Archive | July, 2010

What are you waiting for?!

25 Jul

I have spent so much of my time running in place, wheels spinning, worrying only about what could be and what could happen.  I have spent so much of my time dwelling on the past and the future and should be or could be or isn’t there.  I have spent so much time focusing on STUFF that I forgot to follow my heart and follow my dreams and take chances and just live!


I vow to live life from here on out.  I vow to live and laugh and love and take risks.  I vow to experience life.  By doing this, I am vowing to fail.  I am vowing to get hurt.  That part is inevitable.

But I am also vowing to be happy as well.  And isn’t that what life is all about?

What if?

23 Jul

What if I get hurt? Maybe I will.  So what.  That is life.  I will mend.

What if I am unhappy? Then I change it… I make adjustments so that I am happy once again.

What if I make the wrong decision? Well, that happens sometimes.  Again, it is part of life.  Deal with the consequences and learn.

I am sick of spending my life wondering “What if…?”.  From this point on, I vow to take chances and not hold back.  I would rather take some time here and there picking up the pieces and putting things back together because I took chances and took risks than spend my life wondering “What if I had tried…?”.

Fight with Love

17 Jul

The hate-filled demons from Westboro Baptist Church are picketing at the Lady Gaga concert in St. Louis today.  On their website, they write “Now what type of wicked hypocrites would we be if we did not warn this little false prophetess and all of her over-indulged sycophants that they are each one, individually heading straight to hell in a gender-confused, self-loathing, tone-deaf hand basket and that a gift from the God they hate?”

The great part of this whole ordeal, though, is the way that Lady Gaga responded to it on her Twitter this afternoon.

“At the risk of drawing attention to a hateful organization, I would like to make my little monster fan aware of a protest being held outside the Monsterball in St.Louis tonight. Although we have had protesters before, as well as fundamentalists at the show this group of protesters are hate criminals and preach using lude and violent language and imagery that I wish I protect you all from. Their message is of hatred and divisiveness, but inside at the Monsterball we preach love and unity. My request to all little monsters and public authority is to pay these hate criminals no mind. Do not interact with them, or try to fight. Do not respond to any of their provocation. Don’t waste your words, or feelings, no matter what you hear or see. you are more fortunate and blessed than they are, and in your heart just pray for them. Although I respect and do not judge anyone for their personal views on any politics or religion, this group in particular to me, is violent and dangerous. I wanted to make my fans aware of my views on how to approach, or rather not approach, these kinds of hate activists. Be inspired to ignore their ignorant message, and feel gratitude in your heart that you are not burdened or addicted to hate, as they are. X”

We don’t need to fight hate with hate.

16 Jul

Moving On… Is it possible?

13 Jul

The last couple of days have been awfully difficult for me.  All I can think of is JT and how much I miss him.  It is funny… the us has been gone between he and I for a long time.  So many times, I have found myself feeling completely over JT.  I have found myself forgetting about him for days or weeks at a time.

But then this spring and summer hit and he is all that I can think about.  He consumes my thoughts again.  It hurts how much I miss him.  And as much as I try to move on-as much as part of me feels I am ready for a new relationship-I can’t get over him.  And it hurts my heart.

I need to get over this.

Reflection

12 Jul

Today is a day of reflection.  My life lately has been so up and down, and I feel that I simply need to slow the hell down and look at things from a distance.  In doing so, I found the need to jot down a few of things that I love and hate lately.

First, the bad.

THINGS I HATE

  • I hate racism and vandalism.  Last week, a Somali-owned market here in St. Cloud was vandalized.  Somebody spray-painted the store windows with the words “Go Home.”  I do not understand these things.  It makes me sick!  Nobody deserves blatant disrespect like that.
  • I hate catcalls and obscenely sexual things being yelled at me out the windows of vehicles.  Case in point:  I was walking down the street to the store (which is two blocks from my apartment)  the other day wearing a tshirt and denim skirt (the comes almost to my knees).  All of a sudden I hear things like “Shake that a**, baby!”, “Look at those tits!”, and “Honey, can I take you home?” being yelled at me from a car parked across the street.  I wanted to cry.  I felt so unbelievably disrespected.  I do not understand what gives men the idea that they can say things like that.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE

  • There is a man that I pass a few times per week on my walk to/from work.  He is an elderly man that is probably no taller than me and likely weighs no more than me either.  He is an elderly man with a very bright smile and very dark and weathered skin.  He walks with a walker and I am almost positive that he is a veteran.  Every time that I see him, without fail, he says “Good day, ma’am” with a huge smile and he salutes me.  If we are passing each other on the sidewalk, he will step aside and make a way for me to pass before he continues on his way.  I need to know his story.
  • Tattoos!  I love tattoos!  I have finally decided on what my next will be, and I must say that it will be magnificent!  I am going to get the word believe in Greek, along with a few swallows.  To get an idea of what it will look like, the script looks like this —->πιστεύω and I will have some small swallows such as the ones in this picture.

Author’s note:  This post brought to you from my spot at the lovely White Horse Restaurant and Bar with a little refreshment in the form of Surly Furious.

A Love Story

10 Jul

He was a lovely boy, JT was.  I shouldn’t use the word boy, because he so much more than that.  And he would hate to find out I called him lovely.  But it is true.  He was lovely.

I do not remember well the day we met.  Not that it matters; the times that came after were so much better.  We both were involved in politics.  He worked for a campaign that I volunteered for, and although we didn’t talk much, I was drawn to him in a way.  Summer and the campaign faded into fall and I didn’t see him again.  I didn’t know more than his first name.

Late fall of 2007 came and he emailed me to let me know the campaign was officially over.  Email turned into IMing, and although sporadic, we stayed in touch.  And I fell for him.  It was a slow fall, but it was a fall.  He drew me in.  I was attracted.

Fast-forward to June 3, 2008.  That was the day of our first kiss.  We were outside of a parking ramp in St. Paul following an Obama rally we’d attended along with my friend Tommie at the XCEL energy center.  In the middle of thousands of people, I got the kiss I had been hoping for.  It probably lasted fifteen seconds or so, but it went on forever in my mind.  The world faded away.  In that moment, I knew I felt something extraordinary.

JT and I during the rally

Unfortunately, the kiss ended.  I somehow found my breath again and we said our goodbyes with promises to talk and see eachother soon, and I watched him walk away.  I squealed.  I danced.  I was a giddy little school girl.  We made the way up flight after flight of stairs to Tommie’s car, and I still couldn’t believe it.  “Did this night really happen?  OMG we KISSED!  Did I seriously get my kiss?!  I GOT MY KISS!”  We got in the car and I looked in the mirror and just kept repeating “Did that really happen?”  I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.  Even now, reliving that feeling, I get that same happy feeling in my heart.  I get the excited butterflies.

The giddy girl got her kiss!

That summer I spent a bunch of time with JT.  There were birthdays and baseball games and hospital visits.  There were kisses and cuddling and hot tubs.  There were rooftops and horse races and racing hearts.  There were hotels and jacuzzis.  There was a girl falling head over heels madly in love.

I remember the day we spent at his house after a weekend with a couple of his friends.  We watched a Something Corporate Live In Concert DVD and sang along.  He loved Something Corporate.  They were one of his favorites.

Somehow what we had faded, but it didn’t disappear completely.  Somehow, things changed.  The man I was in love with was a little more distant.  He was a little quieter.  He seemed less happy.

After that summer, we saw less of eachother.  Every few months we would meet up, whether it was me going to a wedding in Iowa with him or him coming up after an 11pm drunken phone call from me telling him I wanted to see him.

Last fall we attempted two weekends together.  The first weekend, I met up with him on Friday after an adventure to the MN State Fair with Tommie, but passed out immediately after getting to his apartment.  I was in a food-induced coma.

pancake wrapped pork sausage on a stick at the state fair

Saturday, he had something had to do with friends and left the keys to his apartment with me.  He left at 5 or 6pm and said he would be back by around 9.  I met up with my dear friend Glen for coffee and dessert at Cafe Latte, and 9pm came without a word from JT.  I text him to let him know I was out and to let me know when he’d be back.  Glen and I made our way down the street for a drink at Billy’s and soon 1am came and all I had gotten was a text saying JT would be back in a bit.  I went back to his apartment and waited up for an hour or so, not hearing from him.  Finally, pissed off, I went to bed.  I woke up at 6am to a text saying “I am so sorry! I will be home soon.”  But yet he didn’t walk through the door til close to 9am.  I was furious, and he was hungover as hell.  Turns out that he had gotten drunk and passed out, apparently forgetting about the cute girl who was sitting at him apartment waiting for him.

The last time that I attempted to spend time with him was when he was supposed to be my +1 for my former roommate’s wedding.  I was spending time in the twin cities with friends on Friday and was supposed to meet up with him afterward.  But instead, he went to his friend’s house to drink and ended up basically blowing off plans with me.  I didn’t see him that weekend, and I didn’t go to the wedding either.

I miss JT.  I miss his hugs and the way he’d always tell me that I look great.  I miss our conversations.  I miss his long hair and the way he’d always say “that’s what she said” even when it didn’t quite make sense.  I miss so much about him.

goofiness on my 21st birthday

I feel as if I am his Konstantine.

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
It’s 11:11
And now you want to talk
It’s not hard to dream
You’ll always be my Konstantine

My Konstantine, they’ll never hurt you like I do
No, they’ll never hurt you like I do.

I think that JT was the first man that I ever truly loved.  I still do, in a way.  Thoughts of him catch me off guard all the time.  The things that remind me of him never seem to disappear.  I loved him and saw in him so much potential and greatness, and it seemed as if he never realized that it was there.  He was a broken soul in so many ways, and all I wanted to do was fix it all.  I wanted to make it better.  I wanted to see him happy.  I wanted to make all of his struggles go away.  But I couldn’t.  I knew I couldn’t, and I long ago gave up trying.  Maybe it was just that he couldn’t be at his best and happiest with me.  And as much as that hurts, I understand it.

Losing him hurt.  It has left a void.  Part of me still hopes to have him back someday.  But more than that, I just hope that he is finally happy; a little less broken.