Archive | May, 2010
30 May

Dear J,

I just want to know you are well.

I miss you.


A billion boxes later…

29 May

It is that time of year again… moving time.  I am leaving my big house and moving into a much smaller apartment.  And as I was franticly packing, hauling my belongings to the garage, and getting ready to move yesterday, I looked around.  Here I was, sitting amongst 30 or 40 boxes and bags upon bags upon bags of stuff… and I realized that is all it is… stuff.

I have so much stuff.

If you were to ask me, I would not be able to tell you what exactly is in all those boxes or why I have it all.  All I know is I have tons of things.  (Actually, I know why I have so many things, but I will get to that later.)  I have bottles upon bottles of hair and face and body products.  I have 50 or so pairs of shoes.  I have 36 pairs of sunglasses.  I have way too many clothes.  I have candles and pictures and stuff and stuff and stuff.

It made me sad seeing this. I have so much stuff, but I have little substance in my life.  I have six large boxes of holiday decorations, but yet I rarely have anybody to spend the holidays with.  I have quite a few dresses, but rarely do I have anybody to get dressed up for and go out with.  I have all of these things but nobody to share it with.  And that, I believe, is why I continue to buy stuff.  I am alone, and when I get something new, for a moment at least I feel a bit less lonely.  But then the newness wears off and I start to feel lonely again, and I buy something else.

It made me sad to see all of my belongings boxed up and tossed in the garage, realizing that I have so much junk in my life and not much that means anything.  And I think this is my year to fix that.  As I move in and unpack, I must de-cluttler.  I will rid my life of the meaningless and unnecessary things, get rid of the things that have negative memories attached, and move on.

Iit was already decided that I am making this the year of Mr. Big… either moving on with the possible Mr. Big that is in my life currently or figuring out what type of person I want my Mr. Big to be.  And maybe by getting rid of all the excess in my life right now, I will make room for that.

Here’s to hoping.


21 May

It is funny how we define family.

Most people would define family as their parents and siblings, those they are biologically and legally related to.  I, however, would not define family that way.  I’d say that my immediate family would be the following people:

I have more contact with these people than I do with those I am actually related to.  I see these people more than those I am related to.  And when I need a shoulder to cry on, somebody to talk to, encouragement, or a helping hand, these people are there to help out long before my “family” even notices.  It is a sad but true fact.  I can count on my friends more than I can count on my “family”.  I know more about what is going on in these people’s lives than I do about the happenings of my family.

This all makes me sad and yet happy at the same time.  I am happy that I have such amazing friends, but I am sad that my family is so absent.  Such is life, though, I suppose.

Their loss.  *attempting to convince myself this is true*


18 May

I have caught the dress itch.  I might have to officially partake in making this a Summer Of Dresses.  I have procured about five or six skirts/dresses in the past month or so, and I have spent around fifty dollars total.  Not even that, I am sure, since I have used gift cards and such.  And as much as I feel I should stop, I can’t.  I love dresses.  And I love shopping.  And I love cheap things.  So if I can find a dress on clearance and it looks fabulous on me, why can’t I spend my grocery money on it???  Granted, at this rate, by the end of june my tiny closet will not fit anything but dresses, but still.

And in realizing the extent of my dress phase, I got to thinking…

I used to hate dresses.  I so often have tried to be anything but girly because I felt that the slight bit of girliness present in how I carry myself and the things that I like is more than enough for one person.  I have felt that I need not make myself uncomfortable in something that shows off my already too big and noticeable womanly assets (use your imagination), requires me to shave my muscular calves in order to wear (hey, shaving sucks), and seems to invite men to be inappropriate.

BUT… (there always is a but with me…)

I have learned (finally) that there is nothing wrong with being girly.  I have come to terms with the fact that my assets are always going to be here and always going to be WAY more than noticable.  I have come to terms with my muscular calves (and now find them kinda hot).  Simply put, I have come to embrace my femininity and the “if you’ve got it, flaunt it” attitude.  I look damn good in a dress!  Might as well take advantage of that.

It’s funny the things you learn about yourself, and how profound something as simple as wearing a dress can be.

I have every right.

17 May

I have every right to be angry.  I have every right to be bitter.  Life has handed me more lemons in the past year than anybody should experience in their lifetime.  Sure, I know people who have gone through more.  But the fact remains that I should not have been poored on like this.  And yet here I am… not merely surviving, but thriving.

Still, I have every right to be hurt and angry and depressed about all that has happened to me.

But at the end of the day, I make the choice to be happy.  I make the choice to put a smile on my face and enjoy life.  I make the choice to look at the consequences of everything that has happened as not simply a means to an end, but a new opportunity.

I have my moments, and I am allowed.  But at the end of the day, I am simply thankful for my friends and the ability to put a smile on my face and really mean it.

I’ll Guard Your Heart

16 May

Ramblings about Relationships

13 May

Why is it so surprising that I have different surface criteria that I look for in men than most?  I am different than most women my age.

I like cigars.  I love whiskey on the rocks.  I am in love with everything jewish.  I prefer sporting events to movies or fashion events.  I DO NOT think that Rob Pattinson is hot.  I do not like foot rubs.  I enjoy plants and wish I could garden.  I love action films.

Need I go on?

So, that said, if I could paint a picture of what my ideal relationship would be like, it would be as follows.

We would spend our vacations traveling to every major league baseball stadium in the country.  We would spend our winters at hockey games.  We would spend our summers at baseball games.  He would know enough about basketball and like it enough to get me to enjoy it (basketball is the one sport I have yet to acquire a taste for).  He would be Jewish and have a family who was accepting of a convert.  He would enjoy hearty meat-and-potatoes meals, but also love trying all types of cuisine (and love sushi!).  He would enjoy going for a couple drinks and a cigar in the evenings, but be able to control his liquor enough to not make a fool of himself.  He would allow me to wear heels and paint my toenails while drinking beer and watching football every Sunday without criticism.  He would understand that sometimes I just need a night out with the girls, and he would make sure not to abandon his friendships.  He would make me laugh and smile all the time, and would help with the dishes.  He would clean the toilet.  He would fold the laundry.  He would also have a very healthy sexual appetite, and would continue to flirt with me long after we are together.  He would not judge me for drinking champagne in the morning.

That would be ideal, but is it possible?  Let’s hope so!