Archive | February, 2010

Falling Slowly

25 Feb
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Impossible Love

22 Feb

It’s funny how loving somebody is something that you have no control over.  I realized today that I do love somebody, and that it is an impossible love.  He does not love me, and I know this.  I have come to terms with this.  But yet here I am, loving him.

How do I know that I love him?  Because after all this time, I still can’t get him out of my head.  After all the crap, I still get the nearly daily urge to call him and see how he is doing.  I still want to fix his struggles; to save him.  Because that is what you do when you love somebody… you want to save them.  You want to fix their problems and make them all better.

He chose to let his depression take the place of me.  He chose the bottle over me.  And I had to let him go, knowing that it would never work… that I would never get the attention and love and respect I needed.  It is still, to this day, one of the hardest things that I have ever done.

I want to save him, because thats what love makes you feel compelled to do.  But it is an impossible task, and at this moment, it is time that I walk away from all of it.  Maybe I will be a little more successful at that.

Girls Day Out!

21 Feb

Yesterday was a GDO (Girls Day Out).  And I must say that it was just what the doctor ordered.

I met up with Kristin for lunch and early afternoon 2-for-1s at Liquor Lyle’s.  Got chatted up by a man old enough to be my grandpa (why does this ALWAYS happen to me?!), and then went watch shopping.  After said adventure to peruse watches, we headed back to Minneapolis for coffee at Caffetto with Hannah and her man, followed by a drink at the Red Dragon, where Luann joined.

Following this was a run to kidnap the suddenly carless Cailin before dashing to the X for the Swarm game.  And who better to be sitting with in the 5th row looking at hot, sweaty men running around and beating eachother than Cailin, Luann, and Kristin.  Seriously, we have way too much fun.

And to celebrate the 15-5 swarm win, we ventured back to Minneapolis for late night happy hour at Azia.

So much fun!

So many laughs.

These girls are lovely!

Makin’ Babies.

20 Feb

Why is it that women are expected to WANT to have children?  Maybe I am crazy, and maybe I am the minority in this aspect, but I have absolutely zero desire to have babies.  And everybody thinks that it is absolutely crazy of me.  I can’t help it.  Is that so wrong to be a woman in the 21st century and not want children?

Personal Identity

19 Feb

I recently went through a bit of an identity crisis.  I had gone in to get a couple inches cut off my hair and have my layers trimmed, and I left with a total mullet.  I was horrified at the chop job that had been done, and the fact that the only way to fix it would be to cut my hair super short.  I cried for four hours, until I fell asleep with tears streaming down my face.  I went in the next day to my usual salon and had them fix my mess.  And although it looked alright, I still was having a hard time accepting the fact that my hair, the thing I loved most, was gone.  It was my identity.  And I wasn’t sure who I was.  But it was because of the wise words and encouragement of some of my amazing friends and followers on twitter that I realized I am more than my hair, and that my beauty comes from more than my hair.

This got me to thinking…

I based so much of my identity as a person on my hair.  Why do we do that?  If I lost my hair or my eyes or quit my job, how who would I be?  Where would I draw my identity from?  Who am I?  Who are you?

What do you draw your identity from?

Noticing Your Blessings: The Impact of Twitter on My Life

16 Feb

Not everybody understands twitter.  And not everybody wants to.  They think its simply another waste of time.  But twitter is a community, an ever-growing family.  In the year and a half that I have been on twitter, I have met many amazing people.  I have made some great friends that I never would have known otherwise.  And there are also the unspoken heroes… the people who have changed my life and don’t even know it.  So I am going to start writing about them.

Every once in awhile we need to remind ourselves how blessed we are.  In the same way, we need to let others know that who they are matters and that they do have an impact on others.  So every couple of days, I am going to update this blog with a post about somebody whom I have come to know solely because of twitter that has changed my life in some way, big or small.  And that starts now.

One of the first people that comes to mind is a woman I met for the first time only about three weeks ago.  I had seen her on twitter (she is quite a popular lady in these parts), but we’d never conversed.  But the from the very moment she said hello, the optimism and positivity of @girlmeetsgeek was obvious.  Her personality and laugh are infectious.  She is encouraging and caring and beyond delightful.  It’s obvious in her tweets and on her blog (http://www.girlmeetsgeek.com/)… she has a huge heart and is nothing but genuine.  Whether her own struggle or someone else’s (like when i was in crisis over the loss of my hair), she is strong and doesn’t give up.  I’ve been reading back through quite a bit of her blog because, well, I have many lessons to learn from her.  So to the dear Kate-Madonna, thank you for being such a delight and unknowingly challenging my at times loathing self pity.  You are amazing!  Don’t ever forget it.

A tale of bitterness.

2 Feb

I was told that my last post made me sound a little… bitter.  And I suppose that is correct.  My adventures in the world of dating have left a lot to be desired.  I have been lucky enough to date one or two really great guys, but have also dated a bunch of, well, not so great guys.

There was the man who made sure to constantly let me know that in his opinion I was nowhere near good enough.  He could not take criticism, but was very quick to give it.  He would point out my figure flaws and what personality traits he saw as problematic.  He would make a point to constantly remind me of the fact that my life wasn’t all tidy and put together.  But neither was his (he ignored that fact, though).  He refused to respect my boundaries.  I was not equal to him, at least in his eyes.  I put up with it for a month or two, thinking (stupidly) that things would change.  We’d been friends for a few years.  “What had happened?”, I wondered.  Things didn’t change, though, and I got dumped on Christmas Day.

There were the two men who completely denied me.  Sure, they got involved with me.  But to their friends, family, and those whom they dated after me, I was nonexistent.  They denied even knowing me.

There was the man who stayed with me for nearly a year out of desperation.  To be fair, I stayed with him mostly out of pity and convenience.  In my mind, it was easier to stay with him and put up with all the crap than break his heart.  For him it came down to the fact that I was his first (and still only) girlfriend, and he didn’t want to give that up.  So when I finally got fed up with his patronizing me, treating me like a chore, and then embarrassing me in front of my family at a wedding, he went off the deep end.  He called me every name under the sun (including the devil), said some very hurtful things, and even compared me to a pair of twos at best… a bad poker hand.

That doesn’t even account for the numerous men that I have simply gone out on a couple of dates with.  There have been the men that have treated me like nothing but a piece of meat.  There was the man was so full of himself that he started putting me down and eventually ditched me at dinner on our first date because I wasn’t enough of a girly girl or hot enough.  I could go on and on, really…

The point is:  Yes, I AM a bit bitter.  I think any girl would be.  And it is not that I am bitter because I haven’t settled down into the perfect relationship yet, or because I have incredibly high standards (because I don’t).   I do not expect to find my one true love at 22.  I do not expect grand gestures.  I do not expect that age old traditions of courtship take place.  But I DO expect and demand respect.  I am a lady and I expect to be treated as such.

Men wonder why women are bitter and closed off.  They wonder why we do not trust easily.  These men fail to realize that it is their own kind that have caused us to be this way.  In the end, its the nice guys-the truly respectful gentlemen, who get burned.  Because when they are genuine and respectful and romantic and chivalrous, women do not trust them.  It’s a tragedy, really.