So Alone

9 Jun

I wrote the other day about my anxiety and depression.  I appreciate all of the kind words I have received in comments and emails from everybody… it means so much to me.  I didn’t write about any of this for attention or for pity-I wrote about it because I had to.  I had to admit to myself my struggles and make them more than merely internal.  And it was an unbelievably powerful thing to do so.  But it doesn’t end my struggle.  The problems that I have with anxiety and depression run so much deeper than can be expressed in one post, so I am taking some time to delve a bit deeper into some of those problems.  I hope you don’t mind (but honestly, I really don’t care if you do.)

Everybody knows of me as a people person.  I have a big heart and a passion for people.  But at the same time, I constantly feel alone.  No matter how many people I have around me, I am lonely as hell.  And I know I have great friends.  I know that people love me.  But that doesn’t make the loneliness go away.
I hate admitting things like this because, well, people don’t understand.  They don’t understand how I can know there are people who love me but yet feel completely alone at the same time.  And I guess I can’t explain it either.  But it is possible and it is my life.
Right now I live alone.  None of my roommates will be moving in here until school starts this fall, so I have the place to myself.  And most people would love this, but I hate it.  I feel completely and utterly alone here.  I hate the quiet.  I hate the dark.  I hate being alone.  And I know this sounds completely ridiculous of a 22 year old girl.  And it is.  It sucks to live a life where I can’t even enjoy being at home alone.  Hell, put me here and take away computer, phone, and tv for an hour and I would probably commit suicide.
I hate feeling so alone.  Because I know that I am loved and cared about.  But yet somehow I feel the same.
And when you couple this loneliness with terrible anxiety, it is deadly.  Maybe not physically, but my spirit is dead.  And that is what scares me.

2 Responses to “So Alone”

  1. Laurie June 11, 2010 at 10:14 pm #

    I understand some of what you mean – I am scared to death of being alone in the world and because of it, I end up controlling people around me. It’s a vicious cycle.
    I know that you know this, and it won’t necessarily help, but I do love you 🙂 *hug*


  1. I’m cashing in and checking out. « DevilishDelish - June 11, 2010

    […] the time I get home, I want nothing to do with anybody.  Which is funny because at the same time I am beyond lonely.  But it makes […]

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