. Then friendship, I know at these times it’s easy to trap yourself in solitude but reach out to someone and let yourself feel loved and see how easy it is to touch others. If you can’t find the strength to help yourself then I have found it really therapeutic to help others. It’s easier said than done but try to volunteer somewhere locally or even help a friend that is in need whether is be painting a room or taking them to an appointment.

    Meds are very helpful in these circumstances but the true power to change these feelings lies within yourself and no matter how much medicine you take it is not going to alter the foundation of your depressive feelings. I have taken many anxiety and depression meds and they really take the edge off when I feel overwhelmed but I’ve had to take many other measures to try and be happy.

    Let yourself be loved and be selfish. Financially it’s hard to just travel and spend money on things to brighten your mood but libraries are free and books are a great thing to immerse yourself. I also find that choosing a comical television show such as GLEE or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and watching full seasons really changes my mood. I become involved with the characters and their thoughts and it helps me feel less alone.

    Hope this helps!

  311. Ellen August 15, 2010 at 12:16 pm #

    Bria. I have found myself in a very similar state over the last couple of years, and I could identify with what you are saying so much it hurt.

    I don’t have the perfect solution, and the truth is I don’t think there is one. But the things that have helped me most are exercise, and eating healthily. It sounds so dumb and obvious but honestly, forcing myself to get out of the house and just walk for half an hour a day, or something similar, lifts my mood immensely. Being outdoors, particularly somewhere green, can make me feel more positive, even if just for a little while.

    The other thing that has most helped is keeping a regular journal, and being completely, brutally honest about where I am in that point of time. I find it enormously hard to be completely honest about where I am when talking to friends and family, but marking it all down on paper can be very cathartic. It’s especially good for when you start to get better (and you WILL get better), and you can see your progress, or go back to good days when you’re having bad ones, reminding yourself that you don’t always feel that way.

    Bria, you are important. Your story is important. Don’t give up.

  312. Jesyka August 16, 2010 at 3:05 am #

    Hi Bria, I just read your blog and my heart aches for you. I know exactly how you feel. There was a time when I wanted it all to end too because I felt like no one loved me and I was all alone in the world. I laid in bed one night and I said, “God, just end it. I don’t care. But if you have a purpose for me and I’m supposed to be here, then I’ll wake up tomorrow and search for that purpose.” And the next day, I woke up. I soon found out that there was a whole bunch of people who cared about me and wanted me to feel better. I bet if you looked, you could find those people too. Life is beautiful and there is so much in store for you. I don’t even know you and I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that everything is going to be okay. I promise. You have a purpose and you are here for a reason.
    http://www.twloha.com/vision/
    That organization has helped me more than I can put into words. Hopefully it can for you too.
    Stay strong,
    Jesyka ❤

  313. Maddy August 16, 2010 at 3:09 am #

    Dearest Bria,
    You are so strong and beautiful, and I know you can get through this. You have support and love all around you, and life gets better. Always.

  314. Anastasia August 16, 2010 at 3:58 am #

    I was where you are at a year ago. Its terrifying, but I was able to get out of the situation I was in and its much better. I still struggle everyday but not to the harmful extent that I was. Try and work on those stressors that are in your way. I hope you can change something to make you feel better.

  315. osarah August 16, 2010 at 8:32 am #

    Bria, I am so sorry that you are in this dark time in your life. I know it’s hard to see the light, especially when you get into some of those really dark spots. Know that you are worth it. You are worth every effort, every smile, every breath. And though it may seem like you won’t be able to change the things in your life that you mentioned above (debt, not in school, job, etc.), you will. It’s not an automatic transformation. It’s a road you take step by step, and you don’t need to take it alone. If you believe in God, he’s there. And your family and friends and even this online community is here with you.

    I wish you all the very best.

  316. Artemis August 16, 2010 at 9:55 am #

    Stay strong and hold onto hope. It will all get better.

  317. megan August 16, 2010 at 1:40 pm #

    I have much love and respect for you for sharing your most intimate struggles. All I can say is stay strong and keep your head high, I too know these feeling you hold inside and I hope that you will find the right outlet for you to combat this hurdle.

  318. tifakaylakat August 16, 2010 at 4:32 pm #

    Dearest Bria-

    I could say I am a complete stranger, but there is no such thing as strangers. Only friends you haven’t met. You are my friend. So, as your friend, I will try to cheer you up like so many before me.

    Darling, I know what you’re going through. I wouldn’t wish it upon my greatest enemy, let alone someone as fantastic as you are. You are beautiful, amazing and absolutely unique. YOu are a result of your lived experiences and no one can offer quite exactly what you can. You are important. You deserve love. And that’s what I bring. I am sending my love.

    I know this is extremely hard. When life gets bad, appricate the little things. The flower so vibrant and blue, the cup of coffee you drank, you tasted so warm on your toungue. The complete silence when you walked out your front door this morning. Use your sences.

    That’s how I make it through. And like the tide, it’ll leave. And when it leaves, the sand will be so perfect and new and you’ll have a new experience to write about.

    I wish you happiness and fufilment in your life.

    Love, Kayla

    • sky August 16, 2010 at 10:25 pm #

      hey girl, remember that there is ALWAYS something to live for.

      no matter how dark the night, the sun will rise again.

  319. Stef August 17, 2010 at 10:02 am #

    “I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.” Bria, although it doesn’t feel like it, you make the world a better place. Just breathe. Make yourself smile. Don’t believe your brain when it tells you that things are impossible. Start with something small that you want to do, and do it. You matter. Even though I do not know you, I know your happiness matters. I am sending you love and light.

  320. Jane August 17, 2010 at 10:52 am #

    Bria:

    There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t give up: it will come soon!

  321. Kinny August 17, 2010 at 2:34 pm #

    My heart goes out to you. I have been struggling with anxiety for the past two years and I feel your pain. I know that sometimes it feels like death is the only way out – but its not. I have been able to push through and feel the light at the end of the tunnel and it is oh so good – it is there! I know at times you can feel so lost, so overwhelmed and so hopeless and you’ve lost all hope of even seeing a light – but its there – please keep searching, keep seeking, because it is there!

    I know if feels impossible to get out of bed in the morning and all you want to do is sleep, but what has helped me is getting out of bed putting on my running shoes and running until my lungs feels like they are going to burst. I run until I can’t go any further, until I feel like I am going to fall and it is in that place that I find focus – I only have to concentrate on breathing, some how focus meets me there. And then take a walk for a while – sometimes I end up sitting on the curb bawling my eyes out and sometimes I try and rest back after I caught my breath. Make sure to go outside!! Find people in your life to support you, spend time with them – they will be your strength.

    As far as medication goes – please look into what you are taking – it may not be the right kind or dose for you. Getting help from a Doctor and a councilor is really important, don’t let money keep you from getting healthy.

    Love,

    Kinny

  322. Freddie August 17, 2010 at 10:36 pm #

    I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through this. You were really brave to put yourself into the hospital- it shows you know what you need to do and you do it. Because of that, I think you’ll make it through this. You are loved. Remember that. (:

  323. Amelia August 18, 2010 at 11:15 am #

    Dear Bria,

    I am so sorry to hear you’re going through all this. As someone who used to suffer with depression, anxiety and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I know how terrible it is. I’d definitely get yours meds checked out and if that doesn’t make things any better, maybe you could have a look at the Lightning Process? It’s a three day training course that teaches you this process that can be used as a tool to overcome anything negative going on in your body. I did it about a year ago now and it’s completely changed my life. Most of the time it’s like I was never ill at all.

    I really hope everything gets better for you soon, whatever you choose to do. You’ll be in my thoughts.

    – Amelia xxx

  324. RamonaRay August 20, 2010 at 9:06 am #

    I dont know you, but I love you….I hope you can find the strength to push through the darkness, because i promise you, there is a light at the other end….<3

    all my love…..

  325. Michelle Sedas August 20, 2010 at 9:41 pm #

    Oh, sweet one. I hear your heart and I want you to know I have felt your sadness many times. I, too, have been hospitalized (twice) and I, too have gone through many medications. I would recommend that you do get those meds checked. Please know that this will pass. Try to focus on the things you love. Sending you many hugs.

  326. Rachel August 27, 2010 at 3:43 pm #

    Aw darling I am praying for you:0) I’ve struggled with panic anxiety and generalized anxiety for over 10 years and there are no words to describe how truly life shattering it can be. I hope you find a little peace today and experience something that brings you a little smile whether its a song you love or seeing a cute puppy… that always does it for me.

  327. M.E. August 31, 2010 at 3:04 pm #

    You’ve got a lot to deal with and I am really impressed that you are reaching out for help. Takes a very mature person to show their vulnerability. When I was a teen thru to my 20s I suffered with a lot of emotional issues and I did attempt suicide once. I didn’t have the maturity to ask for help (like you are doing) so I suffered alone, in silence. I don’t think you are a whiner or faking anything. I think you are a victim of a very messed up society…and I’m sorry for that. Do whatever needs to be done to take care of yourself. You can find money later – but your health is the most important thing now! Don’t worry about money – I know that sounds lame, but really you can deal with that in the future. Can I recommend a book for you to read? It helped me a lot “Embraced By The Light” by Betty Eadie. Like I said, I was very messed up for years and then I started reading a lot of new age & spiritual books and did some other self-help things and finally something in my life changed and now I love life! I want to tell you that there is hope, that change can and does happen! Things might seem like shit now but everything can change – YOUR life can change! Please take care of yourself because the world needs you! Love and light to you dear Bria!

  328. libby September 13, 2010 at 6:22 am #

    Hiya,

    I suffered with clinical depression and tried suicide along time ago, my advice is never give up we are with you in thought and energy whichmeans YOU are surrounded by love. Try not to take medication it wont really help.
    May Love light and the strength to carry on be with you
    xx libby
    Ps it does get better!

  329. Di September 27, 2010 at 11:45 am #

    Bria,

    Unfortunately I don’t have any encouraging words to say to you. I lost my job 7 months ago having been accused of something heinous that I would never have done. I have tried to kill myself b/c even my family rejects me, except for my daughter who is wrapped up in her own life. Also I cannot find a job and will likely soon lose my house. Today is yet another day that I would do it, if I didn’t have the responsibility of caring for my neighbor’s dog for the rest of the week. Like you, the meds do numb my reactions some but nothing anymore gives me a reason on. I know that I would go to hell and can’t fathom why God has allowed me to suffer so much physical, emotional and sexual abuse as well as persecution and abandonment in my life. I have about 40+ more years to go. Why in the **** would I want to continue.

    Sorry I have nothing positive to say. I just hope your life can get better. Mine is being flushed down the drain.

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  331. AJ September 23, 2012 at 7:38 am #

    I’m not sorry for you. I am greatfull to you, because you shared. I’m 45 back in college again, layed off, fighting for my unemployment. Not married, no kids or family. And the world around me is a fucking lie. God does’nt excist. He is a lie. And i’m mad about it. Get off the drugs. People that have this deppression as I, you and many. Must learn to live and accomidate with a healthy lifestyle. The drugs, though they help at times. Have more side effects then they are worth. I’m tired of fighting. I’m ready to give up. I just can’t keep fighting the fight alone.Good luck on your fight.

  332. eva October 20, 2012 at 9:33 pm #

    I am there with the blogger. Oh yes, no money = no medical insurance = NO there is no help, I have researched and looked, local and state agencies, zero. USA is so cruel to her citizens’, leaving them to die, rather than cradle to grave insurance like other westernized nations. I give up.

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