Archive | April, 2010

Bring It On

28 Apr


Life is a struggle.

I don’t know all the answers.

I don’t like everything that has been handed to me, and I don’t understand all of it either.

But I will survive.  I will make it through.

And I will be much stronger and better for it.



I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing…

25 Apr

It is amazing how quickly things can transition from great to horrible; from happy to sad; from optimism to a longing for something as good as pessimism.

I am struggling.  I am struggling to simply survive.  I am struggling to try and make it through an hour without breaking down.

I know that I have friends who are there for me even if from a distance, and that thought is somewhat comforting.  But that does not change the fact that life is hard and that I don’t know how I am going to make it through.  It does not change the fact that I need someone here, now.  I need a hand to hold, a physical shoulder to cry on or somebody to hold me.  And I do not have that.

I have been trying to cope and deal in the only ways I know how-shopping, eating, drinking.  And I know it won’t fix anything.  I know it won’t help.  And I know it isn’t healthy.  But it is all I know.

I just need a way out.  I need some fresh air.  I need… something.

Really Grinds My Gears

18 Apr

I just have to get this off my chest… I hope you don’t mind.

I am absolutely sick of men who lead women on.  I am sick of men who play games.  I am sick of men who don’t say what they mean or mean what they say.  Men claim that they are all about honesty, but then they are anything but.  They say they don’t want games.  They say that they know what they want.  But when it comes down to it, they play more games than the game show network.

You don’t believe me?  I will give you some examples from the men who’s radars I have been on lately.

Man #1.  Said man is from my area.  We found eachother because of twitter.  We conversed.  He called me trouble.  One night said man called me while intoxicated.  We talked for a long while (probably an hour or two, while tipsy, after barclose).  There was plenty of flirting.  He called me hot stuff and promised to call me/text me the next day.  And that he did.  We discussed going out and decided on Margaritas after work the next day.  I got all cute, and he IM’ed me at 9pm and told me he couldn’t do that night, but we’d go out the next week.  That never happened.  But a week or two later he was calling me again, calling me hot stuff, telling me he wants to see me.  That didn’t happen, and another week or two goes by before he texts me again.   Each time we talk he calls me hot stuff and trouble.  But yet he follows that by blowing me off.  I would like to think that it’s just because I am too damn awesome and too damn hot and he is just nervous or intimidated.  Or maybe it’s just that he doesn’t really like me and doesn’t really want to go out at all.  If it’s the previous, get the hell over it.  If it is the latter, just tell me and quit phoning me and calling me hot stuff.

Really grinds my gears.

Man #2.  Quite similar to Man #1.  Contacts me quite frequently, flirts mercilessly, but then will not go out on a date.  Excuse all the time, but yet still tells me he would like to go out with me.  Really?  If you do not want to go out with me, just say it and quit making excuses.

Really grinds my gears.

Man #3.  This man I was seeing off and on for most of last fall.  We had tried dating previously, which didn’t work.  But a year and a half later we had both changed and had decided to try and give it a go again.  Things were going well for the most part, but he seemed to find communication unimportant.  We’d go out, and things would be great, but it would take a week to hear from him again.  Then he would tell me he is falling in love with me and we would have a serious conversation about our status.  I would tell him I was not ready quite yet for something as serious as him, and he would assure me that he was glad to give me as much time as I need.  But then at Christmas I gave him a gift before I left for vacation and barely got a thank you.  Yet he told me he was still crazy about me.  That was Dec. 16th.  On Christmas Day I called to tell him I had gotten back safely despite the weather and to wish him Merry Christmas.  I didn’t hear from him until the day before New Years.  Self-explanatory, I’d say.

Really grinds my gears.

Really, is it so hard to say what you mean and mean what you say?  I am a big girl.  I can handle the truth.  Just quit with the BS.

BS really grinds my gears.


Not even five minutes after this was posted, Man #1 called me.  Drunk.  Surprise surprise.

Playing The Game

18 Apr

I posed a question to a bunch of my friends today.  The question was this:

In your opinion, how long is it appropriate for man/woman to see other people after they start flirting with or go on a date with somebody?  Is it wrong or being a player if they are flirting with or go on a couple dates with somebody while doing so with other men/women, or is it only wrong after becoming exclusive?  And what determines when things are exclusive?

It was definitely interesting to see the responses.  Many of the women said that it is wrong to flirt/go on dates with multiple women at the same time, but the men said otherwise.  The men (and a couple of the women) said it is okay to casually date multiple people at one time, as long as they all understand that you are not exclusive yet.  But what I found most amusing is that their were multiple women who express negativity about men casually dating, but find it okay to do so themselves.

I find it interesting that there are such a double standards and so many differing opinions among adults.  I feel that as long as you have not discussed and agreed upon exclusivity, then you have absolutely no right to expect the other to walk away from the rest of the dating scene altogether.  And if you are not going to walk away, why should they?

Setting yourself up for failure.

17 Apr

It is funny how everything can sound so great on paper, but when you try to get conversation flowing all is lost.

This is a frequent occurrence in my life these days, it seems.  In the past few months I have met many men through the means of things like twitter and other friends.  Exchanging details and what we are looking for, all matches up.  I have even had men read my Relationship Checklist and declare themselves perfect for me.  Our DMs, IMs, and TMs are lively and all seems to be going well, but once the phonecall or IRL meeting happens, that spark that was thought to be present isn’t always there.  And it got me to thinking…

Why do we make premature declarations?  Aren’t we just setting setting our expectations so high that we are destined to fall short?

I can tend to be very flirtatious, but I always hold my feelings back and keep from getting invested in men until things prove to be worth the investment.  It has seemed to me, though, that there is no shortage of men these days who are willing to get their hopes up and declare a woman’s amazingness.  (Note that thankfully not every many I have spoken with lately has done so… only about 50% haha.)

But how productive is this?  Wouldn’t it be better to just go in with no expectations and give yourself the chance to be surprised?

Why I’m Single

16 Apr

One of my girlfriends asked me recently why I am single.

My answer for her was simple:
I demand respect and won’t settle for less.

It is so easy for me to find men to flirt with and take me on dates, but when it comes to respect… well, that is another story completely.  I am not your fucktoy. Sure, I am a sexual being, but I am an intellectual being as well.  I am looking for more than simply another notch in my bedpost;  I am looking for somebody who captures a bit of my heart.  I am not your slave, I am not your mother, and I sure as hell am not your babysitter. I refuse to take orders or take the back seat to a man.  I refuse to clean up after him.  And I refuse to spend every weekend taking care of him or waiting up for him because I know he will be too drunk to make sure he is safe.

I am looking for an equal, a partner. I am looking for somebody who recognizes me on a emotional, intellectual, and sexual level.  I am looking for somebody who appreciates me and who I am and allows me to make my own decisions.

Simply put, I am looking for respect.  It is not a request, but instead a demand.  I will not settle.

Better Off

15 Apr

I lay in bed and i look at your spot; it is empty.  I close my eyes and I can almost feel your fingers running through my hair.  I can almost hear the sound of you breathing.  And as much as it hurts some days, I am better off without you here.

I wrote this on my facebook today.  There really wasn’t anybody in particular that was on my mind at the moment.  I guess it was more speaking of being alone.  Even though there are days like today, weeks like this one, where all seems to be damned to hell, I am better off alone.  I am happier on my own.  I am okay and I know that all will be fine.  I know that it won’t be easy to dig out of the hole that I am in, but I can promise you that I will be fine.  I will get out.  And I will do it on my own.

As much as it hurts some days, I am better off this way.