Archive | June, 2010

Not Afraid

26 Jun

Amazing song!  Great meaning.  My anthem.

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Thank You

23 Jun

Thank you to everyone and their support.  It has been a couple rough weeks here, and although I know I am not free and clear of struggle, I am doing much better and have some steps in place and a great support group.

I did end up going to the hospital and they did admit me.  I was one of the more mild cases, but they recognized that I needed help and had nowhere else to turn.  The staff was more than amazing and provided me with some great resources.  They put me on Celexa and Trazodone to help with the anxiety and depression and help with the sleeplessness, and they also helped arrange some appointments with a doctor and therapist so that I can continue to work on my issues.

I know some people my judge me based on my anxiety and depression, and some may judge me because I went to the hospital.  That is okay.  In the end it comes down to the fact that I got the help I needed.  I was proactive and did something about it.  That is the important thing.

On being honest.

20 Jun

My mental health has deteriorated greatly over the past couple weeks.  It is to the point where I thinking I need to check myself into a hospital within the next 24 hours.  But then they will try and reject me because I am not suicidal.  But if it goes on any longer, I will become suicidal.  I just wish these people understood that I need help and I need it now.

I’m not okay and I am simply being honest and admitting it.  So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers because this is tough.

All the anger and the pain poured forth.

14 Jun

Anger-It’s an evil thing.  It manifests so deep within and it can be nearly impossible to get out from under.

I have become an angry person.  I got angry when my family started to unravel and it just kept going from there.  It got worse when I found out that my mother had lied to me about so many things in my life, mostly regarding my father.  My anger then burrowed deeper and spread when she had an affair.  Then there were the roommate problems followed by my family cutting me off due to my not being ready to move past my mother and her issues and pretend everything is alright.  And to top it all of, a bunch of my friends have decided it is okay to bail on plans that they had made with me and have walked away from me when I needed them most.  And it hurts.

Anger-It is something that roots itself deep inside your soul, and it is hard to get it out.

I’m cashing in and checking out.

11 Jun

Escape.  Sometimes it feels so good.  These days I find my escape in working endless hours.  And it seems that by the time I get home, I want nothing to do with anybody.  Which is funny because at the same time I am beyond lonely.  But it makes sense.

You see, I have way too many “friendships” where I give and give and give and always initiate interaction.  And it gets hard.  I am sick of it.  I am sick of being there for people and not getting that in return.  I am sick of being there whenever somebody needs a friend, but in my darkest days I am left to suffer alone.

I don’t have the energy for it.

So here I am… this is me checking out.  To those people, I am cashing in what I have left and walking away.  If you need me, you know where to find me.  But until then, I hope you are well.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

So Alone

9 Jun

I wrote the other day about my anxiety and depression.  I appreciate all of the kind words I have received in comments and emails from everybody… it means so much to me.  I didn’t write about any of this for attention or for pity-I wrote about it because I had to.  I had to admit to myself my struggles and make them more than merely internal.  And it was an unbelievably powerful thing to do so.  But it doesn’t end my struggle.  The problems that I have with anxiety and depression run so much deeper than can be expressed in one post, so I am taking some time to delve a bit deeper into some of those problems.  I hope you don’t mind (but honestly, I really don’t care if you do.)

Everybody knows of me as a people person.  I have a big heart and a passion for people.  But at the same time, I constantly feel alone.  No matter how many people I have around me, I am lonely as hell.  And I know I have great friends.  I know that people love me.  But that doesn’t make the loneliness go away.
I hate admitting things like this because, well, people don’t understand.  They don’t understand how I can know there are people who love me but yet feel completely alone at the same time.  And I guess I can’t explain it either.  But it is possible and it is my life.
Right now I live alone.  None of my roommates will be moving in here until school starts this fall, so I have the place to myself.  And most people would love this, but I hate it.  I feel completely and utterly alone here.  I hate the quiet.  I hate the dark.  I hate being alone.  And I know this sounds completely ridiculous of a 22 year old girl.  And it is.  It sucks to live a life where I can’t even enjoy being at home alone.  Hell, put me here and take away computer, phone, and tv for an hour and I would probably commit suicide.
I hate feeling so alone.  Because I know that I am loved and cared about.  But yet somehow I feel the same.
And when you couple this loneliness with terrible anxiety, it is deadly.  Maybe not physically, but my spirit is dead.  And that is what scares me.

Life with a Mental Illness

7 Jun

Most people would look at me and see your typical happy go lucky girl; a bit tortured, but all around positive.  Most see me as pretty simple, living a simple and easy life.  But there is so much that the majority of people don’t know.

This is the face of somebody with a mental illness.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression the majority of my life.  The depression comes and goes, but the anxiety never leaves.  I can’t go a day without a panic attack.  I can’t function as a normal person because of the anxiety.  It eats me up.  It makes life a living hell.

I cannot drive a vehicle because I am absolutely terrified.  It is not like a fear of needles where it simply sucks and you pass out.  It is the type of fear that causes hours-long panic attacks.  If I hear a noise as I am getting ready for bed that sounds even the slightest bit off, I find myself unable to sleep for the night.  I have panic attacks if I have to approach people and ask them for something.  When it comes to things like unpacking after my recent move, I can’t do it.  I look at it all and I start to panic and I shut down.

The list goes on and on.  I could give hundreds of situations that cause my panic attacks.  I could list hundreds of ways that my anxiety has screwed up my life.

These days my anxiety has gotten to its highest point ever.  I am a wreck.  I spend hours per day crying.  I take numerous showers per day.  (One of the symptoms of my anxiety is a feeling that my skin is crawling.  I constantly feel as if I have something-bugs or something-crawling all over me.  And I itch.  Everywhere.  The only way I can feel better is by showering and scrubbing til my skin is on fire.)  I am in a new apartment filled with boxes that need to be unpacked but am unable to do so because it causes panic attacks.

It is hard to admit these things here.  But I need to do it.  Because this is one of the only places that I can.  My friends may be able to listen to me talk about it, but there is nothing that they can do.  My anxiety is beyond the point of being able to be controlled by positive thinking.  And yet getting help for it is nearly impossible.

That is one of the huge problems with our mental health care system.  To get in to see a psychiatrist that can prescribe me something to help someone like me simply live life as a more normal person takes months.  And if you are without health insurance like I am, it takes even longer and costs more than is affordable (if you can find a doctor that will see you at all).  I am at the point where I am desperate for help, and yet I cannot go into a hospital because they will send me away since I am not suicidal.  A huge stresser in my life is my financial situation (extremely tight) and therefore I do not have the hundreds of dollars needed to go to appointment after appointment and try and get this straightened out.  And like I said, even finding somebody who will see me in a timely fashion due to my non-suicidal nature takes forever.

It is like so many things in this world-we aren’t given the ability to fix the problem until it is too late.  I am not going to kill myself.  I am smart enough to know not to do that and to know that it’s simply selfish.  But I am also smart enough to know that I am not okay.  I am smart enough to know that I should not have to live my life like this.

You know, I am a normal person.  I am a normal person with issues.  We all have issues.  The difference is that I am speaking out about them and most people don’t.  I admit that I need help to overcome these issues, but most people don’t.  And I don’t think that it is because nobody wants to.  I think it is because society makes things like these out to be bad.  Society makes people suffering from anxiety and depression out to be fuck-ups… degenerates… failures.  We tell people that they are not worthy of help until they are too weak to live.

People call these things mental illness, but I call it life.  We all need a little help sometimes, in one way or another.