Archive | March, 2010

Nobody But You

29 Mar

nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
just watch them
listen to them.
do you want to be like
that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
yourself
and you’re worth saving.
it’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.

your spiritual self.
your gut self.
your singing magical self and
your beautiful self.
save it.
don’t join the dead-in-spirit.

maintain your self
with humor and grace
and finally
if necessary
wager your life as you struggle,
damn the odds, damn
the price.

only you can save your
self.

do it! do it!

then you’ll know exactly what
I am talking about.

-Nobody But You, Charles Bukowski

And the politicians, fat upon the land, will live very well.

28 Mar

I’ve watched this city burn twice
in my lifetime
and the most notable thing
was the arrival of the
politicians in the
aftermath
proclaiming the wrongs of
the system
and demanding new
policies toward and for the
poor.

nothing was corrected last
time.
nothing will be corrected this
time.

the poor will remain poor.
the unemployed will remain
so.
the homeless will remain
homeless

and the politicians,
fat upon the land, will live
very well.

-Riots, Charles Bukowski, 1992

I was born when Ronald Reagan was in office and spent my early childhood with George H. W. Bush as president.  Then there was Bill Clinton for the remainder of my childhood and tween years.  By the time I finally was able to understand the political mess, I was in fifth or sixth grade and Slick Willie was gettin’ friendly with Monica and the whole world found out.  Soon after came George Bush and 9/11.  And, as we all know, its been a quick ride downhill from there.

As far as politics goes, I think my generation has it pretty hard.  We have had nothing but a long line of crooks, liars, and pricks leading the country.  We have seen mess after mess after mess and nobody has done anything to fix it.  We have been given no reason to have faith in our government.  We watched as the country traded in a man who made a few mistakes and lied about where he was getting his “relief” from for a man who lied about his reasons for sending our men into war.  And we had no say.

And here we are… 2010.  I was given the chance to vote for president for the first time in my life.  I was excited and I chose the route that seemed best… to support the supposedly progressive candidates that fit so many of my ideals; who looked most able to help bring to reality the hopes and dreams I have had.  And given the best shot in the world… having everything handed to them-a fresh piece of paper to rewrite it on and start new with- they blew it.  We are back to the same old lies and tactics that I’ve seen my whole life.  We have sold out to big business and we have forgotten the people who hold this country together.  This nation is crumbling and nobody cares to fix it.  They settle for the band-aid on the broken leg.  It does no good, but at least they can say they did something, anything.

The politicians have their money and their healthcare and their pensions.  They don’t have to worry at all.  They will die before the effects of the nation’s debt hits.  But I won’t.  My children won’t.  My grandchildren won’t either.  We have to bear the burden.

I do not understand how many of these politicians sleep at night.

I may sound bitter, and I am.  I have no reason to have faith in this government that I live under.  I have no reason to have hope for the future.  And you can try and tell me that I can change things… that it takes each person getting involved to make a difference.  You can try and tell me that my voice matters.  But that isn’t true.  I am too honest for it all.  I am too good at heart for politics.

Life Is Art

25 Mar

Relationship Checklist

24 Mar

I think that ever single person in the dating world has a list of standards and expectations, a wish list.  My list of things I would love to find in a man is a mixture of expected and slightly excessive.

  • Older than me.
  • Loves sports.
  • Kind eyes.
  • Honest.
  • Enjoys traveling.
  • Passionate about something (other than video games).
  • Not a picky eater.
  • Jewish.
  • Good relationship with family.
  • Likes reading (bonus points if they enjoy news/business/history related materials).
  • Owns at least one suit.
  • Enjoys beer.
  • Believes football on the weekends is religion.
  • Involved with at least one nonprofit.
  • Enjoys solitude.
  • Politically aware.
  • Respectful of boundaries.
  • Owns more than four pairs of shoes.
  • Chivalrous.
  • Thinks superheroes are cool.
  • Enjoys jazz music.
  • Good communication skills.
  • Lives life without regrets.
  • Enjoys grilling.
  • Likes to cook.
  • Artistic.
  • Financially Stable.
  • A bit nerdy.
  • Environmentally conscious/friendly.
  • Believes in monogamy.

Although my list is considered pretty acceptable, it still puts a filter on my search.  I look at the pool of prospective men not with a mindset of  “I wonder if there is a man there who is all that he wishes to be and could be a good fit and complement who I am?” but instead with a mindset of  “I wonder if there is a man out here who is everything I think he should be?”.  It is like putting on a pair of dark sunglasses.  Sure, they keep out the damaging rays and protect my eyes, but they also block out the color that makes the world the beautiful place it is.

I have challenged myself to remove the sunglasses, and I challenge all the singles I know to do so as well.  Take off the filter and go on a date with somebody whom you wouldn’t normally.  Let your guard down (but not your morals) and give it a try.  Find a woman or man who intrigues you on some level but doesn’t fit your laundry list of requirements and go out.  See how it goes.  You might be surprised at how much fun you have, or who you might meet.

Embrace What’s Broken

16 Mar

“I suppose we were all searching for someone to teach us the moves we needed to win at life, the knightly code of conduct, the ways of the alpha-male.  That’s why we found each other.  But a sequence of maneuvers and a system of behavior would never fix what was broken inside.  Nothing would fix what was broken inside.  All we could do was embrace the damage.”
-Neil Strauss, The Game

At 22, I have gone on more first dates than I would like to admit.  And even less dazzling than that is the number of those that have translated into second dates  (think # of first dates divided by 2 minus fifteen percent-ish).  I have know all the right words and moves needed to get asked on a date.  When it came to the date, though, I would freeze.  No longer would I show off my shiny confidence.  I would freeze.  I would get nervous.  I would always become less fake and more me, and I’d get scared.  I’d get scared that some of my cracks would show… that they would see how broken I was.  Either that or I would try and be overly confident… keep up the facade, the game.  And sometimes it would work.  But not for long.

Because you can’t fix something that is broken.  You can bandage it up, box it up, dress it up however you like.  But it will always be scarred, flawed.  It will always be broken.

I have learned as Neil says, to embrace the damage.  I have learned from it.  I have accepted it.  This is me.  This is who I am.  Like me or leave me.  Either way, I will still be okay.  I do not need fancy words and fake acts to be liked.  I do not to lessen my standards or let go of my beliefs or dreams to be liked.  I just need to be me.  I just need to be the flawed girl who is making the most out of what she has.  That is what is important.

These days, I go on few first dates.  But when I do go on one, it either turns into a second date or a friendship.  I am no longer plagued with men who, in the beginning, perceived me to have no standards and thought they would score right away.  I am no longer left wondering why he didn’t call.  I am no longer trying to make excuses to my roommates about why a guy I went on a date with isn’t stopping by again.

I have learned to embrace the damage, and in doing so, I have found myself.  And I like myself.  And hopefully someday,  somewhere down the line, I will find a man who has realized that he, too is damaged.  And with luck, he, too, will have learned to embrace the broken pieces.  And when that day comes, I have faith, we will learn to grow together.

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.

11 Mar

Oscar Wilde was a very smart man.  He always has a way of getting me thinking.

They say that you can’t love others until you love yourself.  There is so much truth to that.

I have spent so much of my life being unhappy with my family, friends, job, looks, weight, financial situation… there has always been something I have been unhappy about.  Recently, though, that has changed.  I have done a 360.  No longer do I look at the world with frustration.  I look at the world with eyes of optimism and thankfulness.  I look at the world through eyes of happiness and appreciation.

I am content.

Sure, there are things that I don’t have yet that I would like.  But the thing is, I have so much more than so many.  I have a family.  I have friends.  I have a job and more money than a lot of the world.  My weight isn’t near ideal, but I can work on that and fix it.  I have flaws, but I can fix them.  And really, the flaws are what give me character; what makes me who I am.

I have come to truly love myself and love life.  And it is now that I find that I could actually be capable of really truly consciously loving others.  I am happy with myself and my place in life.  I am just plain happy.  And it is now that I find that I could actually be capable of being happy in a relationship.

You can’t love others until you love yourself.  You can’t be happy in a relationship with somebody else until you are happy in your relationship with yourself.  Because, ultimately, isn’t a relationship about connecting and forming a life together?  Isn’t it about finding somebody to become one with?  How can you join lives successfully if you aren’t yet whole yourself?  How can you give away a part of yourself without it being damaging when you don’t have all of yourself to begin with?

I Am…

9 Mar

I am.

I am a lover. I love the little things in life.  I love the wind blowing in my hair.  I love the rush of music pulsing through my ears.  I love quiet night spent at home with the dogs in front of the television.  I love crazy nights on the town with friends.  I love vodka and whiskey, sometimes a little too much.  I love sitting on a dock, a beach, or a mountaintop in silence, becoming one with nature.  I love a good movie, and sometimes a bad one too.  I love fresh flowers and owls and brownies.  I love romance.  I love kisses on the cheek and forehead.  I love holding hands.  I love slowdancing.  I love the thrill of something new, but I also love the familiar and comfortable.  I love cooking, and I love eating as well.  I love Jewish men (I think it is the big nose).  I love my sister.  I love traveling.  I love a warm shower, and I love the peaceful feeling of rain on a warm summer day.

I am a fighter. I fight for what is right.  I fight to protect my heart.  I fight for those I care about.  I fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.  I fight when I want something.  I fight when I deserve things, and even when I don’t.  I fight hard and hate admitting defeat.  I fight even when its the hardest thing I have ever done.

I am a dreamer.  I dream of peace in the world.  I dream of finding love one day, but before that happens, I dream of having fun.  I dream of the day when I can curl up on the couch with a wonderful man and know that he is all mine.  I dream of traveling to Greece and of seeing places like Paris and Sydney.  I dream of days without headaches and a United States with Universal Healthcare.  I dream most of all, though, of lifelong happiness.

I am a believer. I believe that everything will be alright.  I believe in karma.  I believe in the importance of family.  I believe in chivalry.  I believe in respecting everyone, including myself.  I believe in owning up to your faults.  I believe in freedom.  I believe in equality for everyone.  I believe that it is okay to have dessert before dinner sometimes.  I believe in champagne with breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I believe in paying it forward.  I believe in forgiveness.  I believe in living a life of love and lust and excitement, but in moderation.

I am afraid. I am afraid of water.  I am afraid of spiders.  I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid of death.  I am afraid of the wheel.  I am afraid of spending forever alone.  I am afraid of the unknown.

I am hopeful. I am hopeful that one day we will have world peace.  I am hopeful that I will finish college.  I am hopeful that one day I will find someone who completes me.  I am hopeful that my sister will have more opportunities and more people in life that push her to be successful than i do.  I am hopeful that one day I will get all that I need and want in life.

I am a lover and a fighter.  I am a dreamer and a believer.  I am afraid but I am hopeful.  I am strong yet I am weak.  I am bruised but still alive.  I am everything and nothing.  I am me…

…Simple as that.