A Love Story

10 Jul

He was a lovely boy, JT was.  I shouldn’t use the word boy, because he so much more than that.  And he would hate to find out I called him lovely.  But it is true.  He was lovely.

I do not remember well the day we met.  Not that it matters; the times that came after were so much better.  We both were involved in politics.  He worked for a campaign that I volunteered for, and although we didn’t talk much, I was drawn to him in a way.  Summer and the campaign faded into fall and I didn’t see him again.  I didn’t know more than his first name.

Late fall of 2007 came and he emailed me to let me know the campaign was officially over.  Email turned into IMing, and although sporadic, we stayed in touch.  And I fell for him.  It was a slow fall, but it was a fall.  He drew me in.  I was attracted.

Fast-forward to June 3, 2008.  That was the day of our first kiss.  We were outside of a parking ramp in St. Paul following an Obama rally we’d attended along with my friend Tommie at the XCEL energy center.  In the middle of thousands of people, I got the kiss I had been hoping for.  It probably lasted fifteen seconds or so, but it went on forever in my mind.  The world faded away.  In that moment, I knew I felt something extraordinary.

JT and I during the rally

Unfortunately, the kiss ended.  I somehow found my breath again and we said our goodbyes with promises to talk and see eachother soon, and I watched him walk away.  I squealed.  I danced.  I was a giddy little school girl.  We made the way up flight after flight of stairs to Tommie’s car, and I still couldn’t believe it.  “Did this night really happen?  OMG we KISSED!  Did I seriously get my kiss?!  I GOT MY KISS!”  We got in the car and I looked in the mirror and just kept repeating “Did that really happen?”  I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.  Even now, reliving that feeling, I get that same happy feeling in my heart.  I get the excited butterflies.

The giddy girl got her kiss!

That summer I spent a bunch of time with JT.  There were birthdays and baseball games and hospital visits.  There were kisses and cuddling and hot tubs.  There were rooftops and horse races and racing hearts.  There were hotels and jacuzzis.  There was a girl falling head over heels madly in love.

I remember the day we spent at his house after a weekend with a couple of his friends.  We watched a Something Corporate Live In Concert DVD and sang along.  He loved Something Corporate.  They were one of his favorites.

Somehow what we had faded, but it didn’t disappear completely.  Somehow, things changed.  The man I was in love with was a little more distant.  He was a little quieter.  He seemed less happy.

After that summer, we saw less of eachother.  Every few months we would meet up, whether it was me going to a wedding in Iowa with him or him coming up after an 11pm drunken phone call from me telling him I wanted to see him.

Last fall we attempted two weekends together.  The first weekend, I met up with him on Friday after an adventure to the MN State Fair with Tommie, but passed out immediately after getting to his apartment.  I was in a food-induced coma.

pancake wrapped pork sausage on a stick at the state fair

Saturday, he had something had to do with friends and left the keys to his apartment with me.  He left at 5 or 6pm and said he would be back by around 9.  I met up with my dear friend Glen for coffee and dessert at Cafe Latte, and 9pm came without a word from JT.  I text him to let him know I was out and to let me know when he’d be back.  Glen and I made our way down the street for a drink at Billy’s and soon 1am came and all I had gotten was a text saying JT would be back in a bit.  I went back to his apartment and waited up for an hour or so, not hearing from him.  Finally, pissed off, I went to bed.  I woke up at 6am to a text saying “I am so sorry! I will be home soon.”  But yet he didn’t walk through the door til close to 9am.  I was furious, and he was hungover as hell.  Turns out that he had gotten drunk and passed out, apparently forgetting about the cute girl who was sitting at him apartment waiting for him.

The last time that I attempted to spend time with him was when he was supposed to be my +1 for my former roommate’s wedding.  I was spending time in the twin cities with friends on Friday and was supposed to meet up with him afterward.  But instead, he went to his friend’s house to drink and ended up basically blowing off plans with me.  I didn’t see him that weekend, and I didn’t go to the wedding either.

I miss JT.  I miss his hugs and the way he’d always tell me that I look great.  I miss our conversations.  I miss his long hair and the way he’d always say “that’s what she said” even when it didn’t quite make sense.  I miss so much about him.

goofiness on my 21st birthday

I feel as if I am his Konstantine.

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
It’s 11:11
And now you want to talk
It’s not hard to dream
You’ll always be my Konstantine

My Konstantine, they’ll never hurt you like I do
No, they’ll never hurt you like I do.

I think that JT was the first man that I ever truly loved.  I still do, in a way.  Thoughts of him catch me off guard all the time.  The things that remind me of him never seem to disappear.  I loved him and saw in him so much potential and greatness, and it seemed as if he never realized that it was there.  He was a broken soul in so many ways, and all I wanted to do was fix it all.  I wanted to make it better.  I wanted to see him happy.  I wanted to make all of his struggles go away.  But I couldn’t.  I knew I couldn’t, and I long ago gave up trying.  Maybe it was just that he couldn’t be at his best and happiest with me.  And as much as that hurts, I understand it.

Losing him hurt.  It has left a void.  Part of me still hopes to have him back someday.  But more than that, I just hope that he is finally happy; a little less broken.

Advertisements

6 Responses to “A Love Story”

  1. ravinrants July 10, 2010 at 7:31 pm #

    Wrenching. A lovely post, I hope you can heal, learn and live happily.

  2. 60291tdy July 11, 2010 at 12:37 am #

    Aww…poor Bria. You will find that feeling and that love again someday. I have all the confidence in the world. And when all else fails, you always have me to pick you up when you are down. Love ya! *hugs*

  3. Jill July 12, 2010 at 9:33 am #

    What a bittersweet story. It’s so hard to lose someone you love, but at least you have good memories :/

  4. Lilly August 3, 2010 at 6:12 pm #

    Oh my gosh, I know this all to well. Things still catch me off guard all the time, and the wind gets knocked out of me at random moments over the smallest things. I know it will only go away once I find someone I love even more, but the between time is kind of maddening. Keep your head up–you’ll find a guy that treats you like you deserve to be treated, and love you how you want to be loved.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Moving On… Is it possible? « DevilishDelish - July 13, 2010

    […] Jul The last couple of days have been awfully difficult for me.  All I can think of is JT and how much I miss him.  It is funny… the us has been gone between he and I for a long […]

  2. Goodbye 2010. 2011, Be prepared… « DevilishDelish - December 26, 2010

    […] the loss of my brother.  I suffered from severe depression that nearly ruined my life.  I remembered the past, and begged for the ability to move on.  My dating life was a mess due to unavailable men.  And […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: